>>1 here, thank you for your insightful words. I'll continue from where I left off, as this is when things began to go downhill.
After my friend came to visit, I found things began to go the opposite of what they used to. I became a lot more open (maybe too open sometimes) about how I felt, and she, instead of poking fun at me to be open minded and 'get my goat' so to speak, began to back away. It seemed the more I talked about how she was 'the most important person to me' and that I cared about her a lot, the more she laughed it off and tried to be casual. She's someone who doesn't like to appear 'weak'. So to make up for her small build and girly voice, she tries to act tough/strong/independent (she's admitted to this herself). This, however, most of the time just comes off as being a complete asshole, and was the basis of a lot of our arguments. I becoming too clingy, and her too reserved.
For about half a year, we'd planned to go to anime con together. Weaboo jokes aside, it was a big step forward for someone like me who doesn't get out much. However, I had a lot of fun and didn't feel any of the usual tension between us. That is, until we decided to go to a dance one of the nights. I was very nervous around so many people I didn't know, and she soon left me to dance with other people. While I was sitting aside, I suddenly noticed one of her partners attempting to what looked like kiss her. Furious, I took and lead her out of the room as she hastily tried to brush the situation off. She seemed a bit frazzled, so I asked her if the guy had really kissed her. She said yes and I, without thinking, kissed her on the cheek in return. She just laughed at this and then mentioned something about having to wash her mouth out. I then asked her..if the guy had kissed her on the lips. She said yes, and..before I knew it I had done the same.
It was brief, and my mind was so clouded I didn't think about what I had done as we silently returned to our room. A long argument commenced after this concerning my continued and unheeded warnings for her to be careful around the guys there, and her angry at my 'overreacting'. Eventually I broke down in tears from the stress of the entire night(something I rarely ever do, and never in front of others), even confessing to her that was my first kiss. At this she backed off, trying her best to comfort me. That night we slept in the same bed and I can say without question, even with all the incidents, that I had never felt more happy in my life before than being able to be so close to her.
That was almost 6 months ago and, aside from a long heartfelt discussion about the matter right after we returned, we never talk about those events. We haven't stopped fighting, and even though she at first apologized for 'leading me on', she now blames me for becoming too extreme in my swing from one side of the emotional spectrum to the other.
I have been keeping this situation to myself almost exclusively, as any friends either are also aquainted with this girl or wouldn't take me seriously if I expressed the fact that I care strongly for another woman. I don't want to kill over 4 years of friendship. We've shared too many things and know too much about each other. However, I cannot simply extinguish the fact I love her dearly, almost obssessively sometimes. Despite our fights, she has never attempted to cut off the relationship. She will simply hate me one day, and then we go back to being fine the next. To be honest, I think it's slowly starting to destroy me. The more she pushes me away, the more I realize I can't be without her. What should I do anon...?