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Uncomfortable Friendships (19)


1 Name: Aging Otaku : 2010-01-14 16:20 ID:D3rYu68z

I was at an ice skating event and party afterwards with the anime group I belong to. I am the oldest person in the group, being twice the age of the majority of the members, and I also have a daughter the same age as some of the members. I have been in the group about 2 years, and have a good number of friends who are literally half my age. At the party, I had met a relatively new member to the group, everyone was just kind of hanging around, and her and I were talking a bit. Everyone was joking around, playing standing tag (since there was no room to move) and just poking each other in general. So, I poked her and she poked me back, and then eventually her and I were standing face to face poking each other, and trying to make each other laugh. I know there was an attraction there, and I think she felt it too. I asked for her number, and she gave it to me. Then on a social networking site, I put in a friend request to her. Over a week went by and I didn't get a response, so I sent her an message through the site. Then I got this reply from her. "hey, my apologies if this comes across as a little rude, but if you don't mind i'd rather not be friends with you on *******. the rather large difference in our ages (and the fact that i barely know you) just makes it kinda awkward. i'd also prefer if i didn't have to contact you outside of the anime group events. sorry.

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2 Name: Secret Admirer : 2010-01-14 20:48 ID:Tlym7W3l

Sounds like she is just thinks its awkward (or her friends might). She doesn't seem particularly proud of being in said anime group either, so I don't think it's necessarily just you. That said, you might have a chance. Play it cool; she gave you her number, right? Good luck.

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3 Name: Secret Admirer : 2010-01-14 20:51 ID:bxPJJ3RN

I think alot of younger people can't get use to the large age difference because most of them have never dealt with it before. This is obviously clear in the message she wrote you. I don't think there is an attraction there and she may have only given you it out of the spur of the moment or politeness...

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4 Name: Aging Otaku : 2010-01-14 21:21 ID:D3rYu68z

I already agreed not to bother with trying to friend request her again, and I did ask her if she was going to the anime convention next month in DC. She said she was, so I may have a chance to talk to her, and maybe hang out with her again in a few weeks. I mean, I don't want to push too hard or too quick, because I don't want her to think I joined the anime club to "troll" for younger women. I also don't want to end up making it uncomfortable for her or I going to the various events that the clubs hold. I know she is in a college anime club also, with a girl that has known me since I joined the club, and I know she likes me (as a friend, and there is no romantic interest at all), who goes to the same college and is in the anime club. Should I ask my friend to talk to her to "feel" out if there might be some mutual attraction there?

5 Name: Hikari-chan : 2010-01-15 01:15 ID:8bQ2NhKy

>>4

Yeah, I bet you should ask a common friend of yours somehow check it out if she is attracted to you. But, judging on her response to your message I bet she find it awkward having you as her friend outside your club. As what >>3 said she's just ,maybe, polite to give you her number so as not to spur the moment.

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6 Name: Secret Admirer : 2010-01-15 04:36 ID:bxPJJ3RN

Getting a third party to help build a friendship would be a good idea, but i don't think you should push to hard... Try getting to know her through your friend and build up a bond from that might probably be a good idea. She said it herself that it was uncomfortable to be around someone she doesn't know. So instead of trying to find a romantic feeling inside her, try building up a friendship first.

7 Name: Secret Admirer : 2010-01-15 07:08 ID:GoXeP5kb

yeah I wouldn't really push at all at this point you could really risk alienating not just her but other people in the club as well I would leave her alone but at the same time make yourself accesible to her if she talks to you again then its ok if she ignores you then try to do the same.

8 Name: Secret Admirer : 2010-01-15 07:41 ID:kcNJaiMd

Speaking from a female's perspective, I think >>3 hit the nail on the head.

I'd advise against the third party thing. No offense, but if I was asked to match make an older guy with a much younger girl, I'd feel quite uncomfortable. I mean, she's legal and you're not technically a pedo, but it'll be like my dad asking me to hook him up with one of my friends.

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9 Name: Aging Otaku : 2010-01-15 12:30 ID:J8Q+ZVhn

I guess what I find a little strange about her response is how big of a deal is an online friendship? Aren't online relationships used to help one get to know someone else? So that when interacting in real life it had helped you to get to know the person better?

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10 Name: The Bear : 2010-01-15 14:14 ID:zKrokmgi

it's not rape, if shes dead

11 Name: 8 : 2010-01-15 16:01 ID:kcNJaiMd

>>9

You see, having contact with someone online lets you get to know them on quite a personal level.

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12 Name: Secret Admirer : 2010-01-16 08:52 ID:xU+SsvTf

dude, i really think you are over-analyzing it. her response to your friend request was pretty straightforward, and if you keep trying to read attraction into how she interacted with you, i'm sorry but it will come off as creepy. and there is no way to get "secretly attracted to you" vibes from her response to you, at all, in any way.

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13 Name: Secret Admirer : 2010-01-16 17:40 ID:U/IOcGL2

>>12
I didn't understand the references to "the XKCD post" at first, turns out they were talking about this one http://xkcd.com/558/
...
Jesus Christ, I can't believe that comic had such effect. Randall Munroe is probably one of the most feminist men...

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14 Name: Secret Admirer : 2010-01-17 05:25 ID:Heaven

>>13

>However, what some of the commentators on the article you linked to were writing was... completely over the top.
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15 Name: Anonymous : 2010-01-17 21:23 ID:T+PY4hk4

Next time you have contact with her, tell us how it goes.

16 Name: Aging Otaku : 2010-01-19 15:01 ID:D3rYu68z

Well, I should probably have contact with her over Valentine's Day weekend. There is an Anime Convention in DC that I know she will be at, and I will be as well. Honestly, I don't even know if I am looking for a romantic relationship, considering the age difference, but it was more of just being friends. I am not saying I wasn't attracted to her, because I was, but I have tried dating younger women before, and often the age difference, difference in just life experiences, etc. tend to make it difficult to have a meaningful relationship. But again, it has to do with the way that we looked in each-others eyes. Most people will either turn away after a couple seconds, or won't look you in the eyes at all. So I guess it was just very intriguing. I know, I sound confused and conflicted, and I guess that is how I feel. I am her senior by better than 10 years, and she is 19. I will definitely let you know what happens after the con. But I will try to get ahold of my one friend who is in the same college as her (as my one friend was the one who brought her into the anime club) just to find out if she said anything about me at all. Not even asking her to put in a good word or anything like that. Just to see if there was anything said. Would that be a better approach, at least for now?

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17 Name: Secret Admirer : 2010-01-22 06:59 ID:aEv8S2cL

>>13
It's this one mate: http://xkcd.com/642/

18 Name: Secret Admirer : 2010-01-22 07:01 ID:aEv8S2cL

The resulting thread is here, which seems fitting for most of us:
http://contexts.org/socimages/2009/10/04/guest-post-nerd-assertiveness-and-blindness-to-privilege/

19 Name: Aging Otaku : 2010-01-22 18:11 ID:D3rYu68z

>>17

That is very definitely what it seems like, as opposed to the 558 comic which really had no bearing on the conversation.

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