Did you ever have a relationship purely for sex? (21)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-01 18:00 ID:wxrhnQ6O

Hey romance,
I'm quite curious if some of you ever had a "friends with benefits" or a sex only relatiponship, or something in between.

How did it come to be like that and how did you feel?

There's someone I feel attracted to and like. Since he's not interested in a real relationship he hinted at what he wanted. But I dunno, guys, really. Honestly, I'm a virgin and kinda frightened of this kind of suggestion.

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-01 18:07 ID:1qi0JcJ2

Male here: never had a relationship purely for sex. I don't say I'm part of the majority, it just happens to be my case. People do have fuck buddies, and I don't see anything wrong with that. But for me, it's out of the question.

>There's someone I feel attracted to and like. Since he's not interested in a real relationship he hinted at what he wanted.

Seems to me that this is going to be painful to you. After having sex with him, you are certain to be even more attracted to him, whereas the opposite is more uncertain. If both of you were only interested in sex, it would be a different matter, even though often problems do arise, if sex becomes regular.

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-01 18:09 ID:CKk+R+p2

Well, the only thing you'll get from him will be sex. So, it will very ackward for you, and shallow... So, no. Refrain from it.

I've had that kind of relationships with college partners. It's good if you are actually only looking for sex. Otherwise it just sucks.

Honestly, i'm not sure of how I got there. I was kind of handsome when i was in my twenties, so i was akways the one asked for it.

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-02 02:01 ID:edPI4EOv

I've had a couple of those type of relationships. Don't get too attached or you'll end up hurt.

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-03 02:35 ID:YZecqrKp

op already seems to be hurt a bit..
dont do it just for sex speshully as being virgin and all..

6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-03 03:50 ID:amiptEKg

I wouldn't do it.
If you're nervous at all about it, in my opinion it's not at all worth losing your virginity over.
If he doesn't want a relationship I think you should move on and find someone who does since that seems to be what you're after.

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-03 21:37 ID:Yvt9STPu

If you're a virgin, DON'T DO IT.

Once you've had a substantial relationship and lost it to someone you love, knock yourself out. I've had way more fuckbuddies than actual girlfriends/boyfriends, and being a young and free 22 year-old guy, I'm quite fine with that.

...Except on some nights... sometimes it does hurt to pull up your pants, kiss your friend goodbye, walk out of her house... and despite it all still feel painfully alone. =( Don't lose you're virginity in that kinda situation, it'll hurt worse.

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-09 08:09 ID:G4KGA2cr

why do you people put virginity on a pedestal. it is easily the most insignificant thing ever. whats the difference between the first time having sex and the second. and before you compare this to a women who can suck over 9000 cocks with every std know to man. if you are responsible it isn't even an issue how many people have boned you, imo. not to mention you can get just about all the stds though intercourse as you can with oral (there by preserving the ever important virginity). don't get in a relationship if they aren't returning the feelings you have for them.

9 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-09 10:44 ID:iDZBwNbP

>>8 you are not alone in finding this virginity issue ridiculous. To me, it's much better to be responsible and informed than to completely shut out one's sexuality and thus remain ignorant and immature on a crucial point of couple relationships.

But hey, if it's for religious reasons, whatever. It's not my problem, and as far as I know virgins are only dangerous to themselves, not to other people. There are worse conditions in life.

10 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-09 11:55 ID:QsdAp9cF

I had a brief FWB interlude before I met my current gf of 2 years, was an interesting experience. I must say it's a good opportunity, if you're of the right mindset, to work on your sexual skills, knowledge and prowess and have it be judged purely on the basis of merit.

And at the end of the day, if you fulfill your needs for love and belonging elsewhere, it's a good way to pick up the sex. If you try to make FWB'ing into the be-all and end-all of your personal relationships then you're shooting your emotional well-being in the foot. My 2 cents.

>>8 I agree with you -- virginity is not that big a deal... though sometimes I can see why people would get into the serious relationship of their lives and regret having lost it to someone else. But then you think how awkward it could have been being virgin with the girl/guy of your dreams that first night and not knowing what to do like when you were in high school... and yeaah.... nah.

tl;dr virginity is overrated, FWB is good provided you don't try to make it into something it's not

11 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-10 07:27 ID:m+0fpXE5

>>10

>> 1

I don't think virginity is overrated. Studies have shown that females bond with the first man they do it with. Know that saying, you never forget your first. And I'm pretty sure the first time feels different than the rest. For women anyway, the hymen breaks, they feel pain, they bleed. I rather go through that..pain with someone who loves me/supports me than someone who's just going to use me in the end.

12 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-10 10:37 ID:iDZBwNbP

>>11 No one says that you should not care about having sex with a man that you trust and love. But that does not mean that you have to wait to marry him for that. There's a much more sensible middle ground between both extremes. I don't care about virginity, but I do think that you should have sex with people with whom you share feelings. Not just the first time, but all the others too (although I have nothing against the notion of fuck buddies, at least as far as others are concerned).

As for the first time, I must disagree with you on two point: 1) I was the first man of my wife, but she does not remember at all the first time we had sex. Maybe if we had only done it once, she would have remembered it better, but since we did it several times in a few days, it just became a blur in her memory. 2) not everyone bleeds on her first time, although I agree that everyone may go through some pain the first time(s).

13 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-11 17:24 ID:pZPIOmNv

Yes I have.

It left me feeling very empty and shallow.

I'd say bide your time, wait, make sure you've met the right girl(without trying to chase some idealized fantasy of one), and let nature take its course.

People are people. If someone is decent, honest, hardworking, and not a jerk...then give it time.

People always talk about the stupid ass friend zone. That's bull. I say that I'd sooner be a girl's friend first and anything else second. Passion consumes.....

Being someone's friend doesn't mean being their stepping stone, their slave, or their emotional tampon.

Being someone's friend is being someone who can be counted upon when times or tough or even better, when they aren't.

I speak from years....and years....and YEARS of hard won, painful experience.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to and trust me, sex is way overrated.

You want someone you can live WITH, not someone you can't live without.

14 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-11 18:14 ID:iDZBwNbP

>>13 I mostly agree with you, specially on the friends issue.

Now on the importance of sex... I'm less certain. You can live without sex, but I'm not sure you can maintain an healthy relationship without some healthy sex to go with it, unless both partners really are or have become assexual. Otherwise someone or both will get frustrated.

As for sex for the pure enjoyment of it, I'm even less certain, unless it's opportunistic: you meet someone at a party or a bar, feel like it, it's reciprocal, why not? I'm much less certain that regular sex with someone without feelings would work out. Like you say, feelings of emptiness and loneliness would overpower any benefits of sex. It's well known (but I myself have no experience with it) that clients of prostitutes often want a chat and a bit of human warmth at least as much as sex.

15 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-12 04:00 ID:sIwjybMr

>>14

I believe you missed where I said "let nature take its course".

People, I find, are much too quick to jump to the sex aspect of a relationship. Especially males.

How about taking time to get to know someone first before you go and place that much emotional investment in them?

I'm not saying sex is bad or should be avoided. I'm saying purely sexual relationships aren't relationships and are not healthy.

When I say sex is overrated, I'm saying just that. It is overrated. Overrated and overvalued. Nowhere am I saying it is "bad".

I'm saying people don't take their time and rush too quick into things. If a girl isn't willing to wait until you at least know a little bit about her or or you aren't willing to do the same then it will not work.

I mean....life isn't some video game where someone is keeping score about how many women you bed, how many men you kill, or how much money you have.

It's all rather obscene.

You know.....Pet Shop Boys has a new song called "Love Etc." that I think just nails it.

It pretty spells it all out for you.

16 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-12 15:00 ID:iDZBwNbP

>People, I find, are much too quick to jump to the sex aspect of a relationship. Especially males.

Dang! I have been spotted as a male. But honestly, I think most females would also be quite upset with an unsatisfactory sex life, don't you think? Actually, it may even be the case that in the long run women are more in that game than men, but I can't confirm that. I have heard that women's libido increases once they reach their thirties, but that may also be an urban legend...

>How about taking time to get to know someone first before you go and place that much emotional investment in them?

Well, for me sex is also part of the discovery process. Of course you can't know someone just by having sex with, but you do get to learn some aspects of this person. At least, in my experience I got to discover intimate aspects of my partner that I would not have perhaps noticed otherwise, or much later. Maybe part of the difference in our views is that you seem to criticize sex as a goal, whereas I see it as a process (among others) within a relationship.

>purely sexual relationships aren't relationships and are not healthy.

100% agreed

>I say sex is [...] overrated and overvalued. Nowhere am I saying it is "bad".

This is probably where we disagree. I understand that for different people the level of importance of sex will vary, but in my view, and in my experience, sex does have a lot of importance within the context of a relationship, so far that it can make or break it, unfortunately. (of course, there are many ways of breaking a relationship, those involving sex being only part of them). I believe sex is one of the essential components of an healthy relationship, and I think you disagree with that.

>I'm saying people don't take their time and rush too quick into things. If a girl isn't willing to wait until you at least know a little bit about her or or you aren't willing to do the same then it will not work.

If the girl does not want to have sex, then there will be no sex. I can see no other way of proceeding within an healthy relationship. However, if our views on sex are too distant, and for instance she insists on waiting excessively, then I will discontinue the relationship. It's not that I view her opinions as bad, but simply that they do not correspond to mine.

Now if she suffers from difficulties or anxieties, then it's a totally different thing, and I can be a lot more patient. For instance in the case of my current partner, she was virgin and was pretty anxious about the whole concept of penetration. So much that although we started having sex within the first or second week of going out, it took us ONE YEAR to finally be able to do it naturally. For me it was not a problem to be patient during that time, because I knew she was doing her best, and I needed to respect her pace. But I would not have waited one year without sex. (As an aside, I can't understand the fascination with virgins... If I ever get again a virgin as a new partner, I'm going to cry...)

>life isn't some video game where someone is keeping score about how many women you bed, how many men you kill, or how much money you have.

This depends on each person's personality (male or female). I prefer stable relationships, so having many "hits" is for me a failure, since it means the relationships were short-lived. In terms of numbers, my score is abysmal, but in terms of relationship quality and duration, I could hardly be more happy with myself. Of course, for someone who needs to bed a new partner every week, that would be meaningless.

>It's all rather obscene.

More a question of tastes and values. I don't think valuing stability over numbers is inherently superior. I think you just need to find people with compatible values and views.

>Pet Shop Boys has a new song called "Love Etc." that I think just nails it.

Hey, they don't seem to have anything against sex ^_^). And I do think they should have added sex to love, in terms of important fundamentals, instead of conceding on the importance of beauty.

17 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-12 21:23 ID:nK6iEZ92

>>16

You're probably going to be very disappointed with some of these outlooks you have.

But hey, I'm just that guy saying "look out, cuz I been there".

That guy's always ignored upon first contact...and then...later, everyone's all "DAMMIT! I shoulda listened to that guy"

18 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-12 22:42 ID:Hj3DlH/b

>You're probably going to be very disappointed with some of these outlooks you have.

That's possible,... But you know, I'm married, have a kid, have been with my wife for more than ten years, and still am very satisfied with the relationship we have, so it's not like I'm without experience.

On the other hand I'm used to seeing long term relationships failing, and often one of the sources of frustration is on the sexual side. It's never the only reason (because things are always more complicated than that), but when this frustration is present (be it cause or consequence), it's not a good omen for the future.

But like I said, there are many different people, and probably both of our experiences just illustrate different walks of like. The most important I find is to know what works for you, and what does not. For me, I find important that I go out with a woman that has a cheerful and demystified approach to sex, but your priorities may differ.

19 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-12 23:34 ID:nK6iEZ92

>>18

It's a matter of self control.

I've been in a "relationship" before where it was very sexual and was quite unfulfilling.

I've been in a relationship where we were practically living as husband and wife(albeit both very young) and while sex was not uncommon, it certainly wasn't everyday.

She was a young girl...and a student. I was a few years older and working as a "social worker" in Germany. I maintain she was one of the few girls I think I've ever loved, but I was kinda the guy that ended it by going off and following some foolish venture. Time passed, she moved on and I moved elsewhere. She was young and demure and had a nice wild side. Something I'll never recapture. I'll never be that young again.....and of all the things I remember most. Sex wasn't one of them.

It was more knowing somebody understood me, and not only understood me, but accepted me without wanting me to change.

I'll take that over anything anyday. Man....of all the things I've done in life.....Sex isn't even in the top ten.

And I wish I could say it was because I had such good morals or because I was a prude...but really it's because it just wasn't that important.

There's fucking, screwing, shagging, and "making love".

And....."making love" is not the same as having love. That's what confounds most people.

20 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-13 08:54 ID:iDZBwNbP

>I've been in a "relationship" before where it was very sexual and was quite unfulfilling.

This can often happen. Actually I bet you stayed a bit longer "because" sex was kind of working, and if you didn't have that glue, it would have been finished earlier. Sex provides support for a relationship, but cannot be the only thing bonding the couple.

>sex was not uncommon, it certainly wasn't everyday.

I think you don't need to have sex everyday, for it to be fulfilling. It does not even need to always be memorable. It should simply be a treat that you regularly exchange with your partner. A regular "happiness" shot.

>she was one of the few girls I think I've ever loved[...] Something I'll never recapture[...]and of all the things I remember most. Sex wasn't one of them[...]of all the things I've done in life.....Sex isn't even in the top ten.

I guess this is where we are kind of misunderstanding each other. If you had to rate the 10 best thing in your life, I guess drinking water would miss the top list, but you won't go very far without it. I'm not saying that sex should be your main purpose in life, but that it's an important component of a relationship, which itself is often the most interesting and important element for your life. Just like helping with the house chores is not part of your top activities, but is instrumental in maintaining a good relationship.

As for the "Something I'll never recapture. I'll never be that young again...", I have the impression you are being a bit over dramatic. Would it really be so good to have the same thing happening to you again, probably with the same bad outcome? You'll never be the same, and that's probably a good thing. Nothing prevents you from meeting someone interesting today, apart from yourself closing up to such a possibility.

>"making love" is not the same as having love. That's what confounds most people.

I thought this was mostly an issue with women, and that men can very well distinguish both...

21 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-22 00:17 ID:JvGRtYul

>>20

I take exception to this...

>I have the impression you are being a bit over dramatic

When I said this

>"Something I'll never recapture. I'll never be that young again..."

Because my statement should be read not so much in the literary tone as a sigh or wistful nostalgia.

But rather..

Cold....monotone...and emphatic.

The bad outcome was entirely my fault. I won't say I was selfish so much as needing to feel alive. For that I needed to work abroad...away from Germany. Quit my job as a "Social Worker" went to another country...did that. That was the result.

Had I kept my job....who knows...I maybe have four stars on my rankboard, made haupmeister or komissar. Lord knows I'd have the time by now. Married, kids, house. Maybe....

But I didn't. Like I said, nothing on her part. All mine. All me.

It's not dramatic because....it's true. I'll never recapture that and I'll never be that young again.

I was more naive, and so much of the world was still yet new to me. All younger people like to think they have everything figured out. The older I get the less I think I know.

Jaded probably and world weary. I can always find another young girl, yes. But not like that. Time is different. Atmosphere is different. Society is different. While I'm not old by any means... I'm not the same smooth skinned, skinny younger guy I was. I'm scarred, marked, sun-beaten by working in sandy places, and ...I'm just not a boy anymore. To me anyone just barely into their 20s is a boy. Not ugly or wrinkly...I still look sorta the same. Nothing is new anymore.

Nothing. At least to me.

It's like heroin. Enjoy your first ride on the needle, because everyone after that won't be the same. Oh I can and do have relationships...kinda....but they tend to be more reserved, casual, and on my own terms. Not inherently sexual or rather even "just friends". More like take it, leave it, just whenever.

Really I'm highly critical of any relationship "just for sex". Sex is overrated. Everything is. It's all I hear on TV, all I hear on the radio, all I hear coming out of younger and older people's mouths. Sex sex sex.

And...

well...

All the girls worth having aren't worth fucking.
All the girls worth fucking aren't worth having.

Madonna/Whore complex. That's me I suppose.

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