How does one attract someone without coming off as gross and persistent? (23)

1 Name: SomeoneStuck : 2009-10-17 17:43 ID:uwkO9VOm

Okay, here's the gist of it... I was always attracted to a guy in one of my social circles, but as he had a long-D girlfriend, I kept my attraction to a bare minimum but stayed quite friendly with him. Having absolutely no relationship experience on my end, I found it easy to be casual and friendly - something I'm usually not when I know the person's not taken.

For quite a while, this guy was fairly nice to me - he generally made the effort to talk to me first, and when we walked home together from gatherings, he would occasionally extend the 'walking date' by asking if I wanted to pop by a store. I didn't read too much into it at all.

However, six months after knowing him (I'd known him since last year August), I found out he had broken up with his girlfriend around last year October. In other words, for four months this guy had been expressing mild interest to know me better - and I had had absolutely no idea. Shortly afterwards, he asked me out to lunch on a weekday. We communicated by work email, and sometimes he would email me with teasing remarks that had no real reason behind it. We had several more lunches, and I began to wonder if he was actually interested in me, and the fact I reciprocated those feelings to some extent started to make me extremely nervous around him.

It was around May when he moved away from my district, and into a building right next to my office. So I would sometimes see him in the mornings at the bus stop, when I got off and he got on. It wasn't too bad an arrangement, and I was starting to really develop feelings for the guy.

Just last month, however, he suddenly stopped contacting me on email. He suddenly grew so incredibly busy that he stopped turning up to the gatherings of my social circle, which he used to frequent on a regular basis. I gathered up the courage to text him, but he ignored that. The following week, when he didn't turn up again, I called him, but he ignored that too. So I emailed him a few days later, to ask if he was alright, and he emailed back that he was fine, just busy. He turned up to the gathering that weekend, and I was exceedingly glad to see him... but I was also very lame. Having grown self-aware of my own feelings, I act like a complete goon and can't think of anything interesting to say around him anymore. Yeep.

This was last weekend. So on Tuesday, I gathered the nerve to ask him via text if he was free on Wednesday evening. He texted back on Thursday afternoon, apologising for the late reply and saying that he wasn't free this week... but "maybe lunch or dinner next week" would be possible. Now, I texted back a few hours later, asking "Which day would be the best day to bug you? :P" in my attempt to sound cutesy, but instead I think I creeped him out because he stopped replying. And I'm scared texting "Helloooo?" will only be further cause for his apparent alarm.

So... I guess, I'm looking for help here in that... I really like this guy, but at the same time, I wonder if I'm being that really stupid girl who can't read the signs right. No matter how busy someone is, constant ignoring seems to be a case of trying to scrape me off his shoe. But at the same time, why would he text back about next week being a possibility if he thought I was that annoying? Or was that just courtesy? And... how on earth does one overcome stupid crush-symptoms and act like a normal and fun person with the one person that matters the most with??

Alright, I'm done... Thank you for reading.

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-10-17 22:08 ID:Heaven

Don't insist on the text. Wait for his answer. You'll see by then, don't overstress it.

These would be the reasonable things to do, but I'm not sure you'll be able to follow the advice. Oh well.

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-10-17 22:58 ID:gJDTQcQH

I agree, give it some time. Just do things to occupy your mind until some has passed, only then would I suggest further contact.

4 Name: SomeoneStuck : 2009-10-18 02:22 ID:nEsrX7QL

>>2
Thanks! I know I'm overstressing such a small thing...

>>3
So you would contact the guy again if enough time had passed, right?

There's another social gathering today of the circle we're both in... so if he comes today, I'll let you know if there are any developments.

To follow your advices, I shouldn't mention the text and I should wait for him to come to me, more like, right? I'll do that and see what happens.

I wish it were easier to be able to tell whether just a small push from me would either help or push him away. He approached me first - does that mean the ball's still not in my court? Or did I chuck the ball all wrong when it was?

Anyway, I'll let you know!

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-10-18 10:14 ID:gJDTQcQH

>>4
Yes, but only after a considerable amount of time has passed, like 3 or 4 weeks. Maybe he just got hit with a big project, who knows. He approached you and you expressed interest in going out to eat, so it's up to him now, I would think. I am just one guy though and we are not as simplistic as women would like to believe we are. Although, I do feel if he approached you and you expressed interest, he should let you know if he has to postpone something like this. But it's just an honest mistake. Hope it works out.

6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-10-18 11:33 ID:FNVuy/Jy

Well, definitely stop contacting him for the time being. Start a policy of only replying to anything that comes your way, because it does sound a bit full-on.

It could well be that he is really busy, which is reason enough itself to let him contact you when he is free to.

7 Name: SomeoneStuck : 2009-10-18 13:23 ID:LiflOkj4

>>5
I didn't really think about that, whether he had a huge project going on or not... I have heard that guys appreciate it when a girl says they understand how busy they are (especially when it's true I suppose?). Thanks for providing me with a better reason for his sudden MIA-ness.

>>6
Oh dear... so I really was contacting him a little too much, right? You make sense, both of you posters, about trying to give him more space since he's busy.

I guess the problem is more like, if he's really really busy, that's fine. I don't mind giving him space for that because heck, it's not like I've never been busy either. I worry a lot that I messed up somewhere, and that's turned him off, though... or maybe, he's waiting for me to contact him again to gauge just how interested I am? That's probably not it, but having little to no experience with males in general, I'm so lost!! Aiii... I sometimes wonder if I'm just accustomed to assuming the problem is me.

As a brief update, I did see him today at the social gathering. Since there were lots of us, whenever we spoke it was always something very generic or just some teasing remarks made to amuse everyone on a whole.

Here's a short exchange we had, for your reference (everyone at the table was quiet and listening, so it wasn't exactly a personal conversation): he asked me where some dude was, and I told him the dude was sick.
Him: Damn, is it swine flu?
Me: You have an awfully strange obsession with that. (Note: he asks this question whenever anyone is absent.)
Him: Well, I'm worried I'll get it!
Me: Didn't you say the other day that you wanted to get swine flu just so you could have the excuse to not go to work?
Him: Hahaha, well, I can't afford to not go to work these days.
Me: Aww man. Do you have to go to the office today?
Him: Well, I'll see how it goes.

I guess he really puts a lot of emphasis on how busy he is... so I never mentioned the text or anything to him, and later on, he left early and went home because he was tired, apparently.

So I guess the best course of action is to just sit tight and wait this week, right? No need to nudge him or anything?

By the way, thanks so much for the replies, guys. It's really helped me and I really feel better about myself for not mentioning the text or whatever to him. Knowing somehow that there was a general consensus not to bother him about it made me a lot less lame today. :)

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-10-18 13:34 ID:kqr7Yp0m

>>7

>I have heard that guys appreciate it when a girl says they understand how busy they are (especially when it's true I suppose?)

I'd say UNIQUELY when it's true, and even then, not all the time. It might just sound a different way to say "yeah, your other stuff is more important than me". Really, best leaving them alone when they're busy.

The ball is on his side, just wait for him to throw it back. If anything, to off some pressure off your shoulders, you might in a few days (and I mean that like a week or so) send him a quick text to cheer him up with his stuff, and don't make it sound like an answer is expected, and don't be verbose about it.

And on a more positive note for you, if he is indeed interested, he might be waiting for time where he's more relaxed to do stuff with you. Hell he might even be stressing about this too. But don't focus on this. Keep yourself busy on the side too, and stuff will go down its way.

9 Name: SomeoneStuck : 2009-10-19 15:50 ID:sZdrtqty

>>8
Thanks for your comments and advice! :D Your positive note was actually very uplifting. Thanks for that muchas. :)

I'm keeping quiet and not doing anything for the moment. Just a few things I thought I'd like to ask opinions on...

1) Someone else suggested I ignore him when I actually see him in person - not on purpose, but just pay more attention to other male friends in the social gathering. Do you guys have an opinion as to whether this is a good idea or not? (This is not to say whether I actually would do it, just wanna see opinions on this tactic. Any experiences as to whether it worked or backfired?)

2) I was thinking of going to bus stop just 10 minutes or so later than usual in order to 'accidentally' (maybe) bump into him at the bus stop in the mornings. I might be only just on time to work instead of getting there 15 minutes earlier like I usually do, but I wonder if it'd be effective to at least briefly see him in person every now and then to remind him I exist. It's not much - he gets on the bus I get off, so all we'd do is exchange greetings. Is that really going over the top though? If you were the guy, would you see right through me?

Thanks loads already for the advice given on this thread, I really appreciate it. :)

10 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-10-21 04:28 ID:mMkoCM/J

>>9

>Someone else suggested I ignored him when I actually see him in person

I think that that's a really bad idea. You're trying to hurt him, and with my experience, it's made them madder. It gives the message that you aren't that interested in him. Don't act over, but also don't act under-interested.

>I was thinking of going to the bus stop just 10 minutes or so later than usual

I think this is a better idea of the two, because 1, you get to see him, and at least talk to him, and 2, get 10 more minutes of sleep! Talking to him just a little bit is better than nothing. c:

Good luck! I really want to know how this turns out!

11 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-10-21 07:36 ID:gJDTQcQH

>>7
No, I don't think you were contacting him too much. You were at risk of doing that, but you hadn't crossed that line yet.

>>9
I second not ignoring him. You could do the bus stop thing. This way you'll at least get some exposure to each other, but just be careful you don't get yourself in trouble at work for this.

12 Name: SomeoneStuck : 2009-10-22 02:12 ID:ag/YlmT2

I can definitely see why ignoring him would be a bad idea now, actually. I guess I was just wondering if it actually worked, but it seems kind of stupid now in retrospect... I wonder why hurting someone seems to be the best way to get their attention for some of us?

Thank you both for your replies and kind advice. I seriously appreciate your help here.

I haven't seen him at the bus stop (I guess I'm not coming late enough haha) but! I wanted to update here. After no contact since last Sunday, he shot me an email this morning asking me to lunch either today or tomorrow, and then said if I can't make it I should suggest a new date next week.

As I'm not free tomorrow, I guess today lunch would make sense (despite how random and sudden it is) but I have to admit, I really don't look my best today. How was I supposed to know he'd ask me to lunch today of all days?? D:

I'll update again soon!

13 Name: SomeoneStuck : 2009-10-22 03:12 ID:ag/YlmT2

Okay, OP here just to quickly tell you guys, I might have done the insane. I told him I couldn't make it today or tomorrow and said I'd let him know maybe later about next week.

It's true that I can't make it tomorrow, but it's not true that I couldn't make it today. It's just that... I felt scared of over-exposing my own eagerness. Of making myself too available, I guess?

I suppose the ball's back in my court now. What should I do with it?

14 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-10-22 03:49 ID:gJDTQcQH

>I felt scared of over-exposing my own eagerness. Of making myself too available, I guess?

I'm not sure what you mean by this. I think you may just be overthinking things. He's already seen you many times, so I don't think it's going to bother him if you're not looking your best. How is being available being too eager? And how would he know if you made yourself available or not? I think you should plan a makeup for this as soon as you can. Good luck!

15 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-10-22 18:07 ID:mMkoCM/J

DEFINITELY A GOOD SIGN. I'm sorry that the 'Bus Plan' didn't work out, but I suppose he still missed you enough to email you.

I don't think it mattered if you said yes to today or not, but I guess it gives you more time to think about it or the such. Good luck!

16 Name: SomeoneStuck : 2009-10-23 08:01 ID:ag/YlmT2

>>14
Well... alright, I'm just under the impression that guys like the 'thrill of the chase'. I actually feel like part of the reason he won't bother replying to me properly is because I'm just too easy to reach. He knows I'm interested by now, I'm sure, and he knows that everything can be under his terms if he gives me enough encouragement... and that's boring. Isn't it?

That said, I felt that he offered the option of me picking a date next week because he understood his email was abrupt, and respected that I might not be free. So I took him up on that to justify his thinking, in a way.

However, I know what you're saying. There is a reason why I feel like I might have done the insane - if I push too hard, I might push him away instead of encouraging him to push back. It's hard to gauge what I'm worth, at times like these.

And I guess I probably shouldn't have given a toss about how I looked, but I couldn't help caring anyway. ^^;; Sorry.

>>15

Thank you! :D I'd like to think it's a good sign. To be honest, if he'd ignored me all week I would have probably told you guys I need to find a way to really quit on him. But now, I wonder if it's okay for me to feel that at least he doesn't dislike me (like I'd been worried about for a while).

I'm pondering how to propose next week's lunch date. I guess I might bring it up when I next see him on Sunday, if I get the chance and if he turns up. I'll probably shoot for Tuesday.

I'll let you know how it goes! Thanks everyone for your advice so far. If it hadn't been for this thread, who knows many clingy or annoying texts or emails might have made their way through. shudders

17 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-10-23 17:55 ID:gJDTQcQH

>>16
It's only natural to be concerned with your appearance, especially with someone you like. We all want to put our best foot forward and leave nothing to chance.

Personally, I hate it when women play hard to get but every guy is different. Part of attracting someone is figuring out what the other person likes and doesn't like. I'm sure many of us wish it could be as easy as asking the person, and I'm sure there are some like this, but most of the time, it's not. Everything seems to be going well for you so far though.

18 Name: SomeoneStuck : 2009-10-26 07:41 ID:As3Oqioe

OP here with a minor update. He turned up to the social gathering yesterday. When we were clearing the tables away, he was having trouble folding one, so I went over to help him. I teased him, and he laughed about it, and that was the only exchange we had all day. The rest of it (the gathering itself, the after tea session) we sat apart and talked in different conversations. Going home, we went separate ways, so that was a no-go as well.

I felt kind of empty by the end of the day. I feel like we're both walking different paths that only cross when one of us has to express more interest than is normal, which makes us vulnerable at those points so we struggle to act like we're less interested. It's very frustrating, and what's more, because no one else at the social gathering knows we have these 1:1 lunches sometimes, neither of us are willing to talk about it when anyone else is around. Because it sounds shady? I'm not sure...

I guess I'll email him tomorrow morning to ask if he's good for lunch this week... but I'm a little drained. Should it have to be this hard for me to get to know him even just a little better? Nothing's easy, I guess...

I'll update again when there's further development. Thanks for your insights and replies so far, I really appreciate it.

19 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-10-27 00:00 ID:gJDTQcQH

>>18
You're right, you just have to keep on trying. Perseverance will pay off, won't it? I'm in a similar situation where it's difficult to spend time with the person I'm pursuing, so I have an idea what you're going through. Just don't give up. If you really want this guy, you won't. I hope you will be rewarded for your efforts.

20 Name: SomeoneStuck : 2009-10-28 02:19 ID:ag/YlmT2

>>19
Thanks, man. :) Good luck to you with regards to who you're pursuing, too!

I wasn't able to update sooner, but basically I sent the guy an email yesterday morning to casually ask if he was good for lunch. He replied within the hour that he was... and that he'd like to bring a mutual friend of ours (a guy).

Well, I wasn't about to say 'What? No, I just want to have lunch with YOU' but as that mutual friend works closeby and does happen to be good friends with each of us, I agreed (privately, grudgingly) and we met up together for lunch.

The conversation was mainly between our mutual friend and the guy, though I was prompted on occasion to join in. They were mainly talking about some wild party they had been in so it wasn't exactly the ideal conversation for me to try and interrupt. I let them talk and injected a joke every now and then for fun, and then it was time to get back to the office.

This wasn't exactly the kind of thing I'd been expecting, and I have to admit I was extremely discouraged by this. It's like he doesn't want to see me on a 1:1 basis at all anymore.

The only thing that was vaguely surprising on a more positive note was that when we parted ways, he touched my shoulder and patted me as he said goodbye, which is something he's never done before (i.e. touching me), and he did it in front of our mutual friend.

But still, like I said, discouraging. No contact has been made since the lunch. Any thoughts as to where this should go now?

21 Name: SomeoneStuck : 2009-11-01 10:56 ID:kGsoAkBJ

OP here. As disheartening as this is, I thought I should update this thread.

So, today's social gathering. One of the girls there has grown extremely fond of him. She's two years older than him, so I thought it was more of a sisterly thing before, but now... Lots of unnecessary touching, joking around, always sitting next to each other... it was blatant today. Someone even speculated they might be dating behind the scenes.

To be frank I'm insanely jealous but what can I do about it? He's still perfectly friendly to me, and though I think he's equally friendly to her she definitely seems to have something for him.

I'm crushed, to be honest. Maybe I'm better off just forgetting this guy. He plays too hard to get, and now I've got competition?? Maybe it's not worth this much effort. Thoughts?

22 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-11-01 16:03 ID:zQLHsaaq

Tell him you're jealous (half serious half joking), check how he reacts, and take your decision accordingly.

23 Name: SomeoneStuck : 2009-11-23 09:47 ID:ag/YlmT2

After I last updated, I realised that I was just too tired to keep trying with a guy who was clearly uninterested in me. The last thing I wanted to do was make it obvious to him, so I'm sorry to say I did not take the last poster's advice.

Weeks passed, I met other guys who sparked my interest, and didn't meet or email with him in the meanwhile at all. Just saw him at the social gatherings where we would share a bit of banter, smile, and that was it.

Last weekend, however, I met him at two gatherings. The first one, he just sat quietly next to me while I was talking to someone else, and would occasionally pour me a beer or a shot. Afterwards, he tried to pay my cab fare home, but another guy beat him to it. (This is a culture thing, by the way. I happened to be the youngest at the gathering.)

The second gathering, at some points I would walk a little ways off to get some air, and he would join me and we would chat a little. It happened around three times? Later on that night, I got really drunk (go me) and woke up this morning with a killer hangover.

What really surprised me was that he texted me this afternoon to ask if I was feeling okay. Remember that older girl I mentioned in my last post? And that wild party this guy and our mutual guyfriend were talking about the last time we had lunch together? Well, in the wild party, that older girl got drunk on wine and went home alone. This guy and our mutual friend were laughing about it, and the guy said, 'Please tell her I hope she got back safely on my behalf'. He's that kind of guy, even to that older girl -- and he actually bothered to text me!!

While I'm kind of happy (since I'm still very fond of him, even if my feelings have receded quite a bit) I'm also very confused. I wonder what happened. And I'm not really sure where to go from here.

Well, that's the latest update I have for this thread. Let me know if you have any advice for me, I appreciate it!

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