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to get over? (6)


1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2007-10-16 22:00 ID:oXSaHBbf

Some time ago I've been rejected by a girl; she friended me. (Do they realize how fucking cruel the word "friend" is? How it hurts and destroys person's whole life?) I realize I'm a fool for not realizing sooner that she doesn't want me (or maybe not wanting to let go off hope by confessing sooner) but what's done is done, and now I'm seriously fucked up.
The problem is that we are still friends. We talk sometimes on IM, and we see each other at school. And, as it was to expect, I still love her. I'm very happy when I can talk to her; just meeting her makes me feel better. But at the same time it's very painful. I would give away my whole life just for being able to hug her once. I always want to tell something nice to her, something that would show how much I care about her, and I always remember that this is one thing I'm not allowed to say. After all these months I still think about her all the time.
I'm scared this will last, and I won't be able to move on. I figured out I should do something really violent with my mind, and that thing would be - apologizing & explaining the situation to her and asking to stop everything that's going on between us. No more friendly talk, she's dead to me, she doesn't exist. And eventually, some day, I maybe will be able to forget and move on.
(Strange that I actually want her to know how much I suffer right now...)
Obviously I don't like this idea. Once I make the decision, there will be no going back, and it looks in some way like chickening out - for that reasons I compare it to a suicide. And suicide is generally not a good idea.
Another problem is that it would be very awkward because we have common friends, and, well, see each other at school. So I can't just completely erase her from my mind.
But what can I do to stop being insane about her? Right now I'm just... dead - I feel like I will never be able to be happy again, and there will never be anyone that I could love like I love this girl. It won't end by itself, this much I know. Yet saying goodbye to her would feel much, much worse...

Sorry for babbling so much, there is probably no solution for me, just wanted to write about it.