[loneliness] perhaps maybe a new way to tell a tired old story (8)

1 Name: Taking Suggestions : 2011-01-20 23:12 ID:5qtyM6se

So, you are on a life raft in the middle of the ocean. You don't know which ocean, or why you're there in the first place. Come to think of it, you don't really know much of anything. You do know, though, that you like this raft. It just makes you feel contented. You don't know why it makes you feel this way. Over time, you come to think of this life raft as a 'home away from home'; not quite as good as the real thing, but still nice(although you can't remember having a real home or anything, but you get the idea). You have a passing thought of what it would be like to stand on firm, dry land...

Months pass, though it feels like mere hours. The weather has been great, the water always calm. But today, something is very different. You woke up to the sight of an uneven, raised horizon. You quickly surmise that the culprit behind your no-longer-perfect horizon is in fact, a distant land mass. You find yourself staring at it for hours. It gets larger, and you know that this means you're drifting closer. You feel a little comfort and anticipation for something new. You're so engrossed in this new possibility that you stare at it until it's too dark to see it anymore, and then you fall asleep.

The next morning, you wake up to the familiar sight of beautiful clear sunny skies, and a flat shimmering horizon. Instead of taking comfort from this familiar sight, you feel different; you feel disappointed because you had expected to wake up on solid ground, and you feel a sense of loss because you don't have anything on the horizon to look at anymore. You're a reasonable type of person, and you tell yourself that feeling bad about this experience won't help you.

"I didn't really lose anything. I've got no reason to feel sad. I still have this nice raft. Even if I had got onto land, what would I have done there? It wasn't very pretty to look at anyway. Actually, it could have just been a dream."

Months pass. You feel a bit older. You've forgotten all about that day, ages ago, when you saw a different future for yourself. But you saw that thing, again. You've seen this before. Now, you remember.

"This is it."

You observe it for a while, and soon your mind is clouded by doubt.

"What do I do? How do I get there? Maybe the ocean current will be kind to me. Can I paddle to shore? What if I jumped out of the raft and swam..."

Again, you stare at IT for the whole day, entirely preoccupied by thoughts of it. Night arrives, and you remember the disappointment you awoke to last time this happened, so you stayed awake to be vigilant. Soon it becomes too dark to see...

You wake up.

"Where is it?"

You aren't surprised when you can't see it. A few days pass and you find yourself having new thoughts.

"What am I here for? Why can't I get to it? Why do I want it? I wish I didn't want it..."
"...What does this all mean?"

2 Name: Taking Suggestions : 2011-01-20 23:13 ID:5qtyM6se

Well, I don't know what happens next, because this is actually my story, and this is where I'm at right now. I figure not a lot can happen at this point. Maybe I'll plan an escape, and attempt a risky swim to shore when I think I'm close enough. Maybe I'll just accept my situation and take up some new hobbies(napping, counting full moons, that sort of thing).

TL;DR: I do know now, what it is that I want. I just want something that I can't doubt, something that's always there for me(and me only), something to use as support. I'm always floating, drifting around. I want somebody to help keep me steady.

I'm 19, sort of shy introverted guy, and going to college. For now I'm focusing just on my classwork to suppress thoughts. Haven't had any experience with closeness or anything... I guess I'm a relatively hard person to get to know. I run out of energy real fast when I'm around people, and I kind of like to be alone, but I am very tired of being lonely. I can't stop thinking about things, and most of the time I'm thinking about myself and my actions, always comparing myself to other people and having doubts. In a nutshell, I'm a generally pessimistic person who is always hard to approach in public, because I probably look like I'm lost in thought or something(because I am). Nobody usually sits next to me on the train or bus. I try to resist it, but it's still kind of awkward. I am convinced that I cannot entirely overcome my 'nature', and I want people to like me for who I am.

Someday I want to be something to somebody, right now I just feel like a surveillance camera with arms and legs. I want to have one of those nice give/take relationships in real life. Maybe find somebody on the internet and start it there. I don't know. I haven't had much experience with people in general though. I have a few friends on the internet, literally none in real life. I used to have a couple of friends in high school. I sort of almost got with this friend of mine, but she dated assholes repeatedly; no matter how much I was there for her, she'd keep hurting herself and me simultaneously by choosing guys other than me. I know that that story is pretty common too. I know that as soon as I get close to somebody, they'll quickly become 'home' for me, and I'll be clingy. Dunno if that's bad or not. I'm sort of ashamed to admit it, but it does suck to see cute couples walking around campus every day...

Recently I've tried smiling alongside making eye contact. I'm easily discouraged at the results, though. Just kind of wanted to get this crappy story I thought of off my chest. Any tips? Does anybody have any success stories maybe?

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2011-01-23 08:10 ID:v1l6RA0y

I don't suppose you'd be interested in one more internet friend, would you?

http://contactbyweb.com/whspr

4 Name: That Was Intense : 2011-01-23 23:30 ID:Q+3M0cMT

Holy shit. I read this and couldn't get over how perfectly I related to this. I'm 20, sort of shy introverted guy going to college using classwork to suppress thoughts. Until recently anyway. I'm actually cooking pie as we speak and a girl (crazy, I know) who has been actually expressing some sort of tentative interest in me said she wants to come try it when it's done.

I think I'm going to swim.

Goddam I'm getting in. I can see the shore.

It's right there, and it's so pretty and warm and filled with new experiences.

5 Name: Taking Suggestions : 2011-01-24 02:00 ID:yTMFQIhO

>>3

Sounds good

6 Name: Taking Suggestions : 2011-01-24 02:04 ID:yTMFQIhO

>>4

I'm glad you could relate to it. I think there's a lot of people just like us... I really hope it works out for you. If it does, I'd like to know how it went.

7 Name: SS : 2011-01-27 01:55 ID:zjSdNvx0

I can relate to you. I love being alone. I value my solitude. But of course, this gets all too boring and all too quiet.

So I do something about it. I make new friends and get closer to girls I'm interested in. Inevitably, I become romantically involved with someone.

Think about it this way; if you know what you want, you're the only person who knows that you want anything at all. If you're the only person who knows this, then you're the only person that can take action (or take no action). Given all of the above, you have only two options: 1. Get what you want, or 2. Don't. I guess there's a third and fourth option that go along with these as well: 1. Complain, or 2. Don't complain.

By no means am I trying to come off as harsh, I'm just telling you the truth.

If you're being honest to yourself and to us, you are "tired of being lonely." So, get yourself to shore! If I were you, I'd have been off that raft the second I spotted land! I'd be swimming like a maniac! Regardless of knowing whether or not I'd make it, who cares!? Everything in life requires a risk, some more than others. You have to ask yourself if this is a risk worth taking. Judging by the fact that you were passive enough to simply think about getting off your raft of solitude, only to pity yourself for wanting anything at all, you seem to be very indecisive or at least, very unconvinced about what you really want. That's the first step: figure out exactly what you want, and be absolutely certain. When you know for sure, there's nothing left to think about. It's downhill from there, because you know you'll gravitate towards that end you wish to meet. You're body will become almost involuntary in obtaining your desire. Pain, rejection, and even fear will all become minuscule. Just be sure.

8 Name: That Was Intense : 2011-03-04 05:15 ID:GsOe11qt

Reporting back.

SNAFU.

Girl is apparently in some weird state of both having and not having a boyfriend and is terribly conflicted.

I'm swimming back to the raft.

Every time I get off this dammed raft things go terribly.

Every time I get back to the raft, things get depressing and lonely.

When I'm depressed and lonely I seem incapable of getting things done and yet, I have so much to do. :/

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