Falling for my best friend (41)

40 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-01-03 22:39 ID:uwzED8IU

You can say that you know her and understand her best, and that you will treat her "right" where all her past relationships have been "wrong" but it won't do either of you any good. She is looking for someone to date, but it sounds like you want to take care of her. She's out there looking for someone to be with, someone that loves her and provides for her something. She may not know what that something is yet, but she's looking for it.

You talk about what you think she needs and how you feel so bad for her and her failed relationships. Do you want to be with her because you love her? Or do you want to be with her because you pity her? Because you believe yourself to genuinely be better than the rest of the guys she's been with? That you're selflessly giving yourself to her as a rock for her to ground her horrible, misguided life upon? You aren't really sure what you want anymore because you're delusional -- you're confusing pity for caring and sympathy for love.

She's out there discovering what she needs and figuring out what she really wants -- sure, it may be trial by error, but she's trying. You're fixated on one girl you think you love because you have convinced yourself you know so much more about her than she does, putting yourself upon a pedestal as if you were her knight in shining armor come to save her from the hell she blindly subjects herself to. At least she's out there subjecting herself to something real instead of deluding herself with theories and ideas and assumptions that selfless acts of caring and love are really what everyone needs.

Not telling her how you feel will leave you with unhandled emotional baggage. You will attempt to move on, slowly and painfully, haunted by the idea that you might have had a chance. You will never get over her. Ever.

Telling her how you feel now will put her in an awkward situation, and she'll probably make that very clear. Even then, it gives her a choice: does she stay with the boyfriend that was so bad to her in the past? Or does she move on to you, an unknown quantity promising her everything you think she wants. She may stay with the old one for security reasons or out of obligation or because she thinks you're being creepy. She may decide to move on and start seeing you.

If she does, I assure you I know what will happen. You will "love" her and "comfort" her, treating her like an injured child, trying to nurse her heart back to whatever standard you hold against her. You'll give and give and give to her, be it money or time or affection, all without expecting anything in return. You will either smother her with affection and force her to leave, or you will both go on thinking you're both happy this way, blind to the massive gap growing wider and wider between you every day. You'll be happy and carefree until something goes wrong, and then you'll see that neither of you really know each other or trust one another or know how the other thinks or feels. You will both argue and fight, desperately trying to build back a house of cards on shaky ground. You'll either figure out how to move on from there, or you'll leave each other, bitter after trying to place the blame on one thing or the other when the fact of the matter is neither of you are more or less at fault.

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