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What's in a hug? (81)

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-07-23 05:48 ID:cd7aZPnO

I am a girl.

I appreciate all of the advise so far. Sometimes I'm dead certain that he feels the same way about me, and other times I feel like I'm totally wrong. I'm at a breaking point as far as needing physical contact from him goes. When I think about holding hands or hugging him, my knees go soft and my chest and stomach start floating. When I think of kissing him, I feel faint. I fantasize about tripping, falling into him and him catching me, I fantasize about falling asleep next to him, I think a lot about how wonderful it would be if he just put his arm around me. It's mostly innocent stuff (though admittedly not entirely so), and I want it so badly. Just some mutually enjoyable physical contact initiated by him.

The hand squeezing thing rings with me. Last winter, we took walks together through town frequently and most of the winter included sidewalks caked in ice. We had to be very cautious and walk slowly to keep from falling down. Really, we shouldn't have been out there in it for safety's sake, but walking around town was at that time the only way we could spend time together. One day as we walked side by side, navigating an especially treacherous stretch of sidewalk, I saw his hand sticking out toward me. I thought he was holding it out to me to help me keep my balance, and I grabbed it. "Taking hold of my tattered mit for balance? Ha!" I realized that he wasn't holding his hand out to me at all, he was only trying to balance himself. But, we held (gloved) hands the rest of the block. At the next patch of ice, we took hands again. It became automatic. Ice - hands. Ice - hands. (Thankfully) the ice lasted all season, and every time we walked (about once a week), we took hands to cross ice together. But it wasn't just a leisurely hand holding session full of meaning; we had an excuse and it was guised on my part as purely for safety. But even as the ice started melting and wasn't much of a threat any more, we took hands at even the smallest patch. The very last time we took hands, when the ice was all but gone, he squeezed mine. Not hard, but it was very noticeable. Prior to that, the hand holding had been light. This time our hands met and gripped lightly, and suddenly his was gently squeezing mine. I instantly got dizzy and felt like my hand was rolling around in his. I forgot how to speak and flushed red, and didn't think to squeeze his back. Then he let go. That squeeze has stayed with me though and remembering it always makes me happy. There were no words or explanations. And I wish very badly that I could have held my head together and squeezed back.

That squeeze thing happened back in January or so, though, and I can't auger something that happened so long ago and expect it to hold weight on how I think he may feel about me today. Haaarg.

Girls are supposed to be touchy-feely and grab arms and caress hands and thighs without needing a reason; it's just something females are expected to do. But I don't like touching people. It's uncomfortable. I worry that not touching him for any reason may be sending negative signals. How much weight do guys place on how often a girl willingly touches you?