[continued from above]
We decided to cut it short in light of the extreme discomfort the heat was causing, and off we were back to my doorstep. We chatted a bit, making lame jokes as usual. After all of that mental preparation, I chickened out again using the fact that he was carrying a grocery bag as an excuse not to go through with it. Finally we started our goodnights; we both said we had a great weekend and I made certain to say that I "enjoy our time together above everything else," to which he replied, "Ah, same here." And then it happened again: we were both standing and staring and I swear his eyes were glittering in the dim light of a far off street lamp. Just silently staring right into each other's eyes. I blanked out again, it was such a strange feeling, such a strange thing to be doing. I couldn't speak, couldn't move, couldn't break eye contact. That would have been painful. Staring, staring, staring. He wasn't smiling exactly, but his face was somehow pleasant. I probably looked like a suffocating guppy. Staring, staring-- no words, just eyes. I could have stayed like that forever. And suddenly he was moving. Forward. Arms around me. Mine around him. Holding. Lasting. Involuntarily went up on my tippy-toes. I squeezed really hard. I let go and so did he. Then suddenly I was on my steps and saying good bye. He made a joke and I made a reply that didn't make any sense at all and I was dizzy and light and happy and he'll call me when he's home and now I'm in side I'm shutting my door-- and I literally fell to the floor. Breathing heavily and not moving for minutes.
The hug was still pretty A-frameish; our bodies didn't touch much. His arms were around my shoulders again, though wrapped a bit more closely than last time, and mine went around his shoulders and back. When I squeezed extra hard, he didn't return the squeeze. But he didn't let go until I did this time.
He called me when he got home. Our conversation was smooth and absolutely normal. We've emailed each other since as well with no mention of the hug from either party. I guess that eliminates the possibility of feeling awkward about it and I shouldn't worry that the hug didn't actually mean anything. Err, right?
Excited and intoxicated as I am by this, I have a nagging feeling that I somehow forced him to do it. On the one hand I think that's stupid; I didn't force his arms around me nor did I initiate it. And if he didn't want to do it, he could've just said, "good night" and left. Yet I worry that he did it because I looked like I expected him to and he didn't want to hurt my feelings. Like by not saying anything during the silence and staring I made him take action to make it not-awkward. Is that possible? I'm so paranoid and confused.
I just keep seeing his eyes, glittering and locked on mine. And that feeling, that alien feeling I've never had before in the entire time I've been alive. It's been over 48 hours since it happened, and yet every time I think about it (and I've gone back to it over and over and over and--), I involuntarily start breathing heavily and feel weak. I've been having trouble falling asleep, thinking about it sends a bolt of light through my head and a shockwave through my body. I've had to hold a pillow in my arms to fall asleep lately.
I know this is a lot to read at once, but I'll appreciate any advice or observations. And of course, I'll update as I can. Thank you, again, everyone. This feeling is so wonderful. This is the closest I've ever been to having a mutual love-based relationship and it's exciting, enthralling, scary, confusing, new, and so many other things at once. I am deeply grateful for the support and care I have received from this board. Whether surprising or not I haven't many friends "in real life," so your anonymous advice is the best I'll get anywhere. Thank you again, all of you.