Last Oct 2010 my girlfriend got accepted to start her Phd in march 2011. Her phd professors asked her to start coming in to the dept to help out and get accustomed to phd life...
Strangely, she has to go in everyday at 9am and she leaves at 10pm. When she's there she doesn't really do anything, but she isn't allowed to leave. We have been having problems recently because of the amount of time she's spending there... it seems unnecessary and excessive to me... that's 65hours a week already without taking weekends into account. most importantly is that her phd hasn't even started yet.
The only time I get to see her now on the weekends is late late nights -around 11pm. and most of her weekends are all taken up with extra phd related things her professors rope her into.
I've read elsewhere on that the average work hours of phds is 9-5 or 30-40 a week... She's doing more than 65... The other people say that partners should be patient and understanding... but I feel like our relationship has been reduced to a couple hours a week.
Am I right to be angry?
I'm not suspicious of her cheating on me or anything like that, but I do feel like she is being taken advantage of by her phd. The part that I hate most about it is that she feels dutiful to go everyday for that time, as if it's normal... She says that she isn't smart and she needs her teams help. so by never saying no her peers to respect her for her loyalty and sacrifice and help her when she needs it. She says that she has no choice in her schedule and that she is already seeing me as much as she can.
I've been reduced to that guy that doesn't even ask when she has time for us... and instead waits for her beckoning. And in those late nights when she comes in, we literally talk for about 20 mins, have sex, and then she goes to sleep. the next morning she's gone at 7am. Recently when we were having sex, I suddenly felt like I was servicing her like she was a customer. What kind of relationship is this?
We had light hearted conversation about it last night... I have to return back to England at the end of Feb and her course starts in March.
I asked her,
Me: if I stayed for another year what do you think would happen to us?
Her: we would separate. but, wait for me for 3 years and we can be together again
Me: 3 years will change us both...
Her: I will wait for you.
Me: ...I think in the next 3 years it will be difficult for you to find a guy that will understand your life. If your Phd hasn't even started now and you are already staying 9am-10pm...
Her: I know... but my father has arranged it, after 3 years of this life they will make me a professor at the university. I have to do it.
Me: ....I have 6 weeks left with you. Your Phd hasn't even started yet but you are spending your whole life there. this past weekend you said you had time for us, but then your professors called you in on Saturday and Sunday. I barely get to see you.
Her: don't be angry.
Me: I think if I, or any other guy you were with, asked you to choose between us or your Phd, I know what your answer would be.
I am leaving the country soon and the reality of our lives are forcing us apart. After writing this out it has become more clear to me that despite us saying that we love each other, maybe we don't. At least, I can no longer say that I love her the way that I used to, and I guess her love for me has always been different from what I've been giving...
What should I do? Bottom line is that I still want to see her, but as my time draws near, I'm increasingly more angry and bitter that she isn't taking the necessary steps to maximise my remaining time. I do enjoy the sex... but as I have more sex with her, the more empty the love making feels.