Relationship-related turmoil. Help. (35)

1 Name: Femanon : 2012-04-01 10:41 ID:3kYCwoV4

I don't know who to tell this to, or how do I even phrase it.
I have never been in a relationship. I will turn 21 this year.
(A little background information- The only thing I ever actually had, was with a friend's friend. I fell for him though I just intended to explore things. But that chapter's over and done with)

Now, there is a guy who cares about me, and I care about him too. But he REALLY cares about me.
We have everything scarily in common, right from our musical preferences, sexual fantasies to tastes in interiors.
But I just don't feel like I'm into him?
Should I still give him a chance even if I don't feel a 'like-like' feeling or tingles?
I don't know if it's a friendzone or what, but I get shit scared if anything related to even going out comes up.
My fingers get cold as if I'm awaiting an execution and my heart feels like it stops, and yet races like it wants to run away in some blinding rain. It's like a deafening sound of a thousand beating wings.

2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-04-02 19:22 ID:8wQakdYS

Okay, I get that, but what exactly is your question?

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-04-03 03:01 ID:2USJXUjf

>>2

Protip: Questions end in things called question marks. They look like this --->?

Now I'm sure if you read >>1 again you will find a question!

4 Name: Femanon : 2012-04-05 21:05 ID:P2x3+wfS

Before any serious convos over Skype with him today, I was playing guitar clad in my shirt and underwear (skin is normal with us and I'm just plain devoid of shyness) and right after I was done playing a little Led Zeppelin, my high e-string snapped.

I'm just feeling worse when I see the depth to which he cares about me.
Today, he told this "Imagine 24 hrs of sun but there was some rain. I wouldn't let the rain bring me down. I would be glad there was sun. You're like the sun"
My heart stopped.

He said he can't have a day go by without talking to me. Said it's like how a flower would want sunshine.
He also told me he would still care about me and he would still make time for me and nothing would change.

His kindness makes my heart sting and I wish I could just disappear.

5 Name: Femanon : 2012-04-05 21:44 ID:P2x3+wfS

I'm sitting sleepless because there's a bit of thunder. I don't want to be shaken awake from onsetting sleep.
Just a memory I like thinking of- We jammed 'The Ocean' by Led Zeppelin the first time we spent at his place with him on the drums and me on the guitar. He was surprised I liked Rush too.

6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-04-05 23:14 ID:iy5eT+UU

You like him.

7 Name: Femanon : 2012-04-06 07:09 ID:KGrjEixH

>>6
I care about him, yes.
I don't know if I like him because I don't feel like wanting physical contact. Except hugs.
Not even a cuddle.
Thinking about it just feels odd.

8 Name: Femanon : 2012-04-07 12:41 ID:JkObi53B

This happened last night.
He tells me kind things. Just too kind.
I tried doing something new with noodles for dinner. I screwed up and I had to throw it away.
He said 'It isn't messed up. It's an incomplete masterpiece'
He tells me about Ratatouile. Said I was only beginning.

As the conversations went on, he said (actually spilled the beans) he was planning to get me an Epiphone Les Paul for my birthday. I told him it was something that costs, not something small, and he said 'It's not like I'm getting a house or getting married, the money's just gonna sit there. It's worth the investment'.
He was telling me how my eyes twinkled when I was onstage from the joy, and he loved to see that.
And I said 'I dont' deserve your generosity, what have I ever done?'
he replied 'You make me happy and I like you'
I started crying when he said so. Tears barely perched on my eyelashed and he drew closer to the cam 'Hey are you..? Aww no, don't...'
And trying to keep my voice still, I said that I always loved a Les Paul and imagined swaying onstage with one and cried more.
Eventually tears poured. As it would have it, I got emotional and rambled on. He said I wasn't a mess despite the times I've cried. Said he didn't want to see fragments of me, but me as a whole. He said I've got a beautiful soul and gorgeous love handles and we grinned.

I told him that I was lucky to have him. That whatever good I did has come back to me as someone watching over me from a Skype window.

In the end, I felt like giving him a hug.

9 Name: Femanon : 2012-04-07 12:55 ID:JkObi53B

I'm writing this after a Skype session today,
He said he'd take me to the beach. So here's what he did- attached a webcam to himself and rode on his Royal Enfield bike.
It looked like a trucking video- like some Psychedelic Stop Motion film as I saw familiar scenes and streets from my hometown.
When he reached the beach, it was a nice feeling watching the sea though I was all the way away from home. This was the first time doing something like this.

Somewhere in the middle of the convo, there came some naughty bits. When you type like this---> hugs from behind and kisses
I like him, I care about him. But I don't want to be touched by him.
I felt my heart cave in as I tried to keep the conversation alright, I didn't want to kill a day that was going so far so good. It was okay, nothing crumbled down.

10 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-04-07 22:41 ID:iy5eT+UU

Jesus god, he is the sweetest boy ever.
I don't understand how you can not like him.

11 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-04-07 22:43 ID:iy5eT+UU

Seriously.

12 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-04-07 22:44 ID:iy5eT+UU

You will never find anyone like him again.

13 Name: Femanon : 2012-04-09 02:02 ID:JkObi53B

>>10
>>11
He is.
I just like him and care about him.
I can't like him beyond a certain way.
Like I said before, we hug over skype. And although we do, I can't picture it well in reality.
I don't feel like having any physical contact a step above a hug, like kisses and loving caresses and such-
It feels awkward even just picturing them in my head
What use is it to like him back if I don't feel like having physical contact of that kind? It just won't work.

>>12
All I feel is fear, nervousness and a lump in my throat.
I feel like a loaded gun. When I think of him, his kindness, I feel pangs in my chest.

14 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-04-09 19:35 ID:J9hLGZ8r

>>10

I find him cheesy(Good god I cringed so hard with second-hand embarrassment at that stupid sun-rain-flower comparison) and overbearing, but to each their own I guess.

>>13

Gurrlllll, you got you are blinded by your emotions and I'm here to burst your bubble on a couple things.

To begin, you DO NOT, under any fucking circumstances, no matter how much you want it, accept that Les Paul, and here's why:

First of all, it would be in bad faith to take it. Let's be real here, no matter what he says, he's spending that money on you because he likes you. You're an adult, so you need to take any feelings of wanting it, or being touched by the offer, or not wanting to be rude, and push them out a damn window.

Secondly, you need to protect yourself. You don't like this guy, but as soon as you accept that gift(Or anything from him really) in his mind, you are going to owe him, and owe him big. In his mind, it won't matter what you have said or will say about not liking him, you took it and that shows you really do like him. In his mind, YOU are the one whose going to be the Big Bad Bitch if you take that and you still won't be his girlfriend. You are a female and he's a Nice Guy and everyone knows that girls are just machines that you put Kindness Coins into and Sex should fall out! And that Les Paul is like, 5,000 Kindness Coins! Is this a fucked up attitude to have? Yep, but that's how our society is.

The other issue I have is that the way you two act around each other is very unhealthy. I'm sorry, but if you don't like him, you need to stop doing things like PLAYING YOUR GUITAR IN YOUR UNDERWEAR around him, or at least have a serious conversation about how no, that is not in anyway any kind of flirting or sexual teasing or anything like that. You also need to shut down his attempts at being romantic, because despite his claims of caring about you, he hasn't even demonstrated the most basic act of caring a person can do; listening. You don't like him, you don't want a relationship, and instead of listening to this and respecting you and trying to control his own feelings, all he's done is kept pushing his feelings on you. He's not interested in what you want, he's only interested in getting a relationship out of you.

I guess my point is it's ok if you don't like him or if you're unsure. But until your feelings change or become clearer, you need to buckle up and put a stop to a lot of this.

15 Name: Femanon : 2012-04-09 20:44 ID:JkObi53B

Heh. I thought the comparison was peculiar too.

>>14
I don't want to accept it from him but he keeps insisting; and does that bigtime so I don't know what to do. Even today he said we'd go get that guitar two months from now. I just shrug. I'm gonna have to take time and phrase it like coating a bitter pill.

Secondly, yes.
About the underwear guitar playing- not doing that.
And Trust me, I don't fancy big things or expensive stuff, leave alone getting an electric guitar, that too from him.
In accordance to what you said, I agree. Also, I don't want my love for Les Pauls to be killed.

He does listen to what I say. I know because he remembers each and everything. Even what we spoke on the first day we met.
He remembers all my favorite songs. Every single one of them.
He's been skyping me almost everyday since I left home. We have had serious conversations, like what I'd do after Uni and such. As far as caring goes, he is genuine and he isn't a pretender. Because he has even disclosed what a certain two faced 'friend' of mine had been talking behind my back and such.

16 Name: Femanon : 2012-04-09 20:46 ID:JkObi53B

(Contd)

>You don't like him, you don't want a relationship, and instead of listening to this and respecting you and trying to control his own feelings, all he's done is kept pushing his feelings on you. He's not interested in what you want, he's only interested in getting a relationship out of you.

That made me stop and read that. All he ever said was to give it a chance. (To which I went giving a 'chance' would be like handing a loaded gun to a child)
And after the trip to the beach. He phrased we're going out.
Now I'm like 'headxdesk, what have I gotten into and how in the world?'

I have no idea what is happening or what.

17 Name: Femanon : 2012-04-09 20:49 ID:JkObi53B

The spur of this discussion brings me to this:

As far as liking someone goes, the ones I like would like someone else, and the ones who like me- I don't feel about them the same way.

I haven't found anyone I feel like giving a chance. (I don't have a herd of girlfriends or whatever. Just a few people who I'm close to)

As much as I want to feel what it's like to love someone,
I just feel like I'm distancing myself more and more.
I can't trace out the reason, but all I feel is 'Ugh'.
So it's all just a stagnant mess.

Sometimes I think I'll never find somebody to love.

18 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-04-11 09:57 ID:HmfdyfW5

Whatever you do, have the decency not to give him the "let's just be friends" line.

Just do him a favor and be direct. You don't like him, quit leading him on and let him go. If you decide you do, however, then let him know. Just quit leading him on.

19 Name: Femanon : 2012-04-11 17:06 ID:aDqTUBlH

>>18
Last night, I told him I can't accept the Epiphone Les Paul.
He asked me why, I said there'd be trouble at home. To which he responded he could just say it was lying around unused and he decided to give it away. I told him firmly I didn't want it. He said alright.

>have the decency not to give him the "let's just be friends" line.

What should I say then? I honestly have no idea what to say or how to phrase it.

And I have no idea what I'm doing. Leading on or turning off or whatever the hell it is. I feel like I'm standing still and it's all moving it's way like a Merry-go-Round.

20 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-04-12 03:26 ID:HmfdyfW5

>>19
well, okay. Maybe you're not even doing anything, but he's the one who has these ideas. In that case, you should certainly be direct with him about your feelings. I can't tell you how to word it because you know this guy and I don't. Just, you know, be honest.

I was actually in your situation for a very long time, only it was the girl who was interested in me while I was not at all "in love" with her. But I went along with it because hell, I wasn't doing anything else. Years later, I regret not having been more honest with her. It was not fair to me, nor was it fair to her. This is just something you should consider.

21 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-04-16 19:31 ID:WbOB/9qI

This conversation was extremely interesting to read. One woman who really wants to connect with another person, but tries to achieve this with the wrong means and the other woman has never really processed the hurting that came from being connected to someone else; the second woman is also projecting like 2000 dollar Home Theater system.

22 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-04-20 15:58 ID:yjhsPUsB

>>19

Good on you for not accepting the Les Paul. That was the right thing to do.

I also disagree with >>18. Telling him you just want to be friends isn't leading him on, it's presenting what you want out of the relationship, and he is free to take or leave that as he wants. Just be very clear that that friendship is all you would want.

But because life isn't that easy, and because like I said before it sounds like he's not really listening to you, it's likely a situation will arise where he'll say he's okay with being friends, but is still holding out hope and expectations. Just be cautious and watch out for it, you know?

Negotiating relationships is hard. I sympathize with you, and I just hope things work out okay and you don't end up the bad guy in all of this, as is so often the case.

23 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-04-21 12:27 ID:iYWe1kGT

24 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-04-21 12:36 ID:iYWe1kGT

25 Name: Femanon : 2012-04-23 23:02 ID:LKeaJ7r4

>>22

Maybe the way I phrased it seems like I'm painted the wrong picture. He's always been there for me ever since I left to m country to study abroad. Some nights back here, there was horrifying thunder it scared me so much I cried. He told me to call on Skype at that moment and kept me company.
He's been very kind to me.

This happened on Sunday, I think. My sleep cycle is screwed, so here is something from a talk we had. I don't know how it came up, or which one of us started it, but he mentioned 'Talks regarding relationships are a grey-zone for the both of us'.
Again, I don't know how it came up, or which one of us started it.

Here's the a message I sent to him before he said that since we had a loopy talk. This was one of the two parts. One part just was regarding some random incident. This was the bit, as I phrased it, was 'that what makes me blue- matters of the heart, and seeking 'the one' :

"And about that what makes me blue- matters of the heart, and seeking 'the one'.
And how all this is, with you in the context:
About this whole asking out- why even bother giving it a shot and mislead like it's going somewhere and waste time for both sides?
Giving it a shot just for the heck of it would not be a smart thing to do.
We get along well as we are, but if we got together, it would be a deathwish.
It never works out when there isn't physical attraction.
So- If you gave me a shot, it would only be like tying a rock to your ankle.
You say it will be back to normal and you won't change if it doesn't work out. I say everything will come crumbling down in a rubble of negativity.
For the record- It's not EVER been you. It's me. It's always been me"

He told me that attraction isn't a key thing. I just can't seem to think otherwise. How can one be close if there won't be physical contact? I'm not talking about getting laid. I can't even picture merely cuddling or necking the guy. Feels uneasy.
Just not being attracted to a person who is very nice and seems perfect for you is quite something. I can't force myself to be attracted to someone.

26 Name: Femanon : 2012-04-29 01:18 ID:v8SEYMT4

So, when we talked a couple of days back, at one point in a spur of conversation, he stated himself that we're friends.

27 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-05-05 12:25 ID:RFyfn3gj

A wild 'Nice Guy' has appeared.
Nice guy uses "confession"
It was not very effective
Nice Girl uses "friendzone"
It was super effective
Nice Guy uses "endure"
Nice Girl is now confused. =P

I have to give props to you for not leading him on and making it clear to him that you have no intentions to date.
When there is no attraction there is nothing you can do... Don't force it, it won't end well.

Knowing the nice guy pattern... he is going to try his hardest to keep it normal. His first and foremost thought is going to be something like "I know she doesn't like me, so I am going to be her close friend and make her happy that way cause it makes me happy", but in the back of his mind is going to be a lingering thought of "maybe someday she will change her mind and give me a chance".

Be friends with him but with boundaries. Make sure that he knows that all you wish is to be friends at every instant and every occasion. And hopefully he will also put you in his own friendzone. The only way to make him stop liking you is when he knows he has 0 chance. Good luck with everything... keep us updated.
-Just another guy that got shot down by a nice girl.

28 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-05-12 07:19 ID:8mCNUZIl

All the talk about nice guys and nice girls and so on. It's all hesitation, humiliation, worrying and meaningless bullshit. Who has time for such things? Not me, I have fucking work to do. If this is romance, then romance isn't worth it.

29 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-05-13 07:45 ID:5WEaj77w

>>28

Good for you...?

30 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-05-13 15:29 ID:8mCNUZIl

>>29
So the fact that I don't let myself be dragged around by women is a bad thing? I do everything on my own terms, and I'm not a romantic. What's wrong with being rational about stuff like this? If a relationship is more trouble than it's worth, I walk away from it. I'd advise anyone else to do the same thing if they don't have children or some other obligation tying them down. Otherwise it's just a huge waste of time.

31 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-05-13 17:23 ID:xBYF+7z2

>>30

lol defensive much.

Here's the thing, no one cares. You're not a special snowflake because you reached this conclusion.

32 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-05-13 17:28 ID:8mCNUZIl

>>31
Who cares about anyone else on this board? We're all anonymous here. Did I say I was special? Fuck off.

33 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-05-14 17:49 ID:mgYDw2x8

>>32

Butthurt bitch.

34 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-05-16 05:44 ID:8mCNUZIl

>>33
I left the second grade a long time ago. Try a different insult.

35 Name: Secret Admirer : 2012-06-11 17:28 ID:Y77v4/YC

well...i think she's gone from here. wat I learned from this conversation: NEVER START A RELATIONSHIP IF YOU ARE NOT COMFORTABLE. Also, leading a person could only work if you don't do the same shit over and over again (like insisting an expensive guitar is a great gift). otherwise, it's just pushy. in the end, a relationship is about US...not you and me. if there is no togetherness...then it's already shit on the ground. good luck >>1.

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