Damn I posted so much in despair. Well it should give an outline. It's not the losing that bothers, it's how and who I lost it to. I didn't even like that guy in that way.
All these years I knew about those kind of guys and just kept away from losing it in the most awful way possible, and ultimately the the exact thing happens. It what saddens me,
I wish the memories of that night would just stop replaying.
On the other hand, I told S this, and he says it's not going to change the fact he holds me close, and that I'd always be the same to him and that I was brave to tell him what happened.
We talked last night. This message I sent to another friend would sum up what happened:
"He brought it up when friends ask him as 'How's your girl?'. And 'What are we? We're a couple?'
And a confession happened today. Just like that.
He likes me. We talked about why we both were scared...careers, not wanting to cause pain...all that. Told him I liked him.
And we didn't decide on anything but I'm gonna lose it to him :')
I'm gonna be born again. I'm so overjoyed.
Still a little regretful...but not in tears.
Also if nothing works out by the time I'm 30, we talked about living together.
I wish memories of that 'fateful night' would just fade away once I make love to S.
I really do"