There's this male friend of mine. I think he wanted me a few months ago. I rejected him as bluntly as I could, because I'm terrified of leading anybody on. Building up someone's feelings only to crush them later is really fucking cruel.
We've been growing closer as buddies. It's like, I don't know, we've been growing INTO each other. I understand him better than I did before. There are parts of his character I used to hold in contempt, but now only feel a strange softness for. We argue less, and have a stronger rapport. It's hard for me to surprise him at this point.
Though no one's made my heart pound since last year, I do feel a weird tenderness building up. And I'm not sure I want it to happen.
He's an enormous nerd - the kind of nerdiness that makes you stiff, rigid (no, not the penis) all the time with repressed sexuality. Unobservant. Socially awkward, with a poor grasp of how other people think. Staunchly conservative. Judgmental.
I don't dislike him for these qualities, but they make me think he'd be a bad relationship. Hell, I would probably make him miserable too. He might really want a sweet submissive girl, and if he thinks he can somehow "defrost" me into that, he's dead wrong.
If it wouldn't work, I should repress everything. Right? If I rushed into something with him, only to realize I've made a horrible mistake weeks later, it would trample his poor spirit.
But I might be squandering a good opportunity for both of us at the same time. I don't know what to do...Should I just let it grow, and see what happens? If I think logically it wouldn't work shouldn't I be prudent and just suppress it like a motherfucker?