difficult boyfriend [advise me] (18)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-03-21 00:14 ID:jr1QOxWV

(note, another situation i have been in with this boy is very close to identical of the girl with a thread titled "boyfriend isses [advise me]" me and this boy have had the exact same argument dump situation over weed before, except we took only one day to get back together)

MY PROBLEM
my boyfriend and myself have been together for 4months now and he's great except he's never willing to accept anyone else's opinion or take advice, he believes he is always right, however the one issue that brought me here today is that he NEVER answers his phone or calls me like he PROMISES when he's with a friend.

We promised one another that we would let each other know when were going out with our friends etc. except today he said "don't come over Friday because i need to spend time with my little brothers because i always let them down" and that was okay with me, i understood.
next i know he's with his friend (male) and they're going back to his house "ill call you when i get there"
this same day i had a really important job interview which he didn't ask me about, i reminded him, still he didn't ask and he still hasn't rung me and continues to ignore his phone. it is now after 10 at night, i spoke to him at 4 after the interveiw.

i understand i may sound controlling, however this is an ongoing issue when he's with particular friends and i desperately need a new approach for explaining my feelings when he ignores his phone.

Another recent issue was him smoking weed, which most his friends do, part of the reason he doesn't spend much time with them anymore (school buddies, but were all grown up) though he's promised he won't touch the SHIT (mind my opinions) and when he ignores me and spends time with these particular people i become frantic he's either cheating on me or smoking weed (marijuana).

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-03-21 00:16 ID:jr1QOxWV

(not %100 necessary to read)
this is a repost from the sexuality board because i posted it in the wrong place while i was reading other threads.

and here is the update i posted Saturday (today) when the original (above) was posted Friday night. thanks.

<B>however it is now Saturday and after i sent him a text asking him to answer his phone at 1am he turned it off.
i was meant to be there today but im not going until i speak to him. it is now 11am and still the phone is switched off. </B>

i really just want to kill him right now. i don't understand what is so bad about saying goodnight or having a quick chat.
its part of our general routine, whats so different when he is with certain friends that he has to ignore me completely!

thanks for your responses. basically im so angry im on the verge of dumping him because the only time we fight is over this not answering the phone issue or weed.
and i've given up on the weed.

3 Name: Anonimus : 2009-03-21 00:34 ID:20DcTVht

>>2

guys and girls who smoke weed are bad news. Avoid them at all cost. They'll breed problem in future.

In your case, just dumb the guy already. You knew the answer. Just do it.

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-03-21 03:48 ID:ojcDUT0b

Weed is not the problem. What sort of a person is HE?
Weed does not control his behaviour... he acts wilfully, either well or badly towards you.
Don't put up with idiocy and negligence, abuse.
He is not caring towards you, neglects you, etc.
If you really love him, it may be worth confronting him about this. If he does not improve, then leave him.

5 Name: anonimous : 2009-03-21 06:42 ID:svSHDnsg

>>4

weed is bad. u smoke weed u become bad. nuff said.

6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-03-21 07:08 ID:8zCEx9L1

>>2 Acutally, I think you are being quite pushy. He does not seem to like having you calling him when he's with friends, and I think you should respect that. Like I mentioned in /sex/, I think you should find ways of communicating with him which respect both of your preferences.

Another problem is that you are mixing quite a lot of issues, which does not help things. You said in /sex/ that you'll quit about the weed issue, which I think is a good idea (short of ditching him), because you can't win that one. On the other hand about his arrogance, I think it's also up to you to avoid being crushed by him, and make him respect you as an adult. Just don't treat him as a child and expect him to behave in a mature way.

Finally you seem to be afraid of him cheating on you. That's a problem, of course, because if you get the habit of checking on him for that reason, you'll quickly turn into a bother. A relationship is a question of trust. Either you trust him and all is fine, or you don't. You can then think about it, and see if there is something real in his behavior that stresses you, and if that can be addressed. But if the only solution to this problem you have is to constantly check on him, your relationship will quickly falter.

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-03-21 08:16 ID:hZVj8mLm

>>5
No.
And this isn't the point of the thread.

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-03-21 14:37 ID:Heaven

>>4

> Weed does not control his behaviour...

As a drug that affects personality and mood when taken... I'd say it clearly does.

>>1
Dump his sorry ass.

9 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-03-21 14:55 ID:dRVGhG63

The more you try to leash a man, the more of an animal he will become.

How much breathing room do you give each other?

10 Name: op : 2009-03-22 06:27 ID:jr1QOxWV

Okay so i finally got through to him at about 1 on the Saturday; after i rang his home phone and forced his dad to make him talk to me.

basically he claimed that he was busy with his friend and didn't want to talk, so i told him he was being an arse and went to his house to discuss things properly.

i explained to him that i was disappointed he forgot about my important job interview (which i reminded him about when i left for it) and i also explained why i hate when he ignores his phone and how it affects my trust for him negatively.
He just accepted but 'cracked the sads' when i refused to talk to him.

were okay now, though my trust with him needs to be rebuilt after the issues we have faced in the last month (ironically since he got retrenched)

it's my birthday in 2 days but im having a party/gathering for my close friends on the weekend, so after i see how he interacts with all my friends i am going to make a decision weather i should stay with him or not.
he hasn't met my friends before because they're all living at university, but because of my birthday they're all coming down. I'll be interested to see.

there's something not right when it's not just me and him one on one.
using me for sex perhaps? how could i tell if he was?

Thank you everyone and you're mostly all right about the weed issue GARR (hate)

11 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-03-22 09:40 ID:hCj9k193

>>10 Girl, you really are a pushy one. ^_^ I'm not sure what will you be able to conclude by watching him interact with your friends. If he's kind of shy, will you dump him? And if he's very sociable, does that mean that he's not exploiting you? Also, many people behave differently when they are alone with their girlfriend, and when they are among their friends. This can or cannot be a problem. But if he's despicable to you in society, that's not good.

In regards to using you only for sex, that's pretty easy to figure it out: does he enjoy spending (non-sex) time with you? Do you go out together? Do you enjoy talking to one another? Or is most of your time together spent cuddling and having sex? Another point to consider is if he has made significant efforts related to you (organized a trip, arranged something for you, modified his routine or plans because of you, etc). Although people can do a lot for sex, so that's a less reliable indicator ^_^

12 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-03-22 15:19 ID:dzdF0oYd

Not everyone likes talking on the phone.

And you need to learn how to play hard to get. If he doesn't answer his phone, try not answering yours next time he calls. Take it easy, being clingy will scare him away.

13 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-03-22 17:13 ID:Heaven

>>10

>>using me for sex perhaps? how could i tell if he was?

You can tell by the following signs:

  1. He fucks you.
  2. He ignores/treats you bad the rest of the time

14 Name: op : 2009-03-26 07:34 ID:jr1QOxWV

OP here.
okay so I've taken in all of what every one has to say and basically it is my birthday thing this weekend and he hasn't met any of my friends who are mostly excelling in their educations and most of them are at university; this night will be the big test.
i spoke to my mom about all these things and she agrees that this night should be the big tester on him.
if he can't socialize with people who are better than him (future wise) i can't be with him, especially consiering they're my friends and i already can't stand his (because i can't trust him when he's with them).

Thank You everyone and i shall keep you updated.

Anymore advice would still be great, i can never know enough.

15 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-03-26 09:57 ID:hCj9k193

>>14 I'm curious to hear your post-birthday report ^_^

16 Name: op : 2009-03-29 09:01 ID:jr1QOxWV

i dumped him. he didnt show at my birthday and ignored his phone the entire day. i only got a hold of him sunday night.

17 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-03-29 09:16 ID:zTOzdzIk

yeah, I'm just surprised you persevered this far with a lost cause like that.

18 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-03-29 15:27 ID:55EVJzSg

>>16
nothing to say
good luck with a new guy

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