It's just that I'm really torn between thoughts.
I always thought of saving up for 'the special one' or something. But it doesn't look like I'm having any luck in that department at all. And as much as people say 'Aww that's sweet' I'm starting to think it's a pointless wait offlate. And being frisky doesn't help.
This shitty Heart of mine feels it to be like a Christmas present only 'he' will unwrap (and 'he' doesn't look like he's gonna show up)
At the same time, it feels like I'm just torturing myself with deprivation, and I'm only being abstinent by the singular fears of being devalued if I'm not a virgin.

Here's what scares me - say, if I did lose my virginity, and then I start to see someone, would he just overlook every other aspect of my kindness/awesomeness/niceness, because of some...ruptured layer? Because I had sex before?
Like, everything would be going fine till he finds out I'm not a virgin and perhaps he'd not like me as much (and leave) or something?

I'm hearing various points of view, like some say they're okay if the girl isn't a virgin, and some don't seem okay.
I don't know what they truly think.

You know what I think, Grey?
I think everyone should just go do what they want without being judged. Happy sexytime for everyone!
No worries, no anxieties.
Like, 'Yes he had sex, she had sex. They ALL had sex'
So, since all would've had sex...noone would have stupid possession issues or insecurity worries.
It will solve a LOT of things- No more Slut-shaming. No Judging. And no GUILT.