Well, I met this girl a while ago and she was one of the sweetest, most beautiful, and most intelligent girls I've met in a long time. We never really talked much, she would just stop by my university apartment to talk to friends she had there. But now, I'm taking a course with her and she asked me to help her with the assignments. We seem to get on nicely and she's said that she's been thinking of me since then. That and she compliments by intelligence quite a bit.
How can I, without being direct, coax out of her if she likes me or not? I'm not sure how to approach the subject without being found out. Plus, I don't want to creep her out or anything. So, suggestions would be great!
As an additional bonus, how can I return compliments to her without looking like I want to date her, just in case?
You don't have to return compliments, that's hypocrisy. You don't have to pretend that you don't want to date her if you do, because that's hypocrisy. She told you she thinks of you, so she clearly likes you.
Still, maybe she was just interested in me not interested in being with me. That seems to happen a lot. I get treated like a novelty without a fucking shred of actual affection.
But, just out of curiosity, why is returning compliments hypocrisy? I don't get it. But I do understand about not dating her though I want to being hypocrisy.
But another problem is I'm going to be moving away after my senior year... which is next year. If I get involved, I don't want to break her heart when I leave. What the hell to do!?Oh man!
"Don't cling to life, survive by risking it!"
> Still, maybe she was just interested in me not interested in being with me. That seems to happen a lot.
No, that never happens, it's only how you interpret others, but actually you're just wasting your chances. Relationships are only as complicated as we make them.
> But, just out of curiosity, why is returning compliments hypocrisy? I don't get it.
Because you feel like you have to "return" something because she complimented you. If a compliment isn't genuine, it worsens a situation. Rule of thumb is to be yourself and that means to express your feelings the moment you feel them, which requires knowledge of thyself.
> But another problem is I'm going to be moving away after my senior year... which is next year. If I get involved, I don't want to break her heart when I leave. What the hell to do!?Oh man!
That is not a problem. Why do you assume she wants to be with you for a year? You're "breaking her heart" much more by being an idiot and wasting your time while you could be with her right now.
Stop valuing individuals so much, and start valuing relationships more. She said she thinks of you, you like her, do your thing and don't worry about the results, worst case she'll tell you that she doesn't want to do anything with you, so fucking what?
Well, ok, to clear things up, I don't feel I have to but I don't really know what types of things are ok to compliment on. I mean, there are plenty of things that I would like to compliment her on but just don't really know how. I know you can't say something like, "Wow, your tits look might perky today," but I don't know exactly how to go about complimenting a girl. For instance, is it better to compliment her clothes or say that her hair looks really nice etc?
I really have no experience with women! Haha! Oh I'm such a fucking loser!
Well, ok, to clear things up, I don't feel I have to but I don't really know what types of things are ok to compliment on. I mean, there are plenty of things that I would like to compliment her on but just don't really know how. I know you can't say something like, "Wow, your tits look might perky today," but I don't know exactly how to go about complimenting a girl. For instance, is it better to compliment her clothes or say that her hair looks really nice etc?
I really have no experience with women! Haha! Oh I'm such a fucking loser!
>>7
Well, women appreciate it when you note changes they took. For instance, if she changes her hair and you tell her about it, she'll appreciate that you noted it, even if you don't compliment her.
"Hey, did you change your hair?"
Ask her that with a smile and she'll sure find it nice of you (or creepy, if the execution is poor) You don't even have to tell her that it's nice - though you could - but the smile is enough to show that you like them [and her].
Showing interest is more important than compliments.
>Showing interest is more important than compliments.
This is key. Listen to what she says, ask questions about her, learn about her. Do things based on what she likes, on what she says.
If you show her that you care about what she is, what she wants, what she things, you can't go wrong.
In matters of love it's all about carpe diem. Don't overthink, just spend good time with her. Only in this way can you make good choices during decision times.
Wow, really good advice. I'll definitely use the, "ask questions with a smile," thing. It's nice and noncommittal. She can interpret it as an off-handed compliment if she wants or just as a friendly question. Very helpful.
Well, I'll be seeing her in a few days so I'll see how I can work this in.
I shall be updating.
Thanks everyone so far.
Good luck :3
>>2
You're mixing up the word, "hypocrisy" with "fake/dishonesty".
>>2
You're wrong. If he were dishonest, he wouldn't compliment her because he felt he had to; he'd compliment her for some other reason, for example to get laid; in that case, he'd be dishonest.
I think the word everyone is looking for is insincere. It isn't about deceiving her nor is it being a hypocrite in that I feel I have to compliment her though I don't want to. So insincerity is what you may be thinking.
Also, I'm still wondering how I'll do this. I hope I can get some more concrete understanding of what she thinks of me. Meh, this is all very frightening since I really like her and it would be just my luck that she feels nothing for me. That's probably the most likely outcome. Maybe I'll be surprised... but I doubt it! Maybe those off-handed compliments will work in my favor.
>>13
Oh okay, that's what I thought you meant. Because you're using the word hypocrisy wrong. It doesn't make sense the way you're using it. But I agree in that OP shouldn't shower the girl in compliments just for the sake of it.
And yes..insincerity would probably be a better word than dishonest/fake.
Anyway. I also agree with the whole asking questions thing. It's subtle, and most girls like to have someone listen to their interests.
For the record OP, even though you're taking the "safe" option, I think you're going about this the right way. You're smart, and grounded. You're well aware that the girl might not be interested in you, and so you're protecting yourself, but you're also making progress without scaring her off. I think more guys on this board should learn from you.
>>16
You're right, it's not hypocrisy.
If you try too hard to seem as if you don't want to date her she'll believe it, and you'll get friend-zoned.
OP here! Yay! One small step for me! I did finally compliment her and it went wonderfully. She didn't cringe in horror that I dared to compliment her and she even started telling me about the blouse I complimented her on and the funny/cute story behind it! Yay! So, now I wonder if a compliment each time we meet is a good idea. Or is that too much.
I still wonder if there's some way to find out about if she has any feeling for me. Well, one step at a time. Can't wait to see her again. Thanks for everyone's advice so far!
don't over do it.. it will lose its impact and she may think that you're lying or saying it without even meaning it. being tagged as a liar is what you do not want. anyway, whenever you compliment just be very honest with facial expression for added impact.
>>20 I think I can handle that. But one compliment per meeting isn't too much, is it? I'm not going to compliment her every fifteen minutes but one good compliment should be alright I think.
She's so unreadable though. I can't tell if she's just really friendly or if there's a genuine attraction. Hmmm, well, I guess just keep complimenting and see where that leads, if anywhere.
But it's great because we do share a lot of interests. We can talk about so much and stuff. It's so great to just be around her! I find myself constantly looking forward to the next time we meet.
I should probably brace for let-down...
> I think I can handle that. But one compliment per meeting isn't too much, is it? I'm not going to compliment her every fifteen minutes but one good compliment should be alright I think.
No, it is not fine. Do I have to repeat my advice of "DO NOT COMPLIMENT"?
> She's so unreadable though. I can't tell if she's just really friendly or if there's a genuine attraction. Hmmm, well, I guess just keep complimenting and see where that leads, if anywhere.
She's nothing, you're subjective. Stop being subjective and be objective, stop thinking of what she is or how she thinks, and start thinking of what you want to do with her.
You're saying that she's unreadable but I've already read her, she wants to do something with you, and you're only slowing things down.
> But it's great because we do share a lot of interests. We can talk about so much and stuff. It's so great to just be around her! I find myself constantly looking forward to the next time we meet.
A relationship has nothing to do with common interests. The only common interest that is required is interest in each other, for a healthy relationship. It seems she likes you, and you know you like her. Verify that she also likes you, and enjoy each other? Isn't that what you ultimately want to do, with few, simple words? (enjoy does not take the sexual meaning, but it includes the act, though it is not necessary)
Am I confusing you and you don't know what to do? It's simple, tell her that you like her. Forget about compliments, go, find her, tell her that you like her and ask her if she likes you. If you can't think of anything, here's an example
"Hey X, how are you? What do you think of me? Because I really like you and I'm not sure how you feel about me"
This is according to the goals we agreed previously that describe best your situation. If you see her smiling or anything like that, you could kiss her. Don't necessarily make it a plain kiss, put your hand on one of her chicks, or behind the head inside her hair, or touch her ear. You're allowed to do something freaky, and as long as she finds it nice it's guaranteed to be a bonus. Don't grab her tits or ass, because I've figured as much that she's not that kind of girl (not that you're that kind of man, but whatever)
If she says that she also likes you, don't fucking wait, kiss her.
If she says no, well, there's not much you can do but accept this. You can't always win as they say. IMHO you should also stop being a friend of hers, unless you think your friendship is that much fruitful.
I wouldn't normally pick people up on this, especially on the internet, but I find it incredibly ironic that you're telling OP to act objectively in his pursuit of love. Objectively?
Regarding compliments. Whilst you may feel compelled to compliment everything about her; from her perfect jaw line right down to her little toe, a guy has to hold back sometimes. It adds little more mystery, and a little less despo. Instead, listen to her, ask her questions, and do little chivalrous things like; holding the door open for her, carrying her heavy things etc. Also, try to read her body language. Does she lean into you a lot? Play with her hair? "Accidently" brush against you/put her hand on you?
OP here. Well, it's been a few months and we're still in contact with each other. We write every so often and bump into each other here and there. Still don't know if she likes me though she's still giving me compliments. I'm going to ask her out though. Even if it's not technically a "date" just a meeting. Maybe that would help figure things out since we'll be in a relaxed situation.