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"Can we just be friends?" (36)

1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-10-13 09:22 ID:71gdmU+h

Is it customary to leave someone alone after you use this line? I mean, whenever I say it, I actually mean it. I literally carry on as if nothing has happened, although I'm slightly more wary of how I act around them. However, every time I've remained friends with them, they always seem to interpret as a window of opportunity. Before long, they get all sweet again, but now under the guise of "friendship". They say that they understand we are "just friends", but what they say, and what they do, totally contradict. I'm not the kind of person who would lead someone on, but perhaps I am doing it wrong by staying friends with them in the first place?

2 Name: Keith : 2007-10-13 11:16 ID:V393O8h7

funny, my gf just broke up with me because she wasnt sure whether she was prepared for a commitment. anyways, she told me we could still see each other but it'll be like friends. she still likes me but just wasnt prepare, that window of opportunity is what i see, haha, im not taking advantage of it, no, i just like being around her but saying can we just be friends will always leave that thought of a window of opportunity to them.

3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-10-13 13:04 ID:1yTvAMZG


That's exactly how it was with my ex. She decided to break with me and be friends. I was ok with it, sad and all, but why not. I even told her that if she wants to get back together later, she should be serious about it. We got together again after a short while and started all over - but she decided to break again! At that point I was crushed and didn't want to speak with her for several weeks in fear that I might say something nasty in anger. I got over it, but she kept bugging me meet for a talk. She wanted to talk about our past relationship. I was prepared to have a friendly meeting and just talk about stuff and I also told to her I don't want to talk about us, what we had. I was prepared to move on as friends even though she crushed me twice... And then a few days later after our meeting I notice she no longer has me listed as a friend in her IM. I ask her about it over a text on the cell and she writes back that we should probably not see each other for a while. At that point I was finally like -WHATEVER!- and just deleted her email and cell phone number and crossed her off in my mind as a has-been-don't-wanna-waste-any-more-time. Something I should have done after we broke for the first time...

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4 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-10-13 20:49 ID:Aj4xBUFW

My girlfriend broke up with me a few nights ago saying we were better off as friends. I said no, because I still had feelings for her. Why hang around a girl you want but can't have? Seems retarded to me. Haven't seen or talked to her since, and I do miss her, but I know I'll get over her. You can't get over someone if they are always in your face, which is why I find it ridiculous how people claim to be friends with their ex without any other motive.

5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-10-13 21:55 ID:8VU7Cm1z

it's ok to be friends. you just can't hang around alot lie you sed too. you gotta really treat them as just a friend. instead of hanging around them every freaking day, every other day is better. once a week even.

6 Name: MC 900 Ft Jesus : 2007-10-13 23:07 ID:gHspg8tW

With the exception of >>5, there is actually good advice in this thread. There's hope for this board after all, it seems.

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-10-13 23:24 ID:8VU7Cm1z

it works for me. girl broke up me. i was sad, put some space between me and her and i moved on. we are still good friends though. talking to each other many times after that.

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8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-10-14 02:15 ID:XJHlmvag

i've never had a girlfriend before but i find that been friends with girls is very easy, i do start liking them abit too much, but i hide it, i find it easier to hide it, in my univerity i have 9 female friend, i talk to them everyday, whenever they are in or whoever i see first, i started liking three of them abit too much, thinking about them too, i would love to til one of them but i find it easier to stay friend, anyway there this girl very beautiful, i never got to speak to her, but one of female friend recommended that i speak to her because she feels bored and new to my univerity and it would be good for her to have a friend like me cuz i like talking to people, i assume at the end i probably be good friend.

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9 Name: OP : 2007-10-16 01:41 ID:71gdmU+h

I never really saw it from the guy's perspective. When I said I wanted to remain friends with them, I thought it was in their best interest. I didn't want to always avoid them, or have awkward conversations. Plus, they're not my exes, just people who've asked me out. So it's not like we have a history, that only time can heal so of thing. I guess I like people to feel comfortable around me. But it seems like being comfortable around a guy who's confessed to you, is interpreted as a sign that you're interested in him.

10 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-10-16 03:20 ID:nNBLpr9a

when guys want to be friends, it's because they want a chance to get back with a girl. when girls want to be friends, it's because they don't wanna feel like the bad guy, or awkward if they see you somewhere in the future.

11 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-10-20 20:04 ID:eLt7oHlF

I think guys are a little stupid about the "just friends" thing. There was this guy in my Japanese class last year (my first year at University, I might add) who seemed very nice and he was the only one who'd talk to me really so I would talk to him in class and occasionally out of class (going to lunch or walking back to my dorm/etc). After about a week he decided that he was desperately in love with me to the point that he'd even kill himself if I'd asked (and the only thing he really knew about me was that I also enjoyed anime!). So, I told him that I wasn't interested in him, or anyone period at the moment but wouldn't mind being friends with him (I now realize how stupid that was, but he was the closest thing to a friend I'd made all semester).

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12 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-10-20 20:28 ID:1yTvAMZG

>>11 It's diffrent in your case - you two were not romanticaly involved and you outright told the guy so - he should have had enough intelligence to ge it after the third time I suppose :)

But... if you two would have been romanticaly involved for some time and then you decided that you don't want to be anything more than a friends with the guy - that there is the problematic part for us guys :( How does one be a friend to a girl he loves, but she does not love one back? It's like the girl said to the guy "Ok, I don't like you enough to date you anymore and I'll find someone else who is better than you. But meanwhile I'll say to you I want to still be friends so that I don't feel to bad for dumping you." No matter what you girls say to a guy after dumping him, this is what the dumped guy hears in his head. Saying you want to be friends with a guy you just dumped is like the most cruel thing a girl can do to a guy.

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13 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-10-20 20:49 ID:eLt7oHlF

>>11 here, thanks for the support. I'm just glad to know I'm not the only one who thought that was messed up.

I definately agree though, that asking a guy to 'be friends' after dumping him is inconsiderate of his feelings (though I supose if you were good friends before and only dated for a short period and it was a more-or-less mutual breakup then maybe it could work out). I think it seems kind of pathetic to have been romantically involved with someone but not be able to be honest enough with that person to tell them how you feel directly about it not working out (then again, I wouldn't really know I've never been in a romantic relationship to speak of). I think the trouble might be steming from the girl wanting to make it clear that she holds no antimocity toward the guy she's breaking up with (like, to indicate that it's not an "I think you're unpleasent and have no redeeming qualities so I want to have nothing to do with you!" sort of thing but rather something to the effect of, "I'm sorry, I'm don't want to hurt you but I don't think we're right for each other. Please don't think of me unkindly, I have no ill feelings toward you.") Though I can see how it comes off the way you described.

14 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-10-21 00:23 ID:AX2c99YW

My girl told me to just be friends and that she had been talking to her ex and they were getting back together I never once talked to her again even though she texted me called me and even found her at places. As for her boyfriend I am not mad at him anymore specially after busting his jaw. My advise is this: Men endure your loneliness and stay that way. Women make a new excuse.

15 Name: lol : 2007-10-21 07:04 ID:07spR04c

in the word's of buzz lightyear, Friend is just another word for Loser

Girls ask to be friends because they can not deal with being a jerk. Or at least, not deal with people knowing they are being a jerk. They have a need for approval if not from you, from their friends and family.

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16 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-10-21 15:26 ID:eLt7oHlF


Guys aren't the only ones who are lonely, do you people ever bother to think of it from the girl's perspective on occasion? Do you have any idea how much social bullshit we have to put up with? It's not just that girls don't want to be jerks it's that it's not as forgivable for a girl to come off like that. Chances are if a girl's more blunt about it than "let's just be friends" she'll be labled a bitch.

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17 Name: lol : 2007-10-21 20:25 ID:07spR04c


what is going to happen if you get labeled a bitch for being honest? Wouldn't the guy be in the wrong then? How is it not forgivable? Hell, your status with most men around you would go up for being direct and honest. In this day and age men would rather be told to fuck off than to be a friend. We want the same respect you'd give a damn dog. Fine, you don't want romance, cool, but give us respect. Stop manipulating us and stop lieing to us because YOU can't deal with your peers. Don't break our hearts three times in a row by denying us romance, denying us a friendship, and then denying us basic human respect. We are not objects to be manipulated because our advances are inconvenient to you.

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18 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-10-21 21:13 ID:eLt7oHlF


Look, for me personally, I agree that the "I just want to be friends" thing is stupid. But you can't condem all girls that use it as being selfish. They're trying to spare the guy's feelings more than anything else.

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19 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-10-21 21:53 ID:0FmULhRx

Yeah 17, you're a complete fucktard. Seriously. "Those kind of guys are lonely on a level that you've probably never known and you are probably the first girl in a long time that was worthwhile and atractive to come into their life." ?!
Fuck you. You guys all claim you want the "smart, cool, available girls", who are independent and hot and all other sorts of things, and yet when one walks in who is, according to guys, their every fantasy come to life, you all pull some bullshit where you're "intimidated" by her. You think lonlieness? Fuck you. I've never had a date or a kiss in my entire fucking life, and yet I'm 1.) Racked 2.) Trim 3.) Insanely smart 4.) Hot 5.) Strong, independent, assertive, whatever. Point is, I'm the full package here, and guys just don't want me. The problem with all you guys is that you all have a "fair-maiden" complex. You all want your chicks to "need" you, for you to be their knight in shinning armor. And so when a girl who is a complete package comes along and doesn't "need" a guy in her life, but sure would love to go on some dates and have some fun, you reject her. Because none of you out there want a woman; you just all want some girl to dominate.

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20 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-10-21 22:36 ID:e8cMAcun

As soon as you hear "just friends" get the fuck out, do not pass go, do not collect $200 because you're setting yourself up for frustration, insanity and looking like a pussy in the eyes of other women.
Heck if your female "friend" starts talking shit about you, that's going to work in your favor. Broads love jerks and guys who will treat them like shit.

21 Name: Completely Different Anonymous : 2007-10-21 22:55 ID:e8cMAcun

Whoa there, kitten. Haven't you given any thought that your five qualities are pushing men away from you?
Most men out of common respect will see, as you claim, a hot woman with a rack and all that jazz and automatically think she's attached and most likely your significant other would beat the face of that potential suitor who gave you the once over at Starbucks?

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22 Name: lol : 2007-10-22 00:17 ID:07spR04c


spare his feelings from what? Being hurt? Well try to look at the bigger picture then. Being told that you are not interested in a romantic relationship, and there is a strong chance you will not change your mind is far less painful than being told "you'd like to be friends." The first response can be gotten over in a week or two, maybe even quicker if he has enough since to find another girl. The second just drags out longer and longer.

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23 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-10-22 00:24 ID:8VU7Cm1z

Once wrong with wanting someone to dominate?

Then again, I'm a bit into BSDM and powerplay. so eh.

24 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-10-22 01:15 ID:a5eaRwBZ

The "Just friends" card's only played because most people can't really think of a better solution. Really, it's not limited to girls, so I don't see why people are so pissed off at females.

I'm a girl, and I've had three boyfriends in my short life, all of which ended up dumping me, and they all pretty much played the "Let's be friends" card, which I heartily accepted, after some time with some space away from them so I wouldn't become a drama queen. It worked quite well, I'm still friends with them, and there's no animosity. My roommate's ex did the same thing, telling her "let's be friends" when they broke it off. It's not just girls that do it at all, and it's really not so bad if both parties can at least try and be mature about it.

25 Name: lol : 2007-10-22 04:45 ID:07spR04c


I think a key thing that you did that made it work, was that you got distance to let yourself get over things. A lot of guys don't get that distance, either because the girl or they are the guy is clingy and too stupid to realize some space would be good for him.

26 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-10-22 07:02 ID:eLt7oHlF


What's so hard to understand about the "sparing his feeings" part? If a girl pulls the just friends things she doesn't want to be mean to the guy. Again, she's trying to say that "Hey, you're not an unpleasent person, but I don't think romance is going to work out." I don't see how that's so hard to follow.

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27 Name: lol : 2007-10-22 07:56 ID:07spR04c


the problem is that "just friends" doesn't mean what you are saying it means. "Hey, you're not an unpleasant person, but I don't think romance is going to work out" is NOT implied. You should know by now that men take things very literal. You should say what you mean the first time. "Just friends" means "I want to be your friend" to a guy. It doesn't say anything about the future, which is why most unexperienced young men keep trying after they get the friend speech.

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28 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-10-22 08:44 ID:eLt7oHlF


So your definition of the word "friend" is someone who's potentially interested in you romantically?

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29 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-10-22 09:09 ID:8VU7Cm1z

The whole guy confusion about friends is mostly thanks to women.

Yea, you all hate me but listen while I explain. Many times I tend to hear alot of girls say that they want to start out as friends before going further. I've even seen it on the media many a times. Guys are sadly brainwashed to believe that the friend zone for women is a good thing for them. I don't know how the hell it started, I just know the women have sadly been enforcing it for a while now(although that has been changing... atleast in the media lately.)

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30 Name: lol : 2007-10-22 11:01 ID:07spR04c


ok, so two of them are gay? The rest are not gay. It sounds like you are selling them pretty short. The fact is that in the world we live in now, very few people actually ask other people out for "dates." A lot of the time it just happens. A lot of the time it starts out as a borderline friendship. You're probably shooting yourself in the foot by waiting for some guy to ask you out, or putting the pressure on yourself to meet a guy you think is cool. I'd consider starting a relationship with the next new friend you get that you have any interest in. I know that is how a lot of girls get boyfriends.

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31 Name: lol : 2007-10-22 11:08 ID:07spR04c


heh, well, a KIND of friend can go further. The playful, witty, kind of jackass "friend" can get all the girls he wants.

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32 Name: lol : 2007-10-22 11:17 ID:07spR04c


"So your definition of the word "friend" is someone who's potentially interested in you romantically?"

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33 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-10-22 12:13 ID:eLt7oHlF


I didn't say I don't think my friends are unattractive or dumb, quite the contrary. Just there's no attraction between us so there's no reason I would persue any of them or they would persue me. Just because someone's smart or attractive doesn't mean they'd nessicarily be compatible with you romantically. It has nothing to do with them being 'beneath' any standard, just there's no interest there (but then again, maybe I'm a weird case, I've never had an interest in anyone romantically period).

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34 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-10-22 13:17 ID:eLt7oHlF


Ehe.. and of course by "I didn't say I don't think my friends are unattractive or dumb" I meant "I didn't say I think my friends are unattractive or dumb"

35 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-10-22 13:20 ID:PYSkEuiA


> but then shouldn't he take the initiative to say "I'm sorry, I don't think I can be just friends."
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36 Name: lol : 2007-10-22 16:37 ID:Kqz2vKwb


but then shouldn't he take the initiative to say "I'm sorry, I don't think I can be just friends."

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