I've already somewhat had misgivings... and I of course somewhat feel like I am doing this because I am desperate.
A little background, I am 22 and graduated from University. She is 19 and has overbearing parents.
It started with me confirming my date for tomorrow, which I believe is proper etiquette, given both I and her are somewhat busy people and things happen at the last moment. It seems, however that her parents have stipulated that we can only date if we bring her two pre-teen brothers as "chaperons" on our date. Obviously, this is all kinds of "Jesus Christ, are you kidding me?" bad for ample reason. A list of reasons obviously includes: no intimacy, inability to maintain any conversation of any mental or emotional fiber without kids looking at me, and of course, the money.
I wanted to initially do something more expensive, but I can't foot the bill for four people and I told her parents that. They didn't really sympathize, and offered as options that I may either cancel the date and reschedule, or find something cheaper to do. I'm kinda bummed because I parred down to going hiking since it only cost two dollars for parking... I am just wondering if this is going the wrong direction from the start.
I'm not sure what I am trying to ask. I see this as the parents thinking that I can babysit their kids for them; that they see me as some sorta sexual predator; and that they can't trust their daughter with even a simulacrum of independence.
"Should I keep going understanding that it is normal for her parents to be like this at the beginning, or should I just stop?" I guess, is my question.
Hey, 3 here from your last the other thread.
Either talk to her parents directly, or ask your girlfriend to talk to them for you. They're being totally irrational; why would you bring two pre-teen kids with you? There is no way that that would be any less than awkward.
>>2
I agree with this guy. Cancel the date and get your GF to talk to her parents.
It's a bull*hit relationship approval by her parents. They know that in the end, your relationship won't go anywhere and eventually, your relationship will break. That's exactly what they wanted to happen. Parents like that are bad news. Just break up and go date another girl.
If you feel invested in this girl, then I would take some time to negotiate the parents problem. Why don't you get to know them better by going to their house?
If you do that, I would take the opportunity to explain them that you have no problem in and getting to know the family, but a date is something personal in which pre-teen (or even mature people) have no place. If you speak to them directly, and in their home, they will be less inclined to dismiss you than if you remain an abstract concept for them. Don't be confrontational (that would be the worse), but show that you are serious, and that they can't easily brush you aside. This should make things much easier. Also, if they insist on this chaperone thing, then talk openly about what are their fears. They will be so embarrassed that you will have an advantage. In any case, negotiate your privacy with them.
At the end of the day, it's your girlfriend who needs to gain her independence, but if her parents see that you are serious and present, they will have a very hard time ignoring you. Also don't forget that they may be afraid of the unknown, but that if they get to know you they may be more relaxed
I haven't really heard what your Girlfriend thinks about all this? There wasn't anything explicit in your post, at least.
>>2
Thanks for your optimism.
>>3
Unfortunately, at this point it is a tiny bit late. When I was discussing this with her, she said, "Well, if you want, you can cancel it then,"
To which I responded, and probably this was the incorrect response, "Well, if that is what you want, let me start getting ready for another time."
To which she responded, "Is that what I said?" In an undertone I interpreted as expressing displeasure, or possibly irritation. So, even though I already considered, and even motioned for the idea of calling the date off, it didn't work.
>>4
This is something I'm afraid of, but have been seriously considering as being a very big possibility. Sometimes, I imagine, that when people post here, they kinda want sympathetic post that reinforce the fantasy, "everything will be all right," but instead they get hit in the face as hard as possible with the black-and-white truth. I was expecting a few more responses in this vein, but please understand that I have been considering this position already, and I appreciate your well grounded stance in reality.
>>5
They have very weird rules about people being allowed into their house. (Another reason for misgivings about the whole idea) but I like the advice that you gave. Having an adult to adult conversation is a good idea, I think, but I imagine that if they won't let me into their house, that I need to instead, invite them to an alternative venue, like my house.
>>6
It is as you can read above in my response to 3... if that helps give you any perspective on her point of view. She has told me before that her parents are a little weird, and I have told her before that she is an adult.
Again, thank you for your responses everyone. I wanted to vent my frustrations somewhere, and I didn't feel like laying this on my real life friends, and my family wasn't really available to talk to at the moment.
>>7
Well,... Do let us know how things went, as salary for our cooperation ^^
Good luck with the girl, I was once in a very similar situation, so I can understand your difficulties.
Well... I went and so on... she said she had a good time... but as I feared it was difficult to have any one on one conversation with her... haven't gotten to resolving anything yet. Hope to do that soon.
Oh and surprisingly... I was let into their house. I can't remember if I mentioned it or not here, but even before dating her, I've known her for more than a year... and this is the second time I have been let in to their house. (I've known them because I hold a position of leadership in an organization which members of their family are involved.)
>>9
Is said the organization named "Scientology"?
If it is, better quit before Tom Cruise the 2nd is born XD
>>10
Said organization is a Baptist Church; I tried to refrain from saying so because I didn't want some sort of religious debate/name calling thing to start. I teach the high school Bible Study, lead music on mid-week services, and I manage the audio visual equipment during the Sunday Service.
>>12
Well then I think you don't even need to ask what the problem is. I am sure that her parents' misgivings are grounded in 'religious' beliefs (which don't seem very good or conducive to love).
I'm not a christian myself but am fairly well versed in the bible, and I note that jesus never says very much or leaves what he says up to the interpretation of others. Try and convince her parents that they are wrong in their views and provide biblical evidence. Map out your argument beforehand.
>>13 No, don't even breach the religions theme. You are not going to change their views on religion, this will only cause animosity against you. Your best bet is to win their confidence, or at least decrease their anxiety towards you, by letting them know you better.
I agree. Better leave the religions theme alone. They may even think that you are trying to teach them your religious beliefs. It's good if you tell them and they accept your words. But if they don't, that's going to be very counter-productive. So don't go there.