[choices] Different auspices? [guilt] (10)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-08-11 01:24 ID:HB32vGry

Hey /love/. I have a problem. At first it would probably have pertained to /sexuality/, but confusion emerged so here I am.

So here's the backstory part. Explains some things, but those who are focused more on acts than reasons can skip. I used to be a very nice guy, in the good and bad meanings of the term. Over the years I evolved quite a bit, let's say I realigned. Now my principal values in life still are friendship and loyalty - to me betrayal is one of the worst things to happen; but I've learned to go with the flow, I've learn to take stances and act when I used to be more passive and observant. I used to be quite the idealist, too. After a near-hit-but-miss relationship with a girl that wasn't that far from my feminine ideal (in what I expected, but also in the way she surprised me), I got quite tackled back in this. I stopped hoping, I stopped waiting, I became quite jaded.

Then there is this girl, a very good friend of a very good friend of mine, so obviously I was bound to meet her sooner or later. I saw her a few years ago, and we spent an evening together along with other friends. We had fun, she is really, how to say - rock'n'roll. But I wasn't that attracted to her. She's not bad looking, but there was no "special reaction" I had felt before with other girls. And she has a great personality, but not what I expect in a girlfriend either.

End backstory. She is now fiancee'd. A few days ago I saw her again. We had great fun for a few days of parties, and on the last day, something happened between us. Even though we were quite drunk (and me even more so), it was very passionate, and most important, it happened more naturally than it has ever happened to me. I tried to stop at a point before we got started, I don't remember what she said but something along the line "it's okay". And it felt too natural for me to rationalize more.

I feel like a jerk now. I don't feel any guilt from the act itself, but rather from the fact that I don't feel guilt from the act itself. I mean, I knew I had changed over the years, but have I gone that far? Well, that's one of the problems.

The other problems is that... she didn't seem happy at all to go back to him. And from the few mails we've exchanged since then, I'm afraid she's really attached to me. I'm also afraid that I start to like her more - like while she might not be what I wanted all along, she might be what I needed. But I don't want to meddle in the relationship she has. It wouldn't be fair, and even if it worked, how could I trust her afterwards if she leaves him for me? And given I'm not sure it would be really serious anyway, it wouldn't be fair for her to leave her fiance for me. I'm taking a long shot here, I know.

The thing is I could ignore all of this if she wasn't the one to imply whenever we talk that there's something and she wishes things were different. I've been in love before, and I don't even know if I could relate these feelings to this, but this seems how to say... so much more real. And so, I'm more confused than ever. Should I really tell her to step back? Should I even tell her that... I'm not indifferent? Damn, I seem unable to think straight, and that happens rarely to me... Any input?

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-08-11 09:09 ID:5jBgHOzN

I think what you displayed is what would be called "traits of the alpha male". I personally don't believe wholly in that alpha male crap. On the other hand, she could feel a thrill from cheating on her fiance, which indicates that you should probably keep an eye out for her if you do get into a relationship.

Oh yeah you shouldn't be 100% following any advice on these boards, but rather keeping them somewhere in your mind.

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-08-11 09:11 ID:5jBgHOzN

You should probably just keep her around as a good friend with sexual benefits, its probably not that bad if you're both mutually enjoying the exchange of words and... well you know.

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-08-11 14:40 ID:HB32vGry

>>2
I know that any advice should be taken with a grain of salt... I don't know if it's only because she felt a thrill from cheating with her fiance, because as my friend say the first time I saw him she seemed to like me a lot already. That was two years ago, and she wasn't engaged, so... And yeah, one of the thing that bothers me is that if we get together I'll have issues trusting her. And I already have trust issues in general (although I don't let it show)...

>>3
I don't know. I think we would have done that if she wasn't engaged, because indeed we both do enjoy the diverse kinds of exchanges.

I think I should tell her that as long as she's with someone we should postpone that, but I'm kinda afraid of triggering something in a maybe not so healthy relationship. And the worst thing is I'm not sure that would be a bad thing - why stay in a relationship you know you're unhappy? I just think it's not my call to make...

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-08-11 20:23 ID:3fmqWZ28

The safer choice would be to tell her to step back. You'll be given the space you need to evaluate your emotions and thoughts, and there won't be any new issues and complications that potentially/inevitably come about.

Of course, if you guys are good friends, you should at least talk to her about how things are and what happened before. If it's really bothering her, I'm sure she needs someone to talk to.. and you can also ask her about that particular night and how it has left you confused.

6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-08-13 03:59 ID:HB32vGry

>>5
I also think it's the safest course.

I have some news too. We talked quite a bit this evening, and amongst other things I asked her about the impression I had that she didn't want to go back. Well, obviously, she isn't very happy over there. Apparently she doesn't like the location, and is often alone and bored. She isn't that into the friends of her fiance, who are quite different from our other band of friends. She also told me that she was surprised because most of the people thought she was happy.

I think she mainly stays there because it's "stable", and she used to have quite a wild lifestyle. Maybe she feels it's her chance at "going back in file", I don't know. Maybe she thinks it makes her parents more proud of her than if she just hang around and had fun. It's... not healthy. So, I'm kinda worried about that for her. And funnily enough it's not because I could have some interests in the story.

We then were joking about stuff and I told her about how my place was. She joked about coming to hang out. I said "dare ya". Seconds later she was seriously considering taking a trip to see me next week. It's a bit far (but nothing unmanageable), but it'd be weird that she suddenly leaves to see a guy she doesn't know that well, no? Her fiance doesn't know about what we did, obviously, but even then it would be... weird, no?

Well, at least that's what I told her. I said that I was okay with it, because I have no real reason to object, but that she has to understand that it could lead to some diplomatic incident. She said it would be in all innocence, but well... stuff happens. Happened. So, yeah, right.

Well, that's for the news. Input is still appreciated.

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-08-27 13:27 ID:HB32vGry

Probably the last update for a while.

I persuaded her that it wasn't such a good idea, while still having her recognize that her situation maybe wasn't that much of a good thing for her. She didn't come over, recognizing that stuff would most likely have happened again.

We are keeping good contact and, oh well, we never know what the future holds. Wedding should take place around next summer if they get the finances, but who knows what decisions she could make by then.

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-08-27 19:05 ID:91kZVmNY

>>7 I missed your previous post (>>6).

I think basically that the best approach for you is to wait and see. It seems to me a good idea to tell her that nothing serious will happen as long as she's engaged with the other guy, but that it's not like you're not interested in her.

If she had posted here, I would tell her to break the engagement asap (and this independently of you). She's marrying for all the wrong reasons. But she did not come here, and probably she did not ask your opinion either, and nothing says you have to give your opinion on THAT.

9 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-08-28 09:35 ID:HB32vGry

>If she had posted here, I would tell her to break the engagement asap (and this independently of you). She's marrying for all the wrong reasons. But she did not come here, and probably she did not ask your opinion either, and nothing says you have to give your opinion on THAT.

I'd have told her that too if I wasn't in that situation. Seriously, this is headed towards a train wreck. I feel bad for her.

10 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-08-29 04:13 ID:XaD3QEnI

>>9

I don't think it would be out of line to ask her if she thinks the marriage will be a happy and successful one. Asking without any judgment from your side, of course.Maybe asking something about the future of the marriage will help her think things through a little more carefully.

I wonder if it even occurs to her what the consequences of marrying without proper consideration could be.

This thread has been closed. You cannot post in this thread any longer.