Well, I don't know what happens next, because this is actually my story, and this is where I'm at right now. I figure not a lot can happen at this point. Maybe I'll plan an escape, and attempt a risky swim to shore when I think I'm close enough. Maybe I'll just accept my situation and take up some new hobbies(napping, counting full moons, that sort of thing).
TL;DR: I do know now, what it is that I want. I just want something that I can't doubt, something that's always there for me(and me only), something to use as support. I'm always floating, drifting around. I want somebody to help keep me steady.
I'm 19, sort of shy introverted guy, and going to college. For now I'm focusing just on my classwork to suppress thoughts. Haven't had any experience with closeness or anything... I guess I'm a relatively hard person to get to know. I run out of energy real fast when I'm around people, and I kind of like to be alone, but I am very tired of being lonely. I can't stop thinking about things, and most of the time I'm thinking about myself and my actions, always comparing myself to other people and having doubts. In a nutshell, I'm a generally pessimistic person who is always hard to approach in public, because I probably look like I'm lost in thought or something(because I am). Nobody usually sits next to me on the train or bus. I try to resist it, but it's still kind of awkward. I am convinced that I cannot entirely overcome my 'nature', and I want people to like me for who I am.
Someday I want to be something to somebody, right now I just feel like a surveillance camera with arms and legs. I want to have one of those nice give/take relationships in real life. Maybe find somebody on the internet and start it there. I don't know. I haven't had much experience with people in general though. I have a few friends on the internet, literally none in real life. I used to have a couple of friends in high school. I sort of almost got with this friend of mine, but she dated assholes repeatedly; no matter how much I was there for her, she'd keep hurting herself and me simultaneously by choosing guys other than me. I know that that story is pretty common too. I know that as soon as I get close to somebody, they'll quickly become 'home' for me, and I'll be clingy. Dunno if that's bad or not. I'm sort of ashamed to admit it, but it does suck to see cute couples walking around campus every day...
Recently I've tried smiling alongside making eye contact. I'm easily discouraged at the results, though. Just kind of wanted to get this crappy story I thought of off my chest. Any tips? Does anybody have any success stories maybe?