I posted this in the singles rant thread, but more specifically, I'm looking for some advice. I know it'll probably be the same old same old, but I really don't care right now.
I'm 19, never been on a date with a girl, never held hands, etc. I haven't really had any female friends either (unless it's through another one of my male friends). According to some of them though, I'm very attractive (which I still can't bring myself to attribute that to myself) and really shouldn't have any trouble meeting someone.
Two things girls love to talk about: themselves and other people.
Let's say in fencing club a girl you've got eyes on has a certain technique or style. Compliment her on it and ask her about it. Or if you see someone else doing something unusual make a wisecrack about it. If you're "very attractive" you should have no problem getting a positive response. Talk to them like you're doing them a favor. Don't look like some wall flower begging for attention.
Don't bother trying to find a girlfriend right off the bat.
First practise speaking with women that you find unattractive or interesting and non-threatening, just casually or as friends.
You should find it easier, and it will get easier the more you do it.
The thing is, I don't have a problem actually talking to women I think. At the least it's not some sort of fear of women themselves. I'm very comfortable talking with the ones that I do know, but that's perhaps because I've come to know them through other people (ie. I'm with a group of people I'm already comfortable with).
make sure you try and be yourself. Don't try to pretend to be somebody you're not.
Yeah. The thing is, I don't think I could be anyone but myself. The problem, I suppose, is that I am less of myself when meeting people. I'm more shy and reserved and gradually open up to someone the more I know them. Of course, it would seem that that would be somewhat natural.
I'm in the same situation, only I'm female. Just started school and have no one I can really talk to, because I suck at striking up friendships with people who haven't been introduced to me by someone else. I have a habit of hiding my real self (which is quite wacky) when I first meet people, which makes me a bit boring.
Op, I'm in the same situation as you.
I just know that most of the things I love wouldn't interest the majority of people I meet. The bands I listen to are obscure, I don't watch much TV, I don't enjoy sports, and I can't carry on a decent conversation about clothes unless I'm talking about tailcoats and top-hats.
>My biggest problem is getting intimidated by the people who look like they might have something in common with me. :/
I know that one too. Also, given I'm smart and well cultured, I'm used to leading the conversations and 'teaching' stuff to others. When I meet people on my level, I'm scared because it's an unusual situation, when people know as much as me (or sometimes more!), and I don't know well how to handle the conversation.
I'm (mostly) okay with well-educated people, even though I'm relatively well-educated too. Almost all of the people I get along well with are intelligent and read a lot, even if not all of them are in college or planning to go to college. A lot of the time I don't actually talk about academic or even very serious things, but it's kind of hard for me to carry on a conversation with people who, well, aren't as well-educated as me.
Most of you seem pretty young, and might come out of your shell eventually.
I, however, am 30. Making new friends is difficult, and I'm losing touch with my old friends. Just getting people to have dinner is like pulling teeth.
I'm well on my way to becoming >17. Even the friends I had been close with since I was 8 I lost touch with as soon as high school ended. And again in college, I instantly lost touch with all of my new friends the moment we walked across the stage.
AMNESIA: The twist of kings
Beyond simple small talk, I've never bothered to make conversation with store clerks. I'm there to make a purchase and they are there to facilitate that process. The relationship is strictly business.
I feel the same. If you want to engage in conversation with someone you're doing business with, then make it the kind of business where there are huge amounts of time otherwise doing nothing. Like the hairdresser, or a masseuse.
Oh, I hate it when the hairdresser tries to talk to me. Every person who has ever cut my hair is a vapid idiot who asks things like "Did you see American Idol last night?" Now, I could go off on a tangent about how Ameican Idol is proof that American culture is doomed, but this is not the venue for that particular rant. But as I was saying, the hairdresser should be doing less talking and more focusing, especially when she's got the unfriendly end of a pair of scissors two inches from my eyeball.
Hairdressers cut peoples hair day in day out for years. I think they can handle simple conversation while doing it.
Hairdressers/Barbers are great. The only problem is when you run out of things to say and they don't seem to keen on starting up new conversations. Then it's just a semi-awkward 15 minutes or so.
> especially when she's got the unfriendly end of a pair of scissors two inches from my eyeball.
Maybe don't bring up religion or politics, then.
I'm in the same position as OP. I noticed today at the bookstore that I had everything planned out and I froze.. I couldn't do anything.. and stood there as I watched my target walk out the door.
It was mainly because I couldn't think of a reason to talk to her in fear that she might think "whoa a stranger just walked up to me and said Hi.. how weird!" and even if I did say hi, what else would I say... talk about the book that she was looking at without even knowing what it was about...
That's not what she will think. She will think "a guy's talking to me, therefore he's interested in me." As for the actual reaction, that always depends on the person.
I'm pretty bad with this stuff myself. I can sit down and list the problems I have and the things I'm supposed to do in certain situations. But when it happens in reality I completely freeze up, unless the girl is someone I'm not interested in. This is what they seem to call "love shy", where you're not shy unless the person is a potential mate, and then your brain will do anything to prevent your happiness. Since there is a word for it, I know I'm not the only one.
>I noticed today at the bookstore that I had everything planned out and I froze.. I couldn't do anything.. and stood there as I watched my target walk out the door.
I've been noticing more and more that planning everything out doesn't work. I can't count the times when I've seen someone who looked interesting, and I immediately came up with something to say... but didn't say it, because I had to stop... plan... then try and rally the courage to say something, which I ultimately never do.
Don't get me wrong, I don't know this. But, it looks a lot easier for a girl to approach a guy than a guy approaching a girl. At least, you'll get more of a positive reaction.
Not so much when you're fugly like me. =D I just try and ignore the fact that they're a potential mate and treat them like some random interesting human being I've happened across.
Blah if I'm interested in someone I just open my mouth and talk. I used to be all shy and scared to say things. Often I would plan things out but when it came down to it, I would freeze up.
In all seriousness, talking to a girl is no big deal. Stop thinking "oh noes, what am I going to say/She's going to think I'm weird" and so on, because it's all bullshit. The worst she can do is give you the brush off and if she does, so what? One thing you can't be afraid of is being turned down because it's bound to happen one time or another. Just say fuck her and move on to the next one.
> I think in part I may have an issue in regards to devaluing my own self worth and assume that because no one approaches me, that no one would want me approaching them.
This guy knows what's up. Listen to him.
Also, it helps not to be a fat, slobbery, disgusting bastard. Get a little moderate exercise and take a shower once a day, if you don't already. It'll help you feel mucho better about things.
>>Yup listen to 31. I'm a female,nd it's like this; if some guy I don't know comes up and starts talkng to me, whether he's fugly or really hot, it's all the same- i'm usualy happy to talk to them and don't automaicaly think they're interested in me etc. But then, if some random guy comes up and talks to me, and he seems nervous to talk to me, it' awkward or somethin like that then I think 'poor guy.. i think he's interested in me and nervous...', and if i don't think he ooks like my type, i'll make an excuse to go away from him. Of course, if it's a hot but nervous/not confdent guy, i'll ask something like 'you see pretty interesting.. wanna ohave coffee sometime?' and give him my phone number.
ack my post is a mess!
There's been some good advice here, from 31, 34, et al. What I really need to do is better myself. I'm certainly not drooling or unclean, but I'm still a fucking whale. I've tried to do something about this.
> I spent over a year going to the gym three times a week...the muscle building up underneath the mountain of blubber caused to me gain weight.
I hope you weren't doing benchpresses or something similar.
>>I need to keep trying to make something of myself so I can walk outside with my head held high. Then everything else will come naturally.
So, you're overweight, who cares. Some of the funniest people are overweight. Overweight guys can wear baggy clothes and look good in them, skinny people like myself can't do that.
OP here. I haven't really gotten anywhere with anything, but I still have another question to pose.
How would one go about striking up a conversation with someone that they see on the street (on the way to class more specifically). Or any advice pertaining to that. I'm sure it's somewhat similar, but still I'm curious. Especially because I've seen far more attractive women on the way to class rather than in class.
Find something distinct about the girl you want to strike up a conversation with. Make a comment about the distinction and ask a question. Like:
you: Nice Mojave 3 t-shirt. Which is your favorite album?
Maybe you already tried this. But sometimes it doesn't matter how much exercise you do if you don't drink enough water. And i mean WATER, nothing else. And a lot of water. Also drinking a glass of icy water before a meal is said to make you less hungry.
I have a question, if you don't know if a girl has no interest in you..meaning she doesn't look at you or smile at you.. but you have a slight interest in her is it still alright to walk up and talk to her and ask her out?
Depends how you approach her I guess. I mean most of the time you'd have to have something to "click" before she says yes. Otherwise you'd tend to hear the "Sorry, I don't really know you, but we can be friends" response.
Of course she doesn't really know you. That's what dating is supposed to be for. If you knew someone completely before going out, how uninteresting would life be?
Over the weekend my friends and I met up. One of them invited a woman he had met recently on an internet dating site. She's cute, likes all of the things I like, and is just a generally fun person. Now, since she was supposed to be beginning to date him (this was their first time meeting up), I approached it with the attitude that, instead of trying to impress her and whatnot, I would just hang out and chat.
Haha, yeah. I get what you're trying to say though.
Well after a few mins of conversation, if both of you are relaxed and enjoying the conversation, smile frantically, throw your hand and say "oh, by the way, my name's Secret Admirer! nice to meet you!" or something like that. This will usually drive people to give you their name back with your smile, and contributes to the enjoyableness of the situation. Also, it'll associate you/your name with a "smiling" moment, which is not only a good thing but probably one of the best way to have them remember you, and moreover as a cool person.
something i've been doing is going to a language exchange class. at virtually every lesson, there's a new person to teach/learn from, so in a way it's really a kind of training for meeting strangers and striking up conversations with them. yeah, sure, sometimes there's those awkward pauses and you don't know how to continue. sometimes you just come to realize you don't really mesh with the other person. hell one lesson, i thought a girl was asking me out, i wasn't interested and i turned her down, but she wasn't actually hitting on me (i misunderstood with the language barrier, etc). and you really learn how to deal with these things and realize that as the lesson ends, you move on, which is the same thing you can do in real life as well. and that's when you come to have another lesson and meet someone new and have a wonderful conversation.
Awkward pauses are my problem. Well, if I find someone of the same type they're not. But normals are another story entirely. Once they question me on sports and all the other things I'm not interested in, the conversation dies.
its a game of inches my friend! take whatever the opposition is willing to give ya! if a girl is only small talking with you, then just small talk back! i know its hard, especially when you say you are shy. I am shy too. but if a girl comes up to me and starts shootin the breeze with me, then that takes the pressure off of me having to bring the whole ice breaker type convo. so if a girl gives u an inch, take it!
Ok, I'm hearing all of the "Just talk naturally", etc stuff, but my question is this : How do you even do that? I'm often not thinking "I'm interested int his girl" when I try to talk to someone, I'm just trying to even find something to say, and trying to not be so nervous on my own feelings of inadequacy In General, whether it's a guy Or a girl I'm talking to/Wanting to walk to.
I tried this out and it works pretty good.
-Go to a book store and find the big yellow and black 'Dating for Dummies' book