How to approach a shy girl? (42)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-02-14 05:57 ID:Fq7082iG

Question...how does one approach a shy girl who they have only seen in the school and don't actually have any classes with them? The most she might know about me is my name.

I saw her sitting alone at the library as usual today, and I felt really sad at the thought of her not receiving any cards on Valentine's day, so I gave her a last-minute looseleaf paper Valentine's day card just saying "Happy Valentine's Day" with my name on it. She probably doesn't think anything of it, if anything she probably thinks its a joke so I'm hoping she just forgot it...but what do I exactly do with someone like that? Just sit down next to her at the library and go "Heeyyyy baby!"

She is quiet, beautiful, and ignored by most of the guys in my school for some reason, they all want talkative bitchy girls for some reason I guess...So what do I do anons? Only a few months left until we're both off in different colleges so I feel like I need to do something...

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-02-14 07:05 ID:o/6GfYm3

Trust me it mattered.

Just go and talk to her.

"Hi."

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-02-14 07:11 ID:2remXekb

>>2
Seconded.

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-02-14 12:27 ID:MfqurTP4

>>2 she prolly blushed and was flattered, maybe she likes you, but is very shy. She will think about you a lot now, go talk to her

5 Name: not OP : 2009-02-14 18:19 ID:7tEORV0O

Agh, I'm kinda shy myself and have a similar situation. See, I just came out of an emotional breakdown and am trying to reorganize my social habits, and I want to understand this.

I know this girl, who, more reserved than shy and better socially than I, but though smart and pretty, she has no romance.

She has some of the same hobbies and classes I do, and likewise is a deep thinker... HELP!

6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-02-15 15:36 ID:jKFsLhIB

OP is freaking cool. I though he will be some whining bastard. Go for it. Man... I am jealous.

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-02-15 15:38 ID:jKFsLhIB

>though

thought

Sorry. And once again: you rock man! It's certain win.

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-02-16 00:44 ID:T2bvJLks

Go for it OP!

9 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-02-16 00:51 ID:8ZsCu/7V

GO FOR IT!
this is on of you best chance in your life!
i've been waited that chance for almost 22 years and haven't got any....

10 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-02-16 03:07 ID:AnVXPmg/

go fer it!

11 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-02-17 12:03 ID:5Z41a2rA

>>1

You already did the hardest part. Now it's just about getting to know her and arranging to spend some time together to do that.

Good luck!

12 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-02-17 15:59 ID:Fq7082iG

OP here...thanks for the support guys, really. Don't get me wrong, I'm a very social guy and I'm good at talking to girls but I've never been in a relationship before so this exactly going to be a cakewalk for me.

Any ideas how I should spark conversation with her? If she was in one of my classes that would be no problem, I would just ask her about a homework assignment or something to start, but this is not the case. Should I just sit down in front of her and nonchalantly introduce myself?

She already knows I'm interested from the card I gave her, so what do you think a shy girl like her would want to hear me say?

I'm on February break this week so I've got a lot of time to think this out, any ideas you guys have would be greatly appreciated.

13 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-02-17 16:52 ID:Zedn6odO

Why don't you make it simple and say "Hi, who are you, in which class are you..." etc, etc. Just talk casually, be interested in her, and do drop some information about you so that your communication remains even.

Basically the goal of your information would be to get to know her better, and to find out opportunities to meet her again (is she routinely at the library? what kind of activities does she like to do, etc).

Just do things the simple way, and only think about complicating it when the simple approach is not sufficient.

14 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-02-19 20:36 ID:CPZ9i0Oq

>just sit down in front of her and nonchalantly introduce youself

go for it OP!

15 Name: fellow shy person : 2009-02-20 09:07 ID:RHmHFfj6

If you share some of her interests, that's an excellent start. See if you can catch her somewhere - library, cafe, outside class during breaks...it's much much easier to start a conversation if you both have common interests, or, at least, show interest in what she likes. It's always easier to start a conversation if you get the other person to talk about what makes them passionate.

Hope you get to know her better. :3

16 Name: AnonymousMan7 : 2009-02-21 04:52 ID:vL4EQTiI

Just talk to her. Sit next to her and talk to her, see how she is like.

17 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-02-22 02:21 ID:hxNEBOF9

Listen Op, I don't know if you saw her after you gave her the card but the thing I would do now is to approach her by saying "Did you like the card? I tried really hard to make it that way" even though you didn't. That should sound funny to her. :) Or at least I think so... Anyway, you shouldn't try to approach her with "hey baby", I don't think that she would think that's hot.

the thing with shy girls is that they are only shy in the beginning. Once you know get to know her, or once you actually start conversation it shouldn't be to difficult to continue it.

Definitely do something, who know maybe yu actually end up in the same college. :)

18 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-02-23 20:02 ID:Fq7082iG

Well guys, I did it. Walked into the library and found her again as usual, sat down at her table and just began talking. I told her my name again, and she told me hers. Think I might have said a joke or some little comment about the card but I don't really remember.

Then I started asking her stuff about various classes, what colleges she's applying to, etc, and to my delight the first school she mentioned was Le Moyne, where I've already been accepted with a scholarship and whatnot. She even laughed when I was telling her about my horrible physics teacher.

The whole time we talked she had a grin on her face. At one point there was an awkward silence and she just said "I'm really not much of a conversationalist..." and I told her I wasn't either.

To make things even better, when I asked her about hobbies she said she enjoyed reading mostly. I then told her about how I'm planning to be writer and she seemed even more interested in me.

I was a little worried that she wouldn't be as pretty as I thought seeing her up close, but she is a goddamn beauty. It really makes me wonder why I'm the only one who's noticed her, guess other guys don't like shy girls? Her voice is really nice too.

I'm in love guys, this is really it. I even thought I might have had depression before but I guess I really was just lonely, I don't think I could be fucking happier.

Which brings me to my next point...how do I turn this situation into a relationship? I've decided to meet her in the library every morning, and also during lunches since she told me she spends her time in the library during lunch. Should I just give it a few more weeks then ask if she wants to go out with me or maybe something more creative? Any advice you guys have would be greatly appreciated, gotta thank you all for all the support so far.

19 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-02-23 20:26 ID:fLfPZ6jv

>It really makes me wonder why I'm the only one who's noticed her, guess other guys don't like shy girls? Her voice is really nice too.

There's plenty of rough diamonds who go unnoticed, and are for the picking of the more attentive ones. You got lucky, no need to angst about that.

As for the follow-up, why don't you spend the next days to learn more about her? Not only her reading tastes, but what kind of activities interest her, etc (films, music, places in town, activities, etc). Try to gather enough information to know how to plan activities with her that will for sure interest her. Also, by the time you get comfortable talking to each other, you could invite her for a drink, or the cultural/age equivalent that fits your situation.

20 Name: Daydreamer : 2009-02-25 01:08 ID:6YOJQIkC

I'm so happy for you. :D

21 Name: fartman : 2009-03-01 02:02 ID:WElHyEXX

>>1
"Heeyyyy baby!" and wank right in front of her.

22 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-03-02 20:13 ID:Fq7082iG

OP here.

Things have not gone exactly as planned. After that one day that I thought was a "success", she has not showed up at the library once. Now maybe this is just a coincidence but now I'm beginning to think I scared her off or something. I have another plan which I will tell you about if I get the chance to try it. I WILL NOT GIVE UP YET!

23 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-03-02 21:54 ID:mcwFr5nK

don;t overdo it.

  1. be confident about yourself. it attracts girls.
  2. make yourself think everyone wants you. eventually everyone will.
  3. don;t use the forums. did that twice. did not work out. (insecure) the next time after that.. BINGO.
  4. just be yourself and make her having a good time. don't overload her with "you"

those are the only things you should think about in my opinion.
she's human, she;s having the same needs as you.

good luck :)

24 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-03-03 23:28 ID:Fq7082iG

Alright, OP here again, just going to clarify the situation:

  1. She hasn't been at the library in the morning or during lunch like she normally is.
  2. She recently dyed her hair a brownish color (was black before)

Now, here are the three possibilities for why this has happened:

A1. Hopefully not, but maybe she judged me from the short conversation as an interesting person and is avoiding me. If this is the case, hopefully just talking to her more will make her interested. She also probably dyed her hair brown because she's confident that she could get a better guy interested if someone like me was interested.
A2. Maybe she described me to a friend or her parents and they thought I sounded like a stalker or something so they told her to stay away from me.
B. Maybe its just been a coincidence? (probably not since as far as I can remember she has ALWAYS been in the library in the morning)
C. It would be awesome if this was true but I HIGHLY doubt it, maybe she's never in the library anymore because she's looking for me! Yeah, that has to be it! And she died her hair brown to gain my attention

I have a plan of my own which I will execute next chance I get to get her interest back, but I don't really feel like going into details about that. I also have attained her email address but from experience I know emailing does not work. Any ideas would be awesome.

25 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-03-03 23:30 ID:Fq7082iG

>interesting person

Meant to say uninteresting person here.

26 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-03-06 14:34 ID:Heaven

OP here again, nevermind all that jumble I just wrote, I was just being paranoid.

27 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-03-06 15:52 ID:jD9j4uPd

>>26

OP! What's the status? How did you find that you were being paranoid?

28 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-03-06 21:19 ID:LKJTXT/l

>>26

Hey! Dude, what's the story! You are really living the dream man! I've been waiting 19 frigging years for that kind of opportunity and it has yet to happen. Take advantage of this opportunity!

I'm happy to hear that your fears were unfounded but update us! What's going on? Did she approach you or something?

Ok, now for some actual advice. What little bit I have found out is that if you can make a girl laugh, you can make her love you. Don't think about it though. If you devote too many mental resources to thinking up a joke, then you'll miss learning about her. Instead, use what she has to say and take things you both like and try to make something funny from that.

IMPORTANT! And I mean this, and it's sort of worked for me at times, TAKE NOTE OF BODY LANGUAGE! This is a psychological phenomenon that has much evidence to back it up (I'm a psych major so I know some stuff ;) ) Anyways, when people mirror each other's body language, it sends a strong signal to them on an unconscious level.

For instance, if she's really into the conversation, she'll lean towards you, when she does this, you mirror her actions. If she leans her head on her arm or crosses her legs or does anything, try to approximate that position. Don't do a moment to moment type of replication but only the basic posture. Sitting forward, back and sustained posture is all you need to approximate for this to work.

Finally, when you go on a date, make it exciting and here's why. People aren't good at attributing causes to their mental states and can often confuse the cause of their emotions. For instance, if you go to a horror movie and she gets scared and you put your hand on hers, she will probably misattribute her racing heart to you. She'll think it's you only that's exciting her. Or, if she likes to go to bookstores or whatever, try to make her feel really happy about something (like a favorite book or something) and try to get some small physical contact or proximity or gazing directly into her eyes. Again, there is a good chance that she'll think it's nothing but her feelings for you that makes her feel like that and she'll come back for more.

That's all the practical tips I can give for now but if you'd like more, let me know. I might as well start putting this degree to good use. :)

29 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-03-08 05:24 ID:Fq7082iG

Alright, well, I was thinking she was trying to avoid me since she stopped showing up at the library in the morning, and that still may be the case, but I did get a chance to talk with her during lunch when I happened to see her at the library as I was doing some work.

So we talked about various things, like the car crash I got in recently due to an old dude that sucked at driving, then she talked about a car crash she was in when her grandma was driving. I also told her about this experiment I've been doing lately, which pretty much involves me going around and talking to random strangers know for fun, and I told her she was part of the experiment. So from now on, whenever I see her I just say "I'm here to collect some more data for the project..." I'm sure she really knows why I'm talking to her due to the whole Valentine's day thing, but I'm going to keep saying its for the experiment for a while just for fun.

She still seemed interested and smiling and everything while we were talking, but for whatever reason she still isn't coming to the library in the morning. She had work with her the one time I talked to her, maybe she really just hasn't had any work this past week...or maybe she actually couldn't get the work done when I talked to her, so she does it in an empty classroom instead.

In any case, how should I arrange to talk to her more often? I'm guessing she doesn't come to the library every lunch and I know for a fact now she doesn't come to the library in the mornings anymore. I'm thinking of asking her to come to the library in the mornings "just so I can collect some more data for the stranger experiment". Unless you guys have any better ideas I'll probably end up doing this, I'll wait to see what you guys have first though. I mean, its pretty much indirectly asking her out by indirectly telling her "we should meet in the library every day" so it just seems a little too early for me...

>>28

Thanks for the advice, and I know EXACTLY what you mean when it comes to body language, I have always been good at noticing those types of things.

Anyways, I am still unsure why exactly she stopped coming to the library or why she dyed her hair brown. Now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure she never went to the library every day in the first place, so I think I was just being paranoid to think she was avoiding me...but eh, who knows. She could be smiling and stuff but wanting me to get the fuck out of there the whole time. I dunno, what do you guys think I should do in this situation? Ask anything else if you need to.

30 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-03-08 09:12 ID:tiAb6Rrj

You're setting yourself up for disaster. First off, lay off on the whole experiment thing. A little joke like that can get weird after it's worn out its welcome. Also, get off the library train. If you want to get to know somebody, do it in a medium generally recognized as one for social interaction. Just ask her if she'd like to get some coffee sometime. It's not a date, so you don't have to get nervous about the whole thing. If you hit it off, just say you had a good time, and depending on how confident you're feeling about the situation, say you'd like to do it again or that you'd like to take her out for dinner. If she wants to see you again, then you can exchange phone numbers so you can make your plans. Assuming that all goes to plan, then you're pretty much set.

31 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-03-08 14:42 ID:Fq7082iG

>>30

As I said before, I've only talked to her twice so I think its still a little too early before I actually ask her to meet somewhere. Most people I know are friends with girls for weeks, even months before they first ask them out somewhere. At least in my generation of people as a high school senior, asking her to meet somewhere once is the same thing as asking her out. I can't think of any of my friends having asked their girlfriends to go for a coffee or dinner before going out with them, but hey I dunno, maybe she is different than most girls and would actually be interested in that. I think figuring out how to talk to her more than twice should come before I ask her out to meet somewhere, because as I said before she's not in a single one of my classes so she only knows me from those two conversations. And we barely talked about anything at all.

And she did seem interested in the experiment thing when I talked about it and of course I realize I can't use that joke every time.

32 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-03-09 00:09 ID:tiAb6Rrj

Wow you're incredibly self destructive. Quit shooting yourself in the foot. Do you actually like this girl or do you want to be stuck in the friend zone. Coffee isn't a date. Asking her to join you for a cup of coffee just says, "I would like to see you and chat with you some more". You want to talk to her more, and that's how you do it. If you don't run into her on a regular basis, there's really no other way. And since it sounds like you don't have weeks or months to cozy up to this girl, you have no choice. And because you don't have weeks or months to cozy up to this girl, you've got nothing to lose. I've learned this the hard way after years of getting nowhere with girls, but you're never going to accomplish anything if you don't do anything. That goes for anything in life.

33 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-03-14 13:58 ID:Fq7082iG

Alright, I understand I need to go on a date somewhere with her, but a coffee shop? Really? That sounds like something out of a fucking movie or dating book. Any other ideas?

34 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-03-14 15:11 ID:wMVNvs5q

>>33
Not really. It's just a thing you say. You don't even have to go for coffee.
It's just understood. Just say, "Hey, how about we go for a coffee some time?" Or, "Hey, you know, I'd like to get to know you better. How about we go for a coffee some time?"
Then you agree on a time and place and take it from there.
That simple.

35 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-03-16 09:27 ID:FHVCojkz

Dude. It's not a date unless you make into one, so don't stress so much on that. >>34 knows what it's about, mind what he said. The whole point of coffee, or something equally as simple, is that it is in fact simple. It's not over the top, it's a comfortable environment, if things go sour, it's easy enough to leave and you didn't spend all sorts of money on it, and if things go great, you can sit there and chat as long as you'd like.

36 Name: the bear : 2009-03-16 17:22 ID:ZDjs6Cxd

just ask her out fool! the whole experiment thing is gonna fuck you over. at first she probably thought it was cute or something but if you keep bringing it up she might just think youre a total freak. and a creeper too. just ask her out. tell her something like " well to tell you the truth i just thought you were really cute, so when i walked over i came up with a weird excuse and the experiment is the first thing that came to mind .stupid right ? " then she will know you are interested and not just an ordinary stalker

37 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-03-23 15:34 ID:x6X0RxEc

Well guys, I talked to her one more time and after really thinking about it, I think I'm just gonna forget about this. In theory, a shy girl sounds so awesome, its a dream of many guys right? But after sitting there and having her start literally no conversation herself, it was kind of frustrating.

From the very start, I don't think I ever felt any "love" towards her. It was mostly me being lonely on Valentine's day and seeing a girl sitting by herself in the library, that's all. If she does end up going to my college, then maybe that will be fate and I'll get a chance to reconsider, but until then I'm perfectly content waiting for someone else. Don't get me wrong, I may have never been in a relationship before but I've had plenty of chances, I was either too stupid to notice them or they were from people that were absolutely devoid of personality. In any case, I'm done with this shit and that's that. Maybe I should show here this thread and see if it makes her freak out? Haha.

38 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-03-23 15:55 ID:Zedn6odO

>Maybe I should show here this thread and see if it makes her freak out? Haha.

And how would that be helpful? I would find that rude and offensive. We give you input in order to help you, not for you to use our contributions to bash some shy girl.

If you're not motivated anymore that's fine, and it's good to realize that before engaging yourself any further. Just don't damage the girl, she seems already fragile enough as it is.

39 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-03-29 15:16 ID:9SgXbDaS

>>1
easy
"hi, what are you doing in the libary?"
"hi, what book are you reading?"
you just need the guts to talk

oh and hey, dont say the word "baby", if she dont laught at that she might never talk to you again

40 Name: chewbacca : 2009-03-29 16:18 ID:F+Vh6Z4N

i always believe that when there's a cute little shy girl the most appropriate thing to do is to fap, fap, fap in front of her. then the shyness is gone

41 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-04-05 10:01 ID:B2r7ngp5

lmao

42 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-04-08 10:43 ID:fUIzm9x7

Wow OP. I don't see why you need to ask. You seem to solve your own problems. You're smooth, confident, good talker, spontaneous, funny. You're pretty much set. I can see two reasons why she's backing away though.

  1. You're quite shallow and seem to be a playboy.
  2. She just doesn't find you attractive.
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