I have a friend in my church who would probably like to pursue a romantic relationship with me if I would let him. My problem is that I don't love him that way and I never will. Right now, our interactions are awkward because I know he wants to talk/flirt with me but I don't want to lead him on by carrying long, involved conversations with him. What hurts is that I miss speaking to him freely like the big brother I wish I had but if I do he'll take it as a sign of attraction. Can anybody tell me how to broach this subject without sounding presumptuous and ruining our sibling-like relationship?
*Note: Some of you might be wondering how I know of his attraction...and while it might be helpful for me to share that knowledge, I really do not want to enter a debate about whether "he likes me or likes me not." If possible, please stick with the topic of how to approach him about this issue as painlessly as possible. Thanks in advance.
Just treat him like a friend, or however you were treating him before. If he starts to flirt or anything like that, just be an adult and tell him you're not interested in him that way. Acting different around him is going to make things worse, and you'll just come across as a bitch.
like >>2 says
Best off being mature about it and say you aren't interested and just act as you always were... he will most likely pull back from it, but its better then him constantly flirting with you... its up to you to reach out after too...
The worst sentence every guy will hear is "I think we are better off as friends" and then there is that awkwardness afterwards... its up to you to remove that awkwardness
you are being selfish. the best thing for him in this situation goes against what you want. if he is infatuated with you, you have to either ignore him and let him know that type of attention is unwanted, or as a previous poster said, just confront him directly when he displays unwanted behavior. it is NEVER best to beat around the bush. no one likes that.
you are misunderstanding things if you think the -both- of you have a 'sibling like relationship'. thats what you want, not what he wants. if you are sure that he wants you romantically, such a relationship will likely never satisfy him. depending on his personality type, he may never actually be able to shake his desire for you. you have to accept the possibility that the old relationship you had with him is no longer possible.
>>4 perhaps you are right... If there was any way we could go back to the way we were, I'd do it. Then again, I had a feeling that going back to those days is almost impossible now. But, please tell me that we can be friends again...even if we won't be as close as we used to be. I would rather be good acquaintances rather than awkward strangers.
>>5
Well, it depends on the both of you and how much you mean to him. There's a chance that he could be heartbroken and not want anything to do with you anymore, though, if you try enough to show that you're willing to "just be friends" he might try to get over the awkwardness of being around you and act like you used to. It's not impossible to get it back, but you'll both have to try hard to get it like it used to be.
Rejection is usually bad for everybody involved, so, don't expect things to go smoothly.
>>5 with social networking the way it is today, the word 'friend' is thrown around very easily so id say you could certainly remain friends that are at least attend social gatherings together without being completely awkward. but i wouldnt hold out hope for a quality platonic relationship unless his infatuation is only minor.
given that you arent even willing to discuss whether or not this board believes he is into you at all, its entirely likely he isnt as interested as you think he is anyway. in which case things would probably work out in your favor.
>>7 You have a good point about me not wanting to discuss the validity/degree of his attraction. My main issue, though, is what to do. I'm hoping that the situation is like you say ("...he isnt as interested as you think he is..."). But on the off-chance it isn't (and this is my gut-feeling), I'm wondering what I should do. My mother says to keep my distance, which makes sense but makes me feel like I'm being bitchy. Others say that I should be more upfront, which would allow both of us to deal with it directly but it also has the risk of making things terribly painful/awkward. This is my dilemma. I don't want to hurt him, but I can't let both of us suffer.
>>8
It's pretty much like what several posters have said already. Treat him like normal and only say something about it if he starts to show any interest. Agreeing with >>7 here, chances are he really ISN'T interested in you like that, or if he is, not to the extremes you seem to imagine, despite what your hunch is telling you.
And on the off chance that he does? You pretty much aren't going to get what you want out of this. That's like and love sometimes, we all have to deal with it.
>>9
That's LIFE and love sometimes. Embarrassing typo to make.
>> This is my dilemma. I don't want to hurt him, but I can't let both of us suffer.
this really sounds more dramatic than it needs to be. for the sake of argument lets pretend hes madly in love with you. in that case, 'not wanting to hurt him' would be the worst possible thing you could ever do. if he was obsessed with you, every little nice thing you said would be misinterpreted as a confession of love. now tone the situation back to a mild infatuation and hes just going to feel like hes being led on if you refuse to be honest about how you feel.
now, the way im looking at it based on the tone of your posts, hes probably -not- terribly interested, and the only reason why you should hesitate to just be upfront is because youre aware of that and it would make you look silly.
basically, if hes still being nice to you, hes hardly suffering. any perceived suffering is on your end and its all just needless angst.
Stop being a selfish bitch. Reject him and stop letting him devote his time and affection to you. If he really cares for you he cant just be your friend.
Every time you condone his behavior, you make eventual emotional shattering worse.
I know. Ive been rejected a number of times the past 4 years, with no success. Better this than delude myself into believing something good will eventually happen.
hey bro
not confronting him directly is just as bad as leading him on
I did tell the person and so far we are okay. It's a little awkward, but what else can I expect? Anyway, thanks for the help everybody. And for poster #12, I'm sorry that you've had such a terrible experience. I only hope that my person isn't too hurt and that you'll have better luck next time.
#12 here. Sorry I was a bit gruff. Things we're particularly bad that day.
No worries...^_^ Everybody's entitled to be grumpy once in a while. I know I'd go insane if I didn't! (btws, I hope everything became better the next day.)