It's eating me up inside. (18)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-10-07 02:20 ID:sABZq/At

One of my male friends had a crush on me a year ago. He used to take passive-aggressive potshots at me all the time, slipping in little comments hinting at how he felt without actually manning up to tell me. He was a fragile little snob back then. I disliked him.

But, I don't dislike the person he's become since then. Over the past year I've seen him go through tremendous personal growth. He's so much stronger than he used to be. He's so intelligent, but so kind too. I daydream about him all the time. The only problem is that he moved on. He's been depressed because another girl turned him down. I hate her for rejecting him. I would never reject the person he is now. But it's too late. It's all too late. I could have fucking had him, too.

Has anyone gone through a similar situation? Any advice?

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-10-07 04:29 ID:B/laNseo

Why not just tell him how you feel?

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-10-07 05:25 ID:sABZq/At

If he's already sad that another girl stung him, then telling him would just add to his stress. And does anybody else have trouble getting the captcha's to work?

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-10-07 07:45 ID:xyk739KO

aren't you now not 'womaning up?'

you need to fix yourself of that first, because if you can't then it wouldn't matter even if he liked you still right now because -you'd- be the one too weak to do anything about their feelings. After you successfully fix that, then you should think about this:

Say for example i'm 16 again and I like a guy who's 18 alot, and I'm not afraid to tell him. He likes me only as a friend, and I still like him as a friend too, so we stay friend close, but thats it. Then I find out he's just not attracted to me, and he likes big tits, but I'm still pretty flat.

Say I go through a growth spurt in a year, and now I'm busting out of my tops. I've still been his friend the whole time and he's a cool guy, but he still wont get close to me, even though I know he likes my body now.

I finally confront him about it, and his honest to God explanation to me is that he likes me as a friend so much that he would feel bad if he went out with me now, just because he wouldn't go out with me before. He'd say something like he doesn't deserve to go out with me.

Do you think that would make me happy? Because I didn't have a body that the boy I like would be attracted to in the past, I should be happy that he won't go out with me now that I do?

If you've been friends with him for a while...do you think that would make your crush happy?

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-10-07 21:09 ID:31bG4n3E

> Has anyone gone through a similar situation?

Yeah, I'm 'that guy'.

> I hate her for rejecting him.

Then you must hate yourself, too?

> depressed because another girl turned him down... telling him would just add to his stress

Why? How long ago was it and how serious was he about her?

> The only problem is that he moved on.

How do you know that he's truly moved on? Just because he's made a move on another girl doesn't mean he feels nothing at all for you.

> Any advice?

Don't ever, ever mention you resented him for his insecurities.

6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-10-07 22:37 ID:sABZq/At

He got rejected two or three weeks ago. From his remarks on it it still feels pretty fresh. The days right after it happened he got really quiet and shut everyone out. Even though he's talking again, I still feel shut out. He doesn't let me touch him as often as he used to. And I mean CASUAL touching. He snapped at me for picking a hair off of his shirt. I dunno, he always seems like he would be happier talking to someone else even when he's making the same conversations he always has. I doubt he still feels anything. He seems to dislike me now, even. Guess I deserve it.

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-10-07 23:41 ID:31bG4n3E

>>6

That sure sounds cold, but he could just be in a bad place right now. Given time, he could warm up again. You can be a good friend until that time (but don't let him forget you're a woman, if you get my meaning).
I don't believe he'd continue talking to you in the same way if he disliked you.

But you may never know what he's feeling unless you risk getting hurt yourself.

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-10-08 00:13 ID:B/laNseo

>>7
Ah, the Hedgehog's Dilemma.

>>6
Yeah, I would say give him a little time. I would think a month's enough. It's not like he broke up with someone. You make it sound like he was rejected. It's not like he completely fell for this other girl, or did he? Use your best judgment. Trust your feelings.

9 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-10-08 01:47 ID:sABZq/At

So wait, I should hang around a guy and listen to all his problems in hope of him SOMEDAY loving me back? That sounds like a genderflipped version of those "Nice Guys" that rant about how all women are bitches. I'll just give up.

10 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-10-08 04:06 ID:B/laNseo

>>9
No, you have to make your move. You will know when the time is right, or maybe it's feel.

11 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-10-08 04:52 ID:xyk739KO

even guys may need a cooling off period.

Grinding gears from one shaky relationship to another is not a good way to be stable...

12 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-10-08 19:52 ID:fWEIhmKA

>>9

But that's exactly how it worked out for him, isn't it? And now the situation is reversed...

13 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-10-09 00:15 ID:B/laNseo

>>12
Which is why I said she has to make a move soon. Timing is everything.

14 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-10-09 12:07 ID:EcPTksRQ

Just tell him.

Guys love when you tell them you like them. They're way less likely to shut you out even if they don't have feelings back. Also most guys are less definitive in their "I'll never go out with X".

Don't tell you hated him for his insecurities, but tell him you like a lot how he's grown. It'll give him value as you remarked how he turned his life around, and chances are he actually decided to change his ways (at least partially) because of his failure with you. Hell, even if it leads to nothing, it'll probably be a huge ego boost to him, something every guy needs after a rejection (yeah, even the most hardened ones).

15 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-10-12 23:09 ID:Heaven

> I'll just give up.

Seriously? So what are you going to do, just shut him out?
Judge him on not being straight with you and then you turn around and do the exact same thing?

There's a good reason pussy is both a euphemism for female genitalia and a synonym for coward. This is it.

16 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-10-13 00:56 ID:sABZq/At

Huge TL;DR update that'll probably close up the thread.

>>15
I'd say you're overreacting a bit, especially since you don't fully know the situation. He has never been this cold to me before.

It seems like he's been avoiding me, too. I directly asked him about it. He said, "For reasons I don't wish to tell you." He did two things with that sentence: 1) Shut me out and 2) Admit he was avoiding me.

On top of that, I recently spent time at some gathering with him and the girl that rejected him. He still hangs onto every word she says. It's like he's not even trying to get over her. Meanwhile, he never speaks to me anymore unless I'm really pushy.

I'm tired of this crap. He's obviously uninterested. If he's going to chase after some bitch who treats him like shit, then act like I have some sort of social leprosy (after being his friend for two years), so be it. I'm not wasting any time or emotion on him anymore.

17 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-10-13 04:34 ID:EcPTksRQ

>>16
Sounds fair.

18 Name: 15 : 2009-10-15 16:46 ID:Heaven

>>16

> I'd say you're overreacting a bit, especially since you don't fully know the situation.

You're right. Sorry.
There's a lot we don't know. Like what constituted a little comment from him. And whether you ever verbally rejected him or just ignored his comments. Or his actual reason for not wanting to talk to you. Most important would be his side of the story, but we'll never get that.

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