"Do you want to go out with me" - A dead formality? (20)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-08 16:59 ID:6rNm9Y5g

I'm a late-comer to the dating scene. A very, very late-comer. I think my age is immaterial, though.

I'm curious about whether or not people still practice the formality of asking each other out by actually inquiring about it verbally. Is this an antiquated process, or is it still done?

It seems to me people who like each other might share a close and intimate moment and assume that they're together, or be so perfect a match that they naturally drift to one another and thus the entry in to a relationship is implied.

Admittedly, I'm still learning to socialize properly, so this whole topic is beyond my abilities but I still want to know for my own reference in the future.

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-08 17:05 ID:XP4yyxWL

It's not a formality,...

You often start going out with someone before actually mentioning it, but at some point you need to vocalise it, because words are important.

So I wouldn't start that way, but at some point you'll need to say it.

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-09 02:58 ID:Heaven

your age is relevant if you intend to use the words 'do you want to go out with me'.

its juvenile and saying it to a woman is ridiculous. when you ask a woman to go out with you, you are saying it to literally ask to go out, once. you dont ask a woman to go steady either, this is all teenage bullshit.

if you want a woman to be your exclusive romantic company, you sit down with her and say so without using the phrasing of a high school child.

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-09 03:54 ID:h3kY0WkQ

>>3
OP might be a late comer to dating but his objects of desire are all still in school so it would be appropriate for him to use their lingo

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-09 04:05 ID:sxEKXVp0

>>3
>>4

OP here. I can't tell if you're being hostile or not. If so, I guess I'm a little disappointed. I honestly had no clue about the matter when I asked my question. I did think, however, that simply asking "do you want to go out with me" would be a little weird.

By late-comer I mean I'm 22. I'm still learning to hold conversations with people.

6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-09 06:30 ID:gfyzCB2b

OP, don't mind too much >>4 sarcasm, it's just a common form of teasing. If you do respond to it, you will get more, because you showed it works.

As for the age issue, it's irrelevant, even at 90 people will want to verbalize the relationship. The apriprate level of language depends more on personality than age.

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-09 16:24 ID:Heaven

>>5 im not being hostile im being serious. if youre 22, and youve been dating a girl for long enough to want to use the words 'do you want to go out with me' dont use those words. just ask her if she wants to formalize the relationship.

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-09 21:23 ID:SycTthx3

>>7
But then this brings me back to my initial question. Kind of. The process can't possibly be as formal as asking her "Do you want to formalize the relationship." There has to be a tacit understanding somewhere, maybe in the form of an act like non-sexual or sexual intimacy. Or is it both? If it's the latter, then what, exactly, is said?

I've gone and confused myself even more.

9 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-09 22:14 ID:gfyzCB2b

>then what, exactly, is said?

It obviously depends on both you and the other person. For some people "Do you want to go out with me?" would be fine, for others it will be too plain or too dry. You know that person far better than us, so you will know better how to proceed. What matters is that you make the relationship verbally explicit.

I do think you are making things more complicated than they need to be. You asked wether things should be verbalized, I believe that is the case. The particulars of it are up to you,...

10 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-10 00:06 ID:vIBmTFTB

Mine just said "will you be my girlfriend?"

But to be fair his English isn't perfect.

11 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-10 01:35 ID:yI95TK51

>>9
This helps a lot. Now I just have to work on my social skills when talking to girls. It's not easy, as I blush and sweat when I'm around them.

12 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-10 05:15 ID:ukwZEYte

>>7
Who the hell would ever say "Do you want to formalize the relationship" to a girl? Trust me, no girl worth dating will ever go for something like that.
Im the same age as OP and generally everything i said and did in high school still works in college.
What you really need to focus on is all the 1000s of other words you need to make interesting for every conversation. If you do that and she wants to get with you it wont matter how you ask her.

13 Name: Subuchiā˜†Atsuda : 2008-10-10 05:35 ID:/A6bF8/l

Hi I think it should be like "hey your attractive I'm attractive lets be together!"

14 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-10 06:00 ID:BktIzQYE

>>12 >>13

You both fail to understand that he's already going out with her,... He just wants to know how to formalize the relationship. Or if you prefer, make it clear that there is a relationship in a verbal way.

15 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-10 07:05 ID:zTmUeGWZ

In my limited experience (which practically makes me pro given the sad state of most of us) I found that a direct question like that only works if your damn sure she'll say yes, and if it becomes very apparent that you are going to do it sooner or later. I'd recommend saying it as a long day or evening or whatever of activity together is winding down. Maybe not at the very end if you can help it, you'll want to enjoy your accomplishment for a little while. If she really likes you than such a simple thing won't matter, even if your a dumbass like me and say "what?" when she nodded and said "mmm hmmm", whats important is what you did to build it up.

Good luck OP!

16 Name: sage : 2008-10-10 07:21 ID:cHmKL7pI

>>15
wise words

17 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-10 13:31 ID:+5pxezVx

>>14
But I'm not going out with her, or anyone. I never have. It would be a bit weird that I would somehow have a girlfriend while I'm still learning to hold conversations.

>>15
This helps a lot. Thank you.

18 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-10 16:01 ID:cHmKL7pI

>But I'm not going out with her

I stand corrected,...

But then why the heck do you worry about that? It's almost as ridiculous as asking someone for marriage when you don't even go out with her.

Try to get out with her first, you'll worry later about how to formalize the (potential) relation

19 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-10-10 16:50 ID:SnQZL3pU

>>18
Because I was curious and wanted to know. I think too much. Now I know that there is no single answer and that it's entirely dependent upon the context of one's relation to a girl.

My present issue is agonizing over whether or not I have to take medication to overcome my social anxiety or if I can somehow stop being such an awkward bastard.

20 Name: Amung : 2008-10-10 19:03 ID:WTYcjp9c

I'm 24 and I never had a g/f before...never dated and not not even a kiss. and i'm still single.

><.... I'm starting to worry about this issue as well. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do about it. Help pls ><
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