Dating a PHD student... (5)

1 Name: Lover : 2011-01-20 06:08 ID:T+IXst7i

Last Oct 2010 my girlfriend got accepted to start her Phd in march 2011. Her phd professors asked her to start coming in to the dept to help out and get accustomed to phd life...

Strangely, she has to go in everyday at 9am and she leaves at 10pm. When she's there she doesn't really do anything, but she isn't allowed to leave. We have been having problems recently because of the amount of time she's spending there... it seems unnecessary and excessive to me... that's 65hours a week already without taking weekends into account. most importantly is that her phd hasn't even started yet.

The only time I get to see her now on the weekends is late late nights -around 11pm. and most of her weekends are all taken up with extra phd related things her professors rope her into.

I've read elsewhere on that the average work hours of phds is 9-5 or 30-40 a week... She's doing more than 65... The other people say that partners should be patient and understanding... but I feel like our relationship has been reduced to a couple hours a week.
Am I right to be angry?

I'm not suspicious of her cheating on me or anything like that, but I do feel like she is being taken advantage of by her phd. The part that I hate most about it is that she feels dutiful to go everyday for that time, as if it's normal... She says that she isn't smart and she needs her teams help. so by never saying no her peers to respect her for her loyalty and sacrifice and help her when she needs it. She says that she has no choice in her schedule and that she is already seeing me as much as she can.

I've been reduced to that guy that doesn't even ask when she has time for us... and instead waits for her beckoning. And in those late nights when she comes in, we literally talk for about 20 mins, have sex, and then she goes to sleep. the next morning she's gone at 7am. Recently when we were having sex, I suddenly felt like I was servicing her like she was a customer. What kind of relationship is this?

We had light hearted conversation about it last night... I have to return back to England at the end of Feb and her course starts in March.
I asked her,
Me: if I stayed for another year what do you think would happen to us?
Her: we would separate. but, wait for me for 3 years and we can be together again
Me: 3 years will change us both...
Her: I will wait for you.
Me: ...I think in the next 3 years it will be difficult for you to find a guy that will understand your life. If your Phd hasn't even started now and you are already staying 9am-10pm...
Her: I know... but my father has arranged it, after 3 years of this life they will make me a professor at the university. I have to do it.
Me: ....I have 6 weeks left with you. Your Phd hasn't even started yet but you are spending your whole life there. this past weekend you said you had time for us, but then your professors called you in on Saturday and Sunday. I barely get to see you.
Her: don't be angry.
Me: I think if I, or any other guy you were with, asked you to choose between us or your Phd, I know what your answer would be.
Her: (silence).

I am leaving the country soon and the reality of our lives are forcing us apart. After writing this out it has become more clear to me that despite us saying that we love each other, maybe we don't. At least, I can no longer say that I love her the way that I used to, and I guess her love for me has always been different from what I've been giving...

What should I do? Bottom line is that I still want to see her, but as my time draws near, I'm increasingly more angry and bitter that she isn't taking the necessary steps to maximise my remaining time. I do enjoy the sex... but as I have more sex with her, the more empty the love making feels.

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2011-01-20 09:13 ID:daqZ9VC/

a person is a person when they have a life. and a life is not another person it can't be. she can't spend time with you because she wants to have her own life. it was cruel of you to ask her to choose and then say something stupid like if it was another guy i bet you wouldn't do this. you are reacting normally but there is no reason to be mean apologize to her about that comment and just support her if you cant wait 3 years for her tell her that too but if she is willing to wait for you i don't think she is secretly seeing someone else you are just being paranoid. but i only know what you told us only you can make this decision and know what is happening. I have a feeling some complex emotions are clouding your view on things though.

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2011-01-20 22:57 ID:I7rmmayW

You're all she has, you fucking asshole.

4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2011-01-20 23:09 ID:0HswZjyl

I understand how you feel, but I understand how she feels too.

Dude, this PHD is her entire fucking life. It's hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt, it's years of work and schooling, it's her only chance. If she doesn't finish it and get that job as a professor, she will be so entirely screwed, you don't even know.

Yes, her supervisors are fucking her over, but she can't complain. They'll simply get rid of her, for someone that's "willing to do the work". If she asks for time off it will piss off her coworkers as well, who are likely in the same position, and they will ostracize her, when she needs those people.

And honestly, I'm amazed she even has the energy to talk to you and have sex instead of just collapsing when she gets home like the majority of people do. I think she really does care about you. I think she is trying to pay attention to and be with you, and yeah that time is small and shitty and unfulfillng, but that's all she can give.

It's a shitty situation all around, and if you can't do it, you just can't, no one blames you, but it's not her fault, dude, and there's not much she can do about it. It's not as simple as waltzing into her bosses office and demanding more time off for her life and you and he says "WELL OK THEN!" and everything's peachy-keens. It's not as simple as "choosing" you and you two ride off into the sunset together for ever and happy and spending all the time in the world together. Life's not like that.

5 Name: 43 : 2011-01-22 23:54 ID:+1A86PZP

What's is she doing the PhD on? I'm on biochemistry and I don't ever do that many hours. I think the most I've done is 60 in a week.

Also, I'm surprised they'd give her the professorship that easily. Unless you're in the states where being a professor is not a title but a job.

I've seen couples with one of them doing a PhD before. It is demanding for both. If you don't think you can handle it then break up now.

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