Okay, so here's the deal: I don't know if I have a real question to ask. This may just end up being a rant, but I just really need to spill my guts out. I did this once here before, albeit under a different name, but...yeah. Here goes.
Little about myself, I'm a 22 year old male, not exactly what you'd call a super physically attractive guy, but I work out. Used to be a typical animu nerd, but I've kinda gotten over that phase. Still am a VG nerd; don't think that's going away any time soon. Currently in school for my associate's in computer science. No job atm.
So there's this girl, I'll call her "Pitcher". I met Pitcher last semester in a Japanese class. When we first met, things were way beneath casual; we didn't even say "hi" to each other on a daily basis or anything - merely acquaintances. For whatever reason, we started sitting near each other after the first half of the semester, and thus talking to each other a whole lot more often. I noticed that she occasionally came to class a bit on the late side, so I decided to use this opportunity to ask for her number so that I could "give her a wake up call and make sure she made it to class on time". I got the digits, but I didn't really take it upon myself to call her all that much, if at all. At this point in time, I started falling for her. She was really nice, we'd talk about random things, be it class, our friends, or whatever was going on in our lives at the time which gave me the inkling that she felt that there was something developing, too. But, being the incurable cynic that I am, I had this thought in the back of my head that "you know, maybe she's just being super nice - I wouldn't put it past her to be that way." I kept my distance throughout the summer.
Then, I tried the slow approach; I started hanging out with her more, waiting for her to get off work so we could walk or hang out and what not, made sure to walk her from class to class the next (this) semester. Whenever I was with her, that feeling of when you lie down and have a wall of bricks on your chest plagued me; I REALLY wanted to be with her in a closer sense. I decided to tell her one weekend after she got off work. We drove to the beach, we talked about random junk, and I dropped the 1-4-3. I held her hand and looked her in the eye. She was not opposed to this.
BUT.
Pitcher wasn't exactly welcoming of these feelings either. She just kinda stood there in front of me, not really gripping my hand back, but not trying to let go. I asked her how she felt about this. "I don't know...," she said. Going back to how cynical I can be, in my head I was thinking that this is her way of trying to let me down easy. I didn't say this out loud, of course.
We kinda just...stood there for a good 20 minutes, me just re-emphasizing how I felt about her and her just...yeah, just standing there with her head down and occasionally trying to change the subject so as to try and escape whatever possible awkwardness I have imposed upon her. I told Pitcher that I wanted her to think about it at the very least. She said "Yeah," and I dropped her off at her place. That was it.
For a week, we both kind of acted the way we usually did; cracked jokes, talked about what we were up to, etc. However, being the chronic overthinker that I am, Pitcher somehow got the impression that something was wrong with me. She read me like a book. She was on my mind. ALL. THE. TIME. So, we decide to meet behind the bungalows and I spill the beans all over again. I wanted her to figure out where she stood on the matter and I wanted an answer. All I got was another "I don't know". Growing rather impatient, I had to ask why she didn't know. A bit of a douchebag move in retrospect, I know, but again - it's in my nature as an overthinker. It's really hard to leave me hanging on something that's so...variable, for lack of a better word.
Pitcher told me that she has a bad habit of giving people the impression that she likes them. So, I came out with it again:
"Well, how do you feel about me?"
"...I don't know! ;_;"
I started to hug her. Again, she didn't hug back but she didn't pull away. I told her that I'd wait for her for as long as it'd take for her to come up with a conclusion about where she stood on the matter of "us".
Again, we went through that period of us just hanging out "as usual", texting each other practically every night, the works. After a week and a half, I felt as though I couldn't really wait around much longer, despite what I may have said in the past. I guess I expected her to have a much more expedient state of mind when it came to this matter. I was wrong. Pitcher and I had another one of those "us-chats", where I pretty much had to ask her: "Are we friends or do you see us being more than that? Because if not, I can't really keep myself attached to you in the way I am."
Thus, my "triumphant" return to the ol' FZ.
Yup. So that was that. After she said that, I took her to the bus stop, and I went to my next class.
Pitcher called me half-way through that class because she said she was feeling bad. Needless to say, so was I. She was afraid that she had hurt my feelings to such a point that we would never speak to each other again. I reassured her that this would not be the case as I valued too much what we have that I would never do something like throw that away, and that I still loved her despite knowing that it wouldn't be right for me to be IN love with her. (Flashback: she had already told me that this is what she'd be afraid of if she told me "no" right off the bat despite me telling her that I'm better off knowing sooner rather than later if she didn't want what I did.)
So, yeah. This put me in a pretty sour mood for another two weeks. I did my best to subdue it, but apparently not good enough that Pitcher couldn't still see how bummed I was about it. We decided to go down to some cliffs near the beach we were at before. We both took a seat, and I, for the last time (at least as of now) told her where I stood and acknowledged that she didn't feel the same way. Again, I cuddled with her, which at this point she slightly reciprocated, albeit with some concern that she's part of the reason why it's so hard for me to squash these feelings. Despite our physical contact, we still had to solidify that this was a one-way street and that our friendship was as far as it was going to go.
Fast-forward to the past couple weeks; I've found myself to be much more openly douchenozzly with her. I admit that when I was still trying to find out how she felt about me, I censored the cynical part of myself that can shoot down almost any idealistic POV. "Not no more," I says to myself. I was much more openly criticizing her ideas, for better or for worse. It came down to this past Friday where Pitcher really didn't want to read any more of my texts, or so was my opinion of the matter. I received no texts from her all weekend. I don't want to speculate too much.
I see her again in class tomorrow. I'll update again after that.
In the meantime, please leave comments, observations of my character based on the posts, and whatever else you may have for me - constructive or not. Anything's appreciated.
It sounds like you really need to back off and give her some space seriously. The more you try to get her to like you the more she will reject you no matter how much it seems like she might be interested or how close you seem you need to give her space. Like jello the harder you squeeze the more it breaks apart and goes through your fingers. It might even be too late at this point to salvage what you had since you kept on pressing issue. But its not all hopeless you learned a valuable leason hopefully. Maybe if you can swallow your feelings you can still have a good friend. Which isn't so bad trust me relationships aren't all that great especially realtionships with an indesisive lying to your face so she doesn't make you feel bad type. Good luck i know the feelings that you have now suck but they will fade with time. I have similar experiences with girls its best to just move on. Sorry if it sounds harsh.
Being a girl myself, I don't like girls like her. If I like a guy, I might not tell him..but at least I will tell guys if I don't like them, just so there's no misunderstanding. Even if this means compromising friendships. Maybe it's because I've been lead on before, or misread signals, so I'm much more aware of my own actions and how much it sucks to have this false belief. It's a funny thing though, because my best friend is exactly like this type of girl when it comes to romance. She'll drop signals, sometimes unconsciously, and sometimes half-knowingly, and I've told her repeatedly that she has to be more clear, but whatevs.
Anyway, whilst I don't approve of her actions, I don't exactly agree with yours either. It sounds like you're just being bitter because you got knocked back, and you're taking it out on her. Suck it up, man. I think in my limited experience, what helps if you do what >>3 suggested and take some time out from her. After all, you did confess your heart to her and get rejected, so it's normal to be a little down. But it's not normal for you to just pretend like it didn't happen and just go back to BFFs the next day. Naturally if you keep contacting and seeing her, that's just gonna exacerbate the problem, and I think that's why you've started showing some resentment openly towards her.
tldr: Take a break away from her.
'Preciate it, you guys. I'll have y'all know that I've been doing my damnedest lately to try and distance myself emotionally from her, although it's been pretty hard to do so physically considering we do share the same class on Tuesdays and Thursdays each week.
Also, I'll be the first to admit when I'm in the wrong. I completely understand that me being an ass to someone who turns me down isn't exactly the most prudent way to cope with rejection, but it's the only way I see fit for the time being, unfortunately.
I don't recall if I mentioned this, but somewhere between the meetings, I told her if that she didn't feel the same way about me that we would still be friends (you see how "well" that's been working out lately, but I digress). This is where a new problem is starting to arise. She obviously realizes that I've gone through somewhat of an attitude change when I'm around her, and has texted me earlier tonight regarding that. I've asked her what she's referring to, and she refuses to point out what it is exactly that she feels has changed. She, too, has also begun to start criticizing my outlooks on life much more openly. She says I'm being "stubborn about the whole thing", without actually clarifying what "the whole thing" is.
At this point in time, I've no intention or interest in keeping a dying flame lighted. However, I would like to maintain some level of friendship with her, despite it looking like that's a losing fight. I'd like to believe I'm not the kind of person who would go back on my word in such an emotional state. For the second time, I don't really know where to go from here.
Keep that advice coming - it's all very much appreciated.
>> without actually clarifying what "the whole thing" is.
Does it really have to be said out? Obviously she's referring to your change in attitude ever since she turned you down. That you're not willing to accept it, move on, and be friends. Of course though, no-one would expect you to stay friends, but she clearly wants to go back to the way things used to be. The fact that she's more openly critical of you now, is probably retaliation against your hostile attitude towards her. She might have felt regret/sorry when she turned you down, but now those feelings have probably been quenched by you being an ass to her.
If I were in your position and I still wanted to stay friends with her, I would probably confront her about it, and confess that I was having a hard time over the rejection, hence my jackass behaviour. I would also tell her that I'm not sure if I could stay friends with her without developing feelings again.
But one thing you should perhaps ask yourself is that if your heart is hurting more, or your ego? Because your actions sound like someone acting in spite, and not really reflective of how much you supposedly care/d about her.
Considering that I've pretty much proven that I fail at picking up any and all hints/signals/etc. with her already, I try to steer conversations nowadays to where we're both completely clear and leaving nothing open to interpretation. I've already told her that she's better off hurting my feelings and getting her point across than leaving me hanging on an unfinished thought, the latter of which she's been tending to do a whole lot.
I can understand how at this point she'd feel the need to strike back at my less-than-amiability. I suppose I can't blame her for that. What I don't understand is how else I'm supposed to act around her. Your suggestion presents somewhat of a catch-22 as she has already suggested "leaving me alone," which I take to mean that she's cutting me off altogether, as she hasn't really provided a time-window. If I tell her that I can't be around her without gas being added to that dying flame, I imagine that she'd see it best to do just that. If I say nothing, well...I can't exactly maintain a friendship with someone I say nothing to.
It really seems as though my only available course of action is to let her decide to act however she feels necessary. I've already spilled my beans, and acted how I felt would be appropriate. If anything, I've pretty much relegated myself to "acquaintance" - not a friend. Whether that's a good or bad move still remains to be seen (to me, anyway - it's pretty obvious that I'm no good at reading women).
I am confused, DOES SHE LIKE YOU OR NOT, OR DO YOU NOT KNOW AT ALL?
As far as pursuing a relationship is concerned, she's pretty much not down for that. I've already accepted that, if my OP hasn't already clarified that. What I DON'T know at this point is if she even wants to be friends. She's the kind of person who would be civil and maintain some sort of communication, albeit not on a "friendly" level, but not cut off any and all communication. I'm trying to figure out whether I've fallen into that category simply because we're sharing the same class for the rest of the semester. Shit's buggin' me.
>>9
well if you care for my measly opinion,I'd say sever ties with her
it doesn't seem like either of you really gain anything from this friendship.you're miserable and she's uncomfortable. whats the point?
IMO, you're better off looking for someone else. Or nobody else as well, just get out of this awkward situation. Seems more like you're on a mine field than on a friend zone.
I think you've already gone a little too careful on the beggining. You had you cuddling moments, and yet you didn't try to take it further, it seems. And this could be due to one of two reasons: you didn't have the guts to do so, or she didn't give you an opening. In the first case, you've lost your shot and let her think too much about it - learn from it and get smarter so you won't lose your next chance, probably with another girl. In the second one, you wouldn't go any further, so you could just have noticed it on the first time and saved all those relationship discussions you had later on. And we all know that discussing a non-existant relationship is quite an unnecessary pain in the ass.
How to distinguish between the two cases? Well, that's the trick. You've only got your instincts to rely on here, and no matter how much you describe the story to us, it'll never be enough.
Good luck next time, and take it easy with her - give this girl a little respect at least for what she taught you, or simply for convenience's sake.