I lost it in the morning of New Year. It was a friend. I wasn't too close to him but there. I was tipsy, I remember saying no (because I am waiting for someone else...will write that later), but my writhing spoke otherwise. He tried to kiss me before that but I avoided, but things just happened. I didn't think it would go that far though.
But aright now, all I feel is guilt. I couldn't sleep on the way back in the bus. I cried. I can't sleep right now.
I feel heavy. All these days I avoided something like this. I would rant like I did up there, but I preferred to stay safe. But here I am in a position I never imagined myself to be.
This was the message I sent right after it happened to one friend who I trust in these matters:
"As of last night. I don't think I'm a virgin anymore. I don't think it's broken though it was put in me. Maybe it wasn't even there, but anyway- I only felt bad I couldn't keep the promise I had to the B'lore lad of waiting, but I think it was better I had this happen, because I would've been more clueless than I thought. I am still planning to actually lose it to him.
Besides, like you said- it is better if I just had someone who I was just plain comfortable and sexually compatible with.
Here's the thing: I finally found peace of mind. I don't feel that strange weight on my shoulders anymore.
It seems like my inner debates from a couple of months ago have all disappeared.
All those debates of 'finding the one' and all that.
I feel a strange sense of responsibility, and grown-up ness.
A feeling of importance and freedom"