Somethingawful publishes a word-for-word KCNA obituary.

>In a worldwide tragic event, Supreme Leader of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, General Secretary of the Workers' Party of Korea, Viceroy of the People's Korean Beautiful Man Solution, Grand Admiral of the People's Korean Sailboat Club and Chief Judge of the Workers' Best Guitar Solo Contest, Kim Jong Il, has died at the age of 70. He was the oldest man in world.

>"He would not wake up," sobbed a doctor as he was placed into a prisoner van. "If only he had been alive to tell us how to save him."