I don’t get it no matter what I do, no mater how hard I try I can’t get a girlfriend. I’m a 20 year old guy, and yes I am an otaku, but it’s not like you could tell just by looking at me. I’m not exactly good looking but I’m not a hideous fucker either. I have always been polite, honest (though not to the point of rudeness), and respectful. It’s like I have Hideki syndrome. I’m always being told how I’m such a sweet guy, but that never gets me any where. It’s not like I’m even given a chance, I’m just written of as “just a nice guy” and they move on. It gets worse every time because I’m terrified that I will always be alone. I don’t really have a lot of people I’m close with there or only one or two people I think of as real friends. I’ve even tried excepting the fact that I will probably always be alone but it just doesn’t work. I hate feeling like this, it feels weak and I hate that, but I just cant seem to stop thinking negatively like this.
I know how you feel, it's the same for me. Now i like this girl and i'm shy so i'm fighting myself and pushing myself to make the first step. Maybe you have this problem too, maybe you just don't have the courage to make a move. I'm 18 and i'm starting to panic. Try going out more with your friends, make new friends, and talk to them, maybe you'll find someone you like and maybe she will like you too.
Your problem is not that you are a nice guy, but rather that you lack social exposure,... Get more friends, go out more, do more things which put you in contact with other people, and your chances will increase.
I know how you feel. But you shouldn't let yourself down. 20 is no age to be desperate. It's just seems like momentarily lonliness.
As soon as you stop to think about it somethign will happen, at least that is how it always went for me.
I am 19-20 and i feel the same ...
OP here,
I'm trying very hard to get a social life, but whenever I try to get something together with friends they all usually flake on me. I only have one friend who has been consistantly reliable.
As for being worked up over my love life, its not so much that I am 20 and single as it is that I am 20 and have never made it past friendship with a girl. I can count on one hand the nuber of times I have goten even a short friendly hug T_T.
>>3 if you can take the pain.
Rejection,rejection,rejection,...rejection*youarehere*,rejection,WIN....break-up,rejection,rejection,rejection,... Ask you this, is it worth it?
There is no answer, we socially challenged people have it much harder.No pain, no gain:)
>>7
As you gain experience, you will have less rejections, simply because you can better evaluate the other peoples feelings, and sell yourself better. It's true that some people have it easier than others, but it does not mean that you can't do it, it just means you have to try harder than them. But if you do invest yourself, you will get there. It's like walking, it's harder for some people than others, but eventually everyone gets there,...
You seem to be very obsessed with rejection, maybe that's part of the problem. Be with other people is supposed to be fun, and not a source of anxiety because of rejection.
This all is very good advice, thank you so much for taking the time to give it.
>>8 thanks for that bit of advice. I know it is stupid but to be honest I never thought of my fear of rejection as a hindrance.
my friend...just be yourself. If you enjoying being an otaku, stay like that. Like >>7 said...you have to endure the rejection over and over again to make things better. Also (if you can) try not to play the "be someone else so I can land the girl" card. The more you act true to yourself, the more likely you will at least get an invitation or some sort...but at least try to look and act socially casual.
If you are 20, then you are still young and have a lot to experience. If you are JUST AN OTAKU...experiment on other things like sports, music (not techno/rave shit), traveling...something!!
Here's a tip: girls like guys who have an extensive portfolio of various experiences. My present girlfriend hated me before we started dating in high school. One time during Spanish class...I was paired up for an exercise with her. After we finished...I just asked her "what are your hobbies?" She said she liked to play the flute, enjoy dancing, and other things I don't remember. I responded by saying I play the violin, enjoying goin' to clubs, and played club soccer. She was so impressed that she wanted to hear more about myself.
Try it and see if it works; maybe when you are taking the bus, waiting in line at a fast food joint, or walking around the mall. Just don't look like a stalker or a creep as you approach her.
Always just be yourself and get yourself out there. It will work itself out.
Again, BE YOURSELF. Stand for what you think and who you are, and don't conjure up lies about yourself just because you think that's what the girls want to hear. See it like this: If you are true to yourself, the girl you end up with will be a girl who truly loves you for who you are. She will be in love with YOU, not things you made up. No matter who you are, NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE, there will always be people more than happy to love you for it.
And being an Otaku isn't bad by definition. Maybe what you're looking for is an Otaku girl? There are plenty and the love of your life might be one of them. In that case, try the webs? It works.
Also, just relax. It WILL work itself out. Just get yourself out there. Alone or with friends, you're not a loser just because you're out alone. Go to a pub and stick around for a bit, just to show you exist. A girl is just as likely to make the first move as you are. Don't panic, it'll be okay.
So, what do you do with this advice? You go out. If you feel low on confidence, drag a friend along. You'll notice girls look at you, and maybe that will be a boost.
Report back! ^^
Best wishes, as always
E
>>1
I think I know how you feel. I'm over 20 and never had a girlfriend. There are reasons for that, and I made some mistakes in the past (but I guess everybody does). Well... I currently have way too much to do to really worry about this. But then, sometimes, like right now, I feel quite lonely.
I think I missed a chance today. While I was walking to my car from the library there was a girl that ended up walking next to me. As we walked along I looked over at her and she was looking at me. When she saw me looking she smiled little and looked away. We had a few exchanges of glances and then ended up going in separate directions. I doubt she thought I was attractive but I feel like I could have at least talked to her or even just said hi. I’m happy that someone may have noticed me in a positive way but I hate that I couldn’t bring myself to take action.
Awesome. But don't hate yourself. This was a learning experience - remember you are getting stronger by the day.
I actually said hi to a girl today. I know it doesn’t seem like much but for me it’s a big step. Normally I would kind of look away but today I made a conscious decision to say something, anything because I found her attractive. I will do my best to keep moving forward.
>>15
That's great, it seems to be a small step, but it's a big one, remember this feeling, you will do other things that you didn't do before, try talking more next time if possible.
That's good you made some progress. here's a tip that i believe may be helpful. Don't think so much, just do it or don't do it. I learned from some quote from a class (college student) that the situations you get in are called FLOW. Your actions will just become an impulse and that the outcome can be rejection or acception etc.
If you see a girl, and say Hello, you have nothing to lose. No one hates others just because you say Hello to someone. That single HELLO can become your next key to opening talks with a girl. Don't be so pessimistic either, girls don't date pessimistic negative men, they can read a guy simply by looking at them. Stay positive and you'll find someone ^_^
Number one advice, don't ask girls for advice. I've noticed that there is a divide between what women say they look for, and what they actually find attractive. Number two, you need to be yourself, to a degree. If you play a role to hook a girl, you won't be able to keep up the facade forever. Number three, despite number two, you need to NOT be several things: clingy or desperate or accomodating. Girls, will get the impression that they're doing you a favor in a potential relationship. And they will feel they can do better. You don't have to be a douche (although it helps with girls with low self esteem...but you really don't want those types) and you don't need to be a faggot like Mystery (beep boop beep, according to my calculations, I should neg). But you can't be her little manservant. You have to have a backbone. It'll make you look stronger, smarter and confident. And confidence, is the big winning factor. Confidence, turns the table, making her feel you would be a good investment; if you act like you're worthwhile, she'll think you are worthwhile. But bringing the point back to 2, it helps if you play off real character strengths here, rather than fake ones. That, I think, is the key to good long lasting relationships.
>>18
I’m not really sure what my character strengths are. I’m mediocre at best with most of the things that I do. I guess I’m good at coming up with random facts and information, and I have traveled to South America, England, and Japan but I don’t know if that is worth anything. I will defiantly try to be more confident as I have always had confidence issues when it comes to women.
Well today I have made yet another small step forward. I was leaving my last class for the parking garage when I noticed a squirrel chewing on some foil candy wrapper. I’m kind of an animal freak so I somehow managed to get the squirrel to drop the wrapper and I threw it away. When this was done a rather attractive girl came up to me and commented on how I was able to get so close to the squirrel without it running away. We walked for a bit in the same direction and talked about how tame the animals are on camps and then we went our separate ways. I know the topic of the conversation was weird, but the conversation flowed naturally and it wasn’t awkward at all. I hope that this is a sign that I am either becoming approachable or just that I am becoming less awkward. All of the advice I have been receiving has been really helpful. I know that things haven’t changed much in this short of time but I can see that maybe I will be able to improve. I will keep you updated if anything interesting or important happens.
Dude, don't worry! There is a girl for you out there, you'll find her!
research the "mystery method," you don't necessarally need to follow it, just read it once and you'll get the big picture. i hope that helps.
Well today I made one step forward and one step back. I was in the collage convenience store to day when I saw a fairly cute girl buying sushi. To be honest I was not interested in her but I figured it would be good practice. I tried a couple of times to approach her but just ended up lurking because I could not get up the nerve. Finally I managed to say something in the checkout line.
Me: Hay, is the sushi here any good?
Her: It’s ok.
Me: …
Me: I’m so busy these days I almost never have the time to get some…
Her: …
Casher in the other line: Next!
Me: (Exit stage right in shame.)
I’m glad I was able to muster up the courage to talk and try to make an opening but man I sucked spectacularly.
To be honest, we're in the same boat... I'm a 19 years old and the number of years I've been girlfriendless. All my other attempts have been pretty much failures landing me in the friend zone... I totally get where you're coming from in everything. The anxiousness... the fear... all of that. I've watched shows like Vh1's pick up artist, which makes me feel like that stuff would work.
Although there is one thing you can do... You could meet lots of people! Me and you man... we got to break out of our shell and start talking to people. Even if we sound stupid or something we need to do something. The longer we wait, the more hopeless it seems. Instead of staying home and watching anime, which we both clearly love to do, go out! It s something I'm trying to do myself... As for you, do your best and never give up!
you already need to have the material in your head, several stories or lines and just say them one after the other. Be like your in a hurry (your friend is waiting, etc) so that will show you're not trying to be creepy.
That was a good opener for that type of situation, and obviously she wanted to talk to you.
I get what SiMO is trying to say here... I watched VH1's The Pick Up artist and they give some pretty good advice.
http://www.vh1.com/video/play.jhtml?id=1595865&vid=166894
Check out how to open a set and pep talk. To tell the truth, I tried this once, but I failed haha. Keep in mind that I gave up after that one, but maybe you can make it work. You're a few steps ahead of me anyways. Good luck
so today, i had an encounter. As i was leaving a restaurant i saw this one female worker who seen me before. I saw her, looked her in the eye and she did too, so i said 'hi' to her, and she responded, and took it further, "how are you?"
She knew who i was becuase i would talk to her in a playful way with her and tell her she's not doing a good job, etc. While she's preparing my food.
what i should have done was take it a step further, and not just leave like i was in a hurry.
"hey let me ask you something...blah blah blah" but it seems like my first reaction was to leave, and not stop and have a conversation.
still have a lot to learn.
Well it seems like you're a regular there, its not too late to go back and try it again right? Go for it next time! You can do it SiMO!
Honestly I used to be one of the shyest people you would ever meet. But it has always helped me to think that if there is no chance taken then there is no possible reward. Again, I think about, what is it do I have to lose? Try different things and you'll see the reactions and can note them (just mental notes not a pad and paper unless you have really bad memory). No girl is alike though. Last major thing thats helped me to break out of my shell, don't think so much, it just makes you more nervous. I'm no expert on girls, but that is just my experience. I wish you guys all the best.
I'm pretty sure everyone been through this stage, where you have girls problems. Here are my tips, I hope they help you.
i. Hobbies (women like men with multiple hobbies, like karate, sport, what you are studying/doing as a job etc.,
ii. Make her laugh
iii. Make sure you are relaxed. Being relaxed is important.
iv. Wear decent clothes. You can't go wrong with good fitting jeans + a polo shirt.
4. When you done all of this, when class is almost over, or the bar's about to close down or she needs to go, ASK FOR HER NUMBER. If you get it, nice work! If not,
Well there hasn’t been any advance in my interactions with women, but I have not been slaking off. This weekend I decided to try and work on my physical appearance and get some new clothes. Up until now I have been wearing tee shirts from target and long sleeves from L.L.Bean. Needless to say not the best looking choice of attire. So I ended up at Pennies looking for shirts. I know there are better clothes stores but I’m still just an otaku and the stuff from trendy stores probably wouldn’t fit me anyway. In the end I got totally overwhelmed and only managed to buy a Black button up shirt and a dark beige button up shirt. The black one is the only one that I think actually looks good on me but the other one isn’t bad.
Hopefully I will get a chance to use all tips that everyone has given me. I will continue to do my best.
>>31 games and anime is already two hobbies.
>>33
Yeah, but they're really close.
Also creative hobbies. Even if it's making papercraft of mecha or painting warhammer figurines.
You could get into origami instead! Easy to learn, cool to look at
I did make 1000 paper cranes on my own once, but I don’t know if that countess as a hobby.
not just cranes man, other things. Expand your zoo to other animals too
lions, tigers and bears... oh my.
Today has been very interesting. I just managed to have a completely non awkward conversation with a girl I have never met before. I was sitting down to eat my lunch when this girl sat her stuff don in the chare I was intending to use. When she saw that I had meant to sit down she apologized and moved her things. I took this chance to comment on the first snow of the year and it went on from there. We talked about parking majors and travel and, for me at least, it was enjoyable. The tips you have given me were very helpful in achieving this, I will continue to do my best. (9-_-)9
Great, now take try taking it a step further and befriending them or something!
Well nothing has happened in a while. I tried hitting it of with a cute girl in my Japanese class but I think I have been friend zoned. It isn’t so bad because she is a pretty fun friend but still, I guess its best that way. I saw several girls that I thought were cute and I wanted to say something but in the end I just walked by. I knew nothing would happen but I had hoped I could at least go far enough to do something a little spontaneous and risk my self just a little.
It feels like the whole world is mocking me right now. Every were I go I see couples holding hands and romantic movies and other pieces of assorted romantic media. I nice girls with men who are far worse looking than me and who treat them like crap. I what universe is that fare. I try to tell myself that the universe is just trying to guide me to the right person but that just sounds stupid.
I don’t know, I guess I just had to rant today. I’ll keep trying my best and remember everything you have all told me. I’ll keep you updated.
Keep trying anon, you can only lose if you give up and don't do anything.
Well yesterday I decided to work on my confidence. I decided that the first attractive women I saw I would tell her so. I did not think it would go anywhere but I figured if I could do that I would be a little more out going. So a rolled into the language building this morning on my way to Japanese and there she was, sitting there reading a book. I slowly walked up to her and kept going to the water fountain. It felt like I was trying to face down the endgame boss and I’m still Lv.1. So I gathered my courage and turned around. I strolled right up to her and kept going strait into the bathroom. Again I composed myself. I took a minute and composed myself. This time I was determined to do it or die trying. I came out again prepared for complete embarrassment. I came around the corner and… She was gone. I heard a door close and saw her entering her class room. I sulked of in defeat. I have sense seen several beautiful girls today and couldn’t talk to any of them. ;_; I suck so much.
>>44 Omg!!! I sense what you have! I act exactly the same. But you know what has happend? Like when i happen to be really close to some really hot guy, i don't sweat my pants so much, im more like a mellow and chill out.. Its hard for me to say even hello to the cute guise i see almost daily! But the more im in the same room with them, the more im getting used to them = i will win my fears any time soon!
I guess its the same with u, gogogo, do it if not next time, but one day, i know you can do it, i will believe in u!
yup, approach anxiety at its finest OP!
I'll tell you a special trick I learned... I've used this with Tamago too. When things were just beginning I was so nervous that I could barely engage her. There she is, would it be awkward for us to be alone? What would I talk about? Should I just do it next time? Oh my gosh shes alone! Should I sit with her?
Heres what you have to do... If you see someone you want to approach, no matter what just go in. 3 seconds at most! The longer you wait the more anxious you'll feel and the more of that vibe you'll give to the person you're approaching. Like if you're standing on the high board of a pool. Don't think, just do it! Seriously, what do you have to lose? You're pride? Forget that nonsense OP! Next time you see an attractive woman and you want to approach... In the interval of three seconds of spotting her go in or don't! If you fail you fail and move on, if you succeed, then you know lol. TRY THIS SOON AND REPORT BACK ASAP! NO EXCUSES! THIS IS YOUR LIFE! FIND HAPPINESS!
Otakun I’m sorry but I couldn’t do it. I tried really hard but I just couldn’t talk to anybody. I saw so many girls that I would have liked to talk to but it felt like I was going against the very nature of my being. It was like trying to walk into a room full of hungry tigers of my own free will. I hate myself for it but my body mind and mouth just wouldn’t obey me. I’ll try again tomorrow but don’t expect much. As I’m sure you can guess I’m rather down right about now. I really can’t see things getting better, miracles just don’t happen for me.
>NO EXCUSES!
I said 3 seconds! The longer you walk on "hot burning coal" the longer its going to hurt. Just get past it already!
I can’t do anything this weekend but come Monday I am making it my business to approach at least one girl and confront my fear. Let the 3 second skill training begin, I must not fail.
On Monday I will do my best to move forward, no matter what.
>>50
I'm with Otakun on this one. Just go berserk, stop thinking. Even if you fumble, you'll see that it's doable, and everything starts here.
I won't wish you good luck, because for this one it's not a question of luck, but I'm with you dude!
you can't lose if you don't play the game. but then you won't win anything either! don't be a wuss; stop thinking so much and just whack it (metaphorically speaking)
oh hai op, its monday, how did it go?! :)
Well… I drank pineapple juice. I wanted cranberry but they were out. Normally I would get pissed and storm of, but I thought “hell, I’ll just role with it.” It was actually really nice.
So ya… I failed again lol. I guess my point is that I learned something about why I fail. Whenever I go in for any situation I always like to have a plan. It’s kind of like how Killua can’t fight because he is always worried about staying alive rather than living “God I’m an otaku lol.” Unfortunately women have the amazing ability to destroy all plans completely. Otakun’s idea of 3 seconds is perfect, unfortunately I use up my three seconds before the girl even shows up. So I’ve decided F it I’ll take the pineapple juice. I’ll try again tomorrow.
How did you use up three seconds to decide to jump in the pool when you're nowhere near it yet? You don't even know if you're at the pool lol or going to the pool today. Once you're there thats when it starts =P
Well I don’t have time for girls between classes so I do have some idea of when I may be “going to the pool” if I get your meaning. I end up thinking about it before hand and I get so freaked out that when I finally arrive it all comes out and I freeze. It is getting better and hopefully I will succeed soon. Your words and my revelation amount to just about the same thing. I’ll update tomorrow.
be an asshole, fangirls will love you for it...
Hay guys. I’ve been working on finals right now so I haven’t had to much to report but something nice did happen today. There is a girl in my landscape architecture class who I think is kind of cute, lets cal her Rin-chan. Well she is rather cute, but she is the kind of girl that attracts male attention without trying and quite frankly I don’t stand a chance. I am pretty sure I have already been friend zoned anyway but that is beside the point. So yesterday she decides to call me up and ask me some questions about the take home exam we have. Now there are plenty of other guys who are far more interesting than me that she could have asked for help but she asked me. We just finished talking about what we were going to do on Friday when I mentioned that I was thinking about going to the media lab to watch a film that day. Out of the blue suggests that we see an anime I had told her about. She has never seen anime before and I had jokingly suggested that I could teach her al about it. I was surprised that I might tern into we without any suggestion on my part. Well we shall see how it goes. Nothing is going to happen but it will be fun to hang out with an attractive girl for once.
>>58
You've done one better than I have, at least. Hang out with an -attractive- girl that is.
SO in the end she cancled on me... fun.
This winter break is turning out to be a romantic let down. I have been trying to go out with friends more often but it seems like the only women who leave their homes are all with guys. I think I was better off at school. Today my friends were talking about their relationships and their sexual experiences and it made me feel really left out, like I was being told about a country I would never go to.
Well it is the start of a new semester and a new beginning. This semester I am going to try to be a lot more social and open. Hopefully this will open new doors and options for me. I have shut myself down socially for too long, it’s time to wake up and face the world. Wish me luck in my quest and hopefully I will have some good news before the semester is over.
Do your best!
dont be too nice. girls often feel bored. uve got to show them u r a real deal.
next time when u talk to a girl, take ur cock off from ur underpants and swing it hard.
Be your self!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well things are getting off to a rather good start. In my first week I have met two new girls. The first is in my plant bio class and she seems rather nice. I think I will probably get friend zoned there but that would be more like maintaining position than being set back so it’s ok. The second girl is in my Japanese class. She is rather cute and may have more potential. I haven’t known her for very long but she feels rather comfortable to be around. She doesn’t seem to be as worried about physical proximity as other people as she already has no problem leaning in to read over my shoulder and putting her hands on my arm. I know this doesn’t mean much but who knows. I don’t think I will actively pursue anyone though, that doesn’t seem to work for me. I’m just going to see where the flow takes me.
well,.... I am otaku too, and I got a girlfriend in age 24, being nice is not a bad thing to do, girls love smart and experienced man :)
>...and putting her hands on my arm. I know this doesn’t mean much but who knows.
Well actually it IS a very good thing. Means she's comfortable around you. Don't hesitate to initiate physical contact too and see how she reacts. (hand on shoulder as you laugh after a joke and such).
Fuck… Hands on shoulder means nothing she has a boyfriend.
That’s what I get for being optimistic. You’d think I would have learned by now…
I just found out that one of my friends just started a new relationship. This week is fast turning into bullshit.
I feel for you dude. I guess people like us will end up getting the ugly girls instead. It's hard to believe even some immature brats out there managed to score nice-looking-gorgeous-cute chicks while us, well-mannered and mature ones get the leftover.
The law of universe sure works in mysterious way.
No… No I will not accept this. There must be cute, clever, kind girls out there who can accept and appreciate us for who we are. I will not accept that there are no women who will have our kind. In a world so full of wonder there must surely be such women for people like us. I will not accept so black a fate as eternal loneliness. I shall do everything in my power to overcome the weaknesses that hold me back and I shall find my hearts companion if it is the last thing I do.
There's only a limited amount of moe in the world. Don't hog it all..
If you're not willing to accept a girl whose less than cute, why should there be any cute girls who are willing to accept you?
I can understand if you're of the "I'll only date a hot/cute woman even though I'm not that good looking myself." mentality, but please realize it's a double edge sword. Either suck it up and stop complaining how hard it is or learn your place and stop go after girls that you(physically, at least) don't deserve to be with.
Actually my standards of cute would be rather low to most people (if you are only going on looks that is). For me “cute” involves personality and originality as much as looks, in some cases more so. Average looks plus original personality makes cute for me. I actually dislike those girls who most people think are cute but have ether no personality traits or are self centered. I’m sorry for the misunderstanding and I hope I did not offend you.
Well, in my case, cute doesn't mean she has to be the prettiest girl I wanted to be with. Average looks would be just enough. I'm not sure about personality since I've never been in a close relationship with a girl. Sure I can wish that a girl has to be kind-hearted, nice, loving, caring, etc. But in real life, girls may lack some of those criteria. Gotta trust yer instinct to choose the right person :)