A lot of rambling, sorry!
Recently around the end of March I broke up with my boyfriend [I'll call him A] of 2 years. We were just sort of losing contact and bickering often about small things and since he's in his 2nd year of college and I'm a junior in highschool we don't really have time to talk to each other except through MSN. We don't hate each other or anything, but we decided we would take a break and he gave me the decision of whether or not we should get back together, but I know he really wants to get back together. Honestly, these past weeks without him have felt pretty normal because we rarely see each other anyway. I guess I still miss him once in a while, though. He was the only person I've ever had such strong feelings for.
In 8th grade I had my first boyfriend [call him B], but it really caught me off guard cause I never expected this guy to ask me out cause at the time we were talking about Super Smash Bros.... I was his first, too, and we were both kind of clueless on relationships. He asked me out through a myspace message and went all out, "I love you will you go out with me?" I thought it was a prank at first. I actually didn't like him in a romantic way, but we were really good friends. I was stupid and young so I agreed to go out with him cause I was curious and I didn't want to hurt his feelings [yeah, just shoot me for being a horrible person...]. We were only together for like a month or so, and I ended it through an e-mail [SHOOT ME AGAIN] saying I never liked him in a romantic way, but I cherished him as a friend. He replied saying something like "Ok I'm relieved. I don't think I can handle a relationship this early anyway =D" I actually remember crying when we broke up, even though I didn't like him in a romantic way [though I doubt he really "loved" me either, I think he was just young and confused]. We said we would still be friends, but things got awkward and we never really hung out anymore or talked. This year [two years later] he ended up being in a lot of my classes. We still REALLY seldom talk and when we do we act like nothing ever happened between us, but obviously we both know something did. But it kind of makes me happy just being able to see him again, even if we're not omglolBFFL anymore. A few months ago he asked me to draw him a picture for him to hang in his room. I didn't know whether it was just a normal favor or if it was him trying to get a bit more friendly with me. Probably the latter, because after asking for the picture, everything went back to just us being classmates, nothing more.
Ok so here's the problem. I don't know if this is just some sort of mental/psychological thing because I just recently had a break-up, but I really want to try this whole relationship thing again with B. Because I've been losing a lot of physical contact with A, I really don't feel like I love him as much as I used to. I've been getting along fine without him, life hasn't changed much. But I don't know if what I feel for B is really an attraction, or if it is just like... "Oh I'm free now after two years, let's try again with B". I guess I could say that I'm semi-attracted to both A and B, and seeing B five times a week in several classes makes me miss the old days when we used to hang out togther. Is this just nostalgia? Am I treating B like he's my rebound?
And if I really do like B, how would I know if he's even interested in me anymore? I don't want to ask him out if he's not interested... things would just get even MORE awkward than it already is. Plus I don't want to mess things up with A if in the end we can really get back together and continue on happily.
And this is probably going to get me flamed, but I know A still really loves me and it was mostly my decision to break up, so he will take me back no matter what. I have this horrible feeling that if I really do try to ask B out and he rejects me, I will just go to A like he's a back-up plan. I know it's a horrible and awful thing to do, but 25% of me feels like this would happen if I were to try and get rejected by B...