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Falling for my best friend (41)


1 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-12-03 06:06 ID:wC90Alm4

I have a friend. We've never labeled each other as "best friends," but it's sort of an unspoken thing between me and her. We share a lot of the same interests, been there for each other during some tough times in the past, and more importantly, she tells me she trusts me more than anyone else in her life, and I trust her as well. Other friends have remarked that we're almost like brother and sister.

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2 Name: Otakun : 2008-12-03 06:25 ID:ivEzoutV

I was in your shoes during high school, same drama... Years later I found out had I asked her out she would have said yes!

OP, answer me, do you believe that you could make her happy? Do you think that you could be there for her when she needs you in the future? If you said yes, then why not go for it? You can't let the classic dilemma of "If I ask my friend out, it'll ruin the relationship" ruin what could be beautiful. This could honestly be your chance, and I while I was thinking... WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY "I could be that guy" when she said that in her apt!?

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3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-12-03 07:10 ID:wC90Alm4

>OP, answer me, do you believe that you could make her happy? Do you think that you could be there for her when she needs you in the future? If you said yes, then why not go for it? You can't let the classic dilemma of "If I ask my friend out, it'll ruin the relationship" ruin what could be beautiful. This could honestly be your chance, and I while I was thinking... WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY "I could be that guy" when she said that in her apt!?
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4 Name: Otakun : 2008-12-03 07:43 ID:ivEzoutV

All in all... Failing and not doing something is losing her all the same.

She could find another guy, go out with him, stick with him, rarely see you for example. Or end up leaving.

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5 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-12-03 13:35 ID:wC90Alm4

>She could find another guy, go out with him, stick with him, rarely see you for example.

Funny you should say that; with the last boyfriend, we hadn't spent any time together for a month, which is a pretty long time considering we usually never go a week without seeing each other. But I was okay with it, because she really liked him and had a good feeling about him; I figured she should be spending more time with her boyfriend than me, anyways.

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6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-12-03 14:37 ID:c48joZSm

Just tell her. Right now. If you do I'll reward you with a slice of pizza.

If you don't, I'll hate you.

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-12-03 14:51 ID:fDL+YWcN

Tell her something like "When you get better, I have something I would like us to talk about".

When you approach the subject don't get too emotional or things like it. If what last hurt her is immaturity, show her that you are mature and stable. Talk like adults, tell her exactly what you said in >>1, and see what happens.

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8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-12-03 21:12 ID:wwZMxyA0

I'm seeing her again after I get out of class. I won't say anything yet, but I'll just play it by ear for the next few days and see where it goes. I'm still undecided in confessing to her.

Thanks to >>7 for the insight. I concur with your comment that I shouldn't have any misguided preconceptions about what could happen if I told her.

9 Name: Otakun : 2008-12-03 22:06 ID:ivEzoutV

Since >>6 and >>7 already told you what I wanted to say, I'll leave some last words of wisdom.

Happily ever after isn't something given, its earned. Even if she accepts, after comes the real work. Confessing isn't the hard part!

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10 Name: WestCoast : 2008-12-04 09:47 ID:dox4nyvw

I can see where you're coming from in terms of debating with yourself about confessing. I've found myself in similar situations several different times. As such, I'd like to think I have some microscopic sort of authority when I say this: if you truly feel like you need to get these feelings out into the open, you might as well. I'm going to answer Otakun's question as it applied to me - the aggrivation from wondering whether or not it'll turn out in your favor RIDICULOUSLY outweighs the pain of getting shot down, both in intensity and duration. She rejects you, it burns for like a week, two tops. You leave it up to speculation, it burns every last time it comes to mind, and considering that it seems to already have been quite a long time, you probably are already familiar with this pain.

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11 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-12-05 14:32 ID:wC90Alm4

OP here.

http://xkcd.com/513/

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12 Name: WestCoast : 2008-12-06 08:59 ID:dox4nyvw

>11

I'd like to believe that at least one page of that particular webcomic has hit us all where it counts and makes us feel as if that page was made after the creator listened to us walking down the street or something.

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13 Name: feitizero : 2008-12-06 19:41 ID:wC90Alm4

OP again. If I'm gonna be posting here, I should use a pseudonym to better identify myself.

My friend and I are supposed to be watching the boxing match tonight with my cousin and his girlfriend. She calls me this afternoon, asking if they were also going to show a college game that was also tonight. I said yeah, and asked why. Then she mentioned that ex-boyfriend's name here was coming and he wanted to see it. I knew the answer, but I asked anyway; why was he coming along? They were, in her words, "back together, but not really." I must've paused for a while, because she asked me if I was okay. I told her that that was my line, and she replied that she doesn't really understand what happened. I don't understand it, either, but I've seen it happen to her before.

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14 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-12-06 20:08 ID:ISWJEnd4

I'm having difficulties deciding which one of you is the most hopeless masochist: the girl who doesn't quit failed relationships, or you the guy who doesn't even take the most basic steps in order to get what he wants,... In a sense you are a good fit together.

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15 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-12-06 20:11 ID:jQUvIuGb

>>12

PROTIP: Be a jerk, be an asshole, be self-confident. You will get laid.

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16 Name: feitizero : 2008-12-06 20:34 ID:wC90Alm4

>>14

>I think the best would be to cancel the whole thing, or not go yourself, and then arrange a meeting with her where you'll ask her to leave the other guy and go out with you. But of course, being the person you are, this won't happen, and you've just earned yourself a few more weeks/months of melodrama.
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17 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-12-06 20:53 ID:ISWJEnd4

>it would look suspicious if I just decided not to go at the last minute.

You misunderstood me. It's precisely because it's suspicious that you should do it. If it meant nothing, or could be interpreted ans not meaning much, then it would not be worth it. If you don't go, she will get the message that you are pissed off.

18 Name: feitizero : 2008-12-06 21:35 ID:wpMgEeLp

And like I said, I have an obligation to my other friends to show up. I can't duck out on them.

I think I understand where you're coming from, though. Sending a strong message like not showing up at the last minute would speed things up and force me to come out with my feelings for her. Or something like that.

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19 Name: Otakun : 2008-12-06 21:54 ID:ivEzoutV

Sheesh, can't you act selfishly just once? If they're your friends they'd understand

20 Name: feitizero : 2008-12-06 22:01 ID:wpMgEeLp

It's not in my nature to be selfish -_-. Look, it's been a while since we've all been able to get together like this, and I'm not missing out on this fight. Besides, I wanna get drunk tonight, and I'll need a designated driver.

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21 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-12-06 23:00 ID:ISWJEnd4

>>18

>Correct me if I'm mistaken.
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22 Name: feitizero : 2008-12-06 23:22 ID:wpMgEeLp

It was probably a bad idea to bring my laptop with me to study in this coffee shop I'm in, because it's proven itself to be a distraction.

I wouldn't be able to study anyways, because she's texting me about tonight. No mention of the hows and whys of what's happened between her and the boyfriend, and I don't really feel like bringing it up or getting mad at her, or even just continuing to be attracted to her. Feeling like this for her again is just too much frustration.

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23 Name: feitizero : 2008-12-07 08:50 ID:wC90Alm4

As fate would have it, I ended up at her place at the end of my night. My cousin wanted to score some pot from an acquaintance of hers, and we ended up in her apartment. The newly reinstated boyfriend was there. I don't have anything personal against him, actually. He really is pretty quiet.

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24 Name: Otakun : 2008-12-07 14:34 ID:ivEzoutV

So you're really giving up huh? Thats a shame... I really think you're still acting too nicely here. I can't really think of something inspirational because I've been up all night studying and not studying, but I'm just gonna come clean.

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25 Name: feitizero : 2008-12-07 16:54 ID:wC90Alm4

>>24

>Her "boyfriend" if you want to call him that is just an obstacle in both of your happinesses.
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26 Name: feitizero : 2008-12-13 03:12 ID:LwQVsqUt

Yeah, I told myself that I'm through with her, but it's kinda hard when she still hangs out with me when she's free, and needs me to be with her when she's down. Right now, she's down.

>she's heading down a terrible path now, especially with this guy.
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27 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-12-13 05:03 ID:bKPKHkZV

>>26
You have two solutions:
-be there when she has a fight with her boyfriend, and plant seeds of discord. Shoot him down, show her his weaknesses and insecurity (of course, don't be too obvious, duh)

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28 Name: feitizero : 2008-12-14 09:29 ID:LwQVsqUt

>>27
Or, do nothing as she finally decides that she's had enough and breaks up with the guy.

She called me from work yesterday. After I left her place 2 nights ago, her boyfriend never made it to her place. In a fit, she grabbed all of his shit, put it in a garbage bag, and drove over to his place to give it back to him and to break up. He wasn't at home.

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29 Name: Otakun : 2008-12-14 11:13 ID:ivEzoutV

I'll still stick by what I said earlier, ask her out soon. Can't get to the ending if you don't do anything at all. I'm sure most of us would say the same. Just go for it, no excuses this time!

30 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-12-15 03:51 ID:bKPKHkZV

I'll tell you something I told many many people on these boards (and something I wish I had been told a few times before).

>>At this point, I almost don't care how it ends, but I just want to break this pattern before it repeats itself again.
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31 Name: feitizero : 2008-12-15 09:58 ID:LwQVsqUt

I will confess, but not now. She's been wanting to spend some time with me because she's alone (she bought me dinner yesterday, something that almost never happens since she's usually broke, and she called me late tonight just to talk), but it's obvious she's still hurting, even though she's taking it better this time. She wants nothing to do with boys or sex or relationships.

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32 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-12-15 14:58 ID:TLw8SrsF

I don't get this.
In my mind, it's simple. Act, decisively. Confess and hope she reciprocates (fine, put it off to christmas if you want) or never see her again. Never see her again, because if you do you will always end up being the emotional crutch and the support, and will always have to go through exactly what you are going through now.

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33 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-12-15 16:06 ID:bKPKHkZV

>>31
Sure, you don't wanna be the rebound anyway.

But keep warm the picture in her mind that you are here for her. Maybe not as a friend like she thinks. It's the thing that made her break up in anger with her old boyfriend, so it somehow puts you under the spotlight.

34 Name: feitizero : 2008-12-17 17:56 ID:LwQVsqUt

>>33

Funny you should mention being the rebound.

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35 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-12-17 18:19 ID:D5DlClGK

One day, as you are sitting down, say something along the lines of, "You're a great girl." Then sigh. SIgh heavily, deeply, for a long time. Then fidget and turn in your seat. Then start crying. Maybe then she'll get the hint.

36 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-12-19 04:28 ID:noI31P1x

Girls...girls like this, they tend to be great, interesting people, but they also tend to choose horrible people as partners. This isn't a coincidence, or that being an unbearable asshole is some sort of magic formula. They find assholes attractive, not because it's universal, but because they associate jerkiness with attractiveness or love. Abusive or neglectful father figures, or the first person they were in a relationship with was abusive or neglectful. It won't work because like Lorenz's imprinted ducks or Pavlov's salivating dog, they have the mental defect of associating abuse with love and affection. They don't know how to deal with kindness, and they don't associate it with love. No matter what, you will never win over this type of girl be being a good friend.

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37 Name: Secret Admirer : 2008-12-19 09:18 ID:Heaven

>>36

Listen to this. Knows what he's talking about.

38 Name: feitizero : 2009-01-01 09:03 ID:+soO0/yZ

It's late at night, and I'm still buzzed from tonight's festivities and I can't sleep. I figured I'd give an update, though it's not much.

My emotions are as fickle as hers. I've decided (again) not to say anything, and she's decided that even though they don't have a future as a couple that she'd stay with him until he moved out of state, which will happen soon. My decision was, obviously, influenced by hers. Perhaps >>36 is right about this girl, and I am starting to believe that I have no future with her beyond friendship. She's damaged goods. Several friends that see us, though, believe otherwise. They think that we'll end up together, but I'm not so optimistic. I'm sick of having my emotions pulled every which way. I've made it my resolution to move on and move away from this, but that's easier said than done.

39 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-01-03 20:41 ID:WECsgXWv

>>36 also mentions that you should tell her your feelings as well.

I know it's been said multiple times throughout this thread, and multiple times you've considered it and put it off.
If you're honestly thinking of moving on, the least you could do is let yourself OUT and tell her how you feel.

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40 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-01-03 22:39 ID:uwzED8IU

You can say that you know her and understand her best, and that you will treat her "right" where all her past relationships have been "wrong" but it won't do either of you any good. She is looking for someone to date, but it sounds like you want to take care of her. She's out there looking for someone to be with, someone that loves her and provides for her something. She may not know what that something is yet, but she's looking for it.

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41 Name: Secret Admirer : 2009-01-03 22:39 ID:uwzED8IU

continuing from >>40, reached the comment limit ^^;

I know this is really dramatic but it's exactly what I'm dealing with. I don't know if I've fixed my relationship just yet, but it was built on a weak foundation and came to a grinding halt a month ago. I believe we've patched things up, but it isn't going to be easy from here. All I know is that I believed I was right to give and give and give to her without expecting anything in return, and she did the same. We realized that it's unhealthy and irresponsible to do that, and that neither of us really knew what we were doing with ourselves or each other anymore.

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