Turning 18 next month, feeling inferior because: (10)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-13 09:31 ID:6x0MYv9h

Most of my peers are telling me about their social lives and significant others.

Well, I guess I sorta have an O.K. social life, I have a few friends I hang out with maybe every other month in person and they're good to me.

But I've never once had a girlfriend.
I guess I never get close to girls, I'm really more of an introvert and I couldn't imagine being all flirty and stuff. But it seems that everyone around me is managing that and having a grand old time, but the socializing and stuff isn't my favorite thing to do, and that being the case, no girls have ever shown interest in me. Is it just going to take more time than everybody else, or is there something I have to change about myself? It's really starting to bother me, and I am not sure how to approach this problem. Is it O.K. that this is bothering me? Is this normal? Bad or good? Am I looking at this all wrong? I'd like to hear from you guys.

I'm going to college soon after my birthday. People I confide in tell me that college is a great place to meet people. I suppose this is sort of what's keeping my hope alive for now.

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-13 14:45 ID:PpwXs/aO

If you're not into socializing, then forcing yourself to do it just to get a girlfriend is not going to work.

Your best option is to identify your centers of interest, and turn them into activities that you can share with other people, girls included.

You do seem to hang out with some friends, so there's a form of socialization you find acceptable (why does that one work and not the other?). If they have girlfriends, their girlfriends probably also have other girl friends. Get introduced to them, perhaps in the occasions that you do socialize with your friends.

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-13 15:45 ID:s1eBaJ3/

>>2

Agreed. Use your interest to benefit you. Meet people who like doing what you doing. Develop friendships and bonds with them. A girlfriend will come soon enough.

Just getting a girlfriend will not save your social problems. Even in the strongest relationship, every now and then you just need time apart (boy/girls night out). Thus focus on working on yourself and everything else will fall into place.

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-13 18:06 ID:PN/+FE8O

Supposedly, within the first year of college is when you grow the most as an adult (this is how it was for me and most of my friends anyway).
A lot of things change. For the majority, it's the first time kids get out on their own. Because of this, you'll be forced to meet new people because you're bound to need someone's help with something at some point. From then on, you'll make new friends, especially because everyone is just as scared and lonely as you are. Chances are, finding a girl will come in time. I wouldn't worry about it.

5 Name: don't know : 2009-07-14 00:47 ID:6x0MYv9h

OP here.

I guess I'll just prepare myself for college mentally, then. I didn't want to give the impression that I'm desperate or anything like that; I'd like to have a relationship, and I'm a little bummed because I haven't had one, sure. But I don't want to use a girlfriend as a crutch, or as a cure-all to my problems, and I don't want to rush into something and regret it later. Because, a healthy relationship is really a two-way emotional support thing, right?

It's just weird and a little confusing. Seeing a bunch of kids much younger than me, already getting into serious relationships and doing what I had previously thought what adults would be doing. I don't know how to gauge myself, and I'm unsure of what is 'right' and 'wrong' for relationships anymore. Since I've seen more of what people do, I've had to re-think everything, and it's taking a bit of getting used to. I used to think that just bumping and dumping left and right was bad, but it seems like that's what most people do. What should I be thinking?

Also, is there any possibility of meeting people on the internet? Or does that just not work? I've been brainstorming for ways I can turn my interests into social things; I am really uninterested in conventions and stuff like that, too many people. Can love bloom at a cybercafe?

Tell me what you think.

6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-14 05:27 ID:cLn6c4J0

It seems you are a late(r) bloomer. Nothing wrong with that, before it was not the time for you, now you find it important, so you'll get there.

You can find people via the internet, but the internet only gives you that: the chance to meet people. It does not tell you how to turn those meetings into meaningful relationships. You should really learn to socialize at your university, so that you can profit better from the meetings you have, via the internet or the university, clubs, etc.

I think your priority should really be to try to find for yourself the ways in which you take pleasure in socializing with people. You seem to know quite a few things that don't work for you, concentrate in finding what works for you. Because let me tell you, someone who only wants to stay alone is often boring for a potential partner. It's not up to your partner to find ways of getting you out of your shell. It's up to you to do that, and then find a partner who shares your interests and participates in the kind of stuff that you're into.

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-14 05:57 ID:/R+2FSdm

Life isn't like the movies: not everyone hooks up, has a bf or gf, gets drunk 24/7, etc.
In college, (hopefully) no one from your high school days will be there. You can simply reinvent yourself, newly found confidence and all!

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-16 05:55 ID:W6xDJ3BL

I used to be worried about myself, because unlike other people, I rarely hung out with friends. I hoped that college would change that, but it did not. I finally realized that I can still be perfectly happy without hanging out with friends often. I learned that if I just take it easy and try to be friendly and attentive to everybody I meet, then that's enough for me. I try to really listen to what they say and ask them questions, and try to always say yes if somebody invites me to something.

The result is, I am still a loner in that I do not actively hang out with friends, but now I also have many friends, people with whom I connect now and then. I don't attend parties or seek out people to befriend, I just relax and keep an eye out for opportunities. I agree very much with >>6. You just need to figure out what works for you. And don't forget, how you view your life is more important than how your life actually is.

9 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-16 13:37 ID:E7ZWQ+TX

>>5

I met my girl through internet (though overseas) and having travelled and met up, we get along great.

I still believe I'd have had no chance finding the same in real life. Socialising; no thank you.

10 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-07-19 12:10 ID:u5iW4yky

...find a nice older woman to show you the ways of the world... ;)

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