Typical(?) Long Distance Relationship Break-up Problem (8)

1 Name: WestCosatOP : 2008-11-16 07:24 ID:D6zV+JCd

So, I meet this girl when I'm 17 on a cruise ship. She's 14. We hang out during the entire duration of the cruise, we hit it off great. Nothing "happens" between us on the ship in THAT sense, but we still feel like we need to keep in touch, so we trade AIM SN's. We wouldn't be able to see/talk to eachother however, since I'm on the west coast and she's practically on the complete opposite coast.

Fast-forward to today (3 years later, me being 20 and her being 17). At about the beginning of May, I told her that I loved her. She felt the same way. So we called it official, did the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing (as much as internet contact allowed) and I informed her of my plans about going out to where she was for next year's (2009) summer vacation which coincided with her Senior Prom. She was totally down with it. It went as smooth as (I would assume) a long distance relationship would go up until about September.

Here's where my problem starts.

Basically, for her summer vacation (from about June to August), she left the country for 2 1/2 - 3 months to go to China. We kept in touch via e-mail since AIM and phone calls would be relatively out of the question, but there were maybe 6 messages total between the two of us. I assumed she was having a ball, so I didn't want to smother her too much with constant barrages of "I miss you"'s and "When will you be back?"'s. And have a ball she did.

When she got back to the States, I was ecstatic. I saw her online for the first time in months, so of course I had to drop a line. But I noticed something changed. Her demeanor with me was just like "Oh, hey..." as opposed to "Hey, what's up?". I asked if something was wrong, and she said that she was tired/worried/etc. considering this is her Senior year in HS, and she has to worry about college applications, SATs, and the like. So I thought, "Okay, I understand. She needs time to get her scholastic life back on track. No problem."

Another month passes, and I decide to check up on her; see how she's doing. She has the same kind of demeanor with me that she did last time we talked. This is where it started to go downhill for me. I tried looking on the upside and started bringing up the whole thing about me swinging by in 2009 for her prom.

She tells me that she's calling that whole thing off. She said she needed to put her focus in school and her friends, which I can totally respect. She has her priorities set, and I completely understand...to a point. So I asked her, "So...does this mean I should cancel my travel plans?" She said "Yeah...".

At this point, I had a pretty good inkling of what was gonna happen the next time we had a conversation. And that inkling came to pass.

Conversation sometime in September:

"Are we still in a relationship or are we friends at this point?"

"At this point, we're friends."

And there it was. The break-up. I want to say it hurt less considering the fact I saw it coming, but it really didn't. Despite all this, we agreed to remain friends. I did say this, though:

"Despite us not really being together anymore, I want you to know that I still love you. It's not right for me to be IN love with you at this time, and I promise to act as such, but I want you to know I still do love you. It's cool as long as we're still good friends, right?"

"Definitely."

Fast-forward again to today.

2 Name: WestCosatOP : 2008-11-16 07:25 ID:D6zV+JCd

(continued)

I realize that I still have feelings for this girl, but I fear that if I try to move in on her again, I'm gonna be left with the short end of the stick and just get shot down even further than I was the first time. I've talked to several of my friends about this situation. Several say "Well...that's it, dude. Long distance relationship...you learned your lesson?". Several others say "Hey, who knows. Just roll with the punches and if you really think it's meant to be, just go for it and things may just turn out in your favor."

I very much want to pursue the latter, despite making it sound like I'm only hearing the words that I want to. I've heard both arguments and I'd like to think I've put them into the proper perspective, but again, my feelings are listening to the latter.

This is where I ask you, Anon/Secret Admirers/"Insert Clever Name Here".

What course of action should I take? Should I cut my losses and move on? Should I keep going at it? If so, do I go about it slowly and carefully or just come out with it?

Any and all help would be greatly appreciated. And one last thing...

Don't feel as though you have to spare my feelings. If you have to tell me something that you think will crush me emotionally - do it. I'd much rather have blunt, painful responses than ones that beat around the bush.

3 Name: Otakun : 2008-11-16 08:07 ID:i4cvBKQX

I recently had an extremely long distanced relationship with a girl... and it completely failed on me. However, I had a friend that kept a relationship at the same distance and it worked out. All I can say is its really 50/50 because its online. You don't exactly know what events that can change either of you before its too late or already happened. I mean me and my girl we were on the right road too, but the communications was the hardest thing. For your sake, stay friends, but try to detach yourself from the love you feel. My friend once told said, "I don't know whats worse, the pain of holding on? Or the pain from letting go?"

If you really want to be dramatic you could go there anyways and figure this stuff out, and if doesn't work you're on vacation anyways. It'll give you some time to find yourself and move on if it doesn't work out...

I know I'm sounding pessimistic, but the situation looks bleak from my perspective and I'm worried about how you're doing. I know how hard it is to hold onto a girl after you lost, So its up to you now. Fight for her or spare yourself. Whatever you do I'm sure everybody on here would support you. If not, theres always Otakun

4 Name: WestCoastOP : 2008-11-16 09:01 ID:D6zV+JCd

Well, I'm kinda throwing the idea of going out there with one of my buddies for his birthday; y'know, kill two birds with one stone? Worse comes to worse, we'll still be friends and I'll get a vacation out of it.

What I'm worried about is how I could potentially bring it up if I do decide to go that route.

As far as my current state of mind, the whole situation doesn't really bother me until I start thinking about it like this.

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-11-16 09:06 ID:bOi0qFu3

So let's see: You have not seen her for ages, she is reluctant to communicate with you, thinks it's a bad idea for you to go meet her at her prom, and broke up with you.

This may come as shocking news to you, but your relationship is over, terminated, finished. For sake of clarity, let me rephrase it to you: No more, basta, end of the line.

The fact that you still have feelings is irrelevant. She is not interested.Causes and reasons are a matter of speculation: after three years apart she is not the same person as before (probably the trip to China helped her realize that), and the prom is a symbol of a change, shift in life. I'm sorry to tell you, but the relationship is part of her past now. I'm pretty sure the last thing she wants is to introduce her virtual ex-boyfriend to her friends and family. Nevertheless, take solace in the fact that your relationship lasted for quite a long time, and that it was probably sincere from both sides. It's a lot more than most of them. It was good while it lasted, but now it's time for both of you to move on. She was clear about it, so now be a gentleman a do your part, stop clinging to her.

6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-11-16 09:57 ID:b7Qxb07Y

Hey OP, sorry to hear about all of that. It must be tough, especially since it's a long distance thing.

Give yourself more time to think it over before you decide what you want to do in this situation. Where are you in life? What are your goals? What are your wants and needs, and how do these two weigh against each other? What about her? Things like that.

It may take days, weeks, or even months, but whatever you decide, it should be something you're very sure of. I don't think you can make a sound decision if your mind is clouded, so I suggest you put some space between her and you.

(Ah sorry, it's getting late here and I can't think straight.. Maybe I'll try again later.) Stay strong, OP! We're here to support you.

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-11-16 12:55 ID:nWlCFDt/

give her some space, if she's stressed out about going to college, then give her some advice or whatever about college (i'm assuming you're in college now?)
-try to act like a friend as much as possible, and just drop the boyfriend/girlfriend thing until she mentions it again. who knows, maybe she got herself a boyfriend over the summer.

so what you should do now, just look for other girls. greater chance of having a successful relationship that way

8 Name: WestCoastOP : 2008-11-29 10:25 ID:6SqhjXqa

Just a minor update about the whole situation.

I took your guys' advice and decided to distance myself from "EastCoastEx" in that way. And you know what - I feel a lot better. It seems as though I'm now able to be a LOT more honest with her than I ever was when we were together.

I believe I mentioned in a prior post that we're still pretty good friends and keep in touch every so often via AIM. Earlier this evening I showed her a COOL&CREATE concert bit on YouTube. It was of the guitarist in a Sakuya outfit (read: maid) playing his version of one of the Touhou character's (Cirno's) themes. I ended up showing it to her and telling her that JRock has taken a step up in my book.

A little about that - I CAN'T, FOR THE LIFE OF ME, STAND JROCK. EastCoast, on the other hand, can't, for the life of her, see herself without it. During the relationship, she's practically tried to convert me to JRock fanhood. Visual Kei is a major focus for her. Avoiding it is mine. My reasons for abhoring it are many, but are a different story. (I'll go there if anyone's interested.)

Anyway...my little comment seemed to have gotten on her nerves quite a bit. Apparently, what I showed her didn't qualify as JRock. Five minutes later, we're having a sociological argument about music genres. Here's the thing with me: like Joe Pesci in "My Cousin Vinny", I love to argue...I-I live to argue. I find pleasure in it. However, I don't think I could say the same for EastCoast. She put up with it to the point where she felt she had to separate herself from the argument.

As much as I don't want to sound like sour grapes or like I'm happy I have some kind of imaginary upper-hand on the break-up, I feel as though I'm now able to say whatever the hell I want around her now that I don't have to worry about things like "Oh, no...what if she holds this against me later when we're arguing about something else?". It almost feels like a renewed sense of freedom.

Anyway...yeah. Just wanted to write that down.

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