The whole thing just rams home the basic fact that im a loser with no social skills, and possibly never going to get laid ever in my life.
It's not because of the people, it's me. I went out last night to a pub that the people I know used to go to. I said this way because naturally I have no friends. Yeah, the usual things happened like drinking together, laughing at various things and all this, but here comes my problem, that I have absolutely no skills at starting, or even keeping up a conversation. I compose my sentences in a really strange way (not in english BTW, not my mother language), and often I even mess up them, and just stop talking. Yes true, I can't speak my own language. By the way, these things more often happen when im talking to females than
males. Because of these things, after a little while people start to take me weirdly and never seriously. I have geek humour, and I think using that would be a bad idea around non-geeks, so again and again I just remain silent. This happens every time I go out, but seems that I can go out as much as I want my social skills never seem to develop.
I seriously starting to think that I have Asperger's for real, or some other mild class of autism.
Im just so incredibly lonely and depressed. Im 19, obviously never had a girlfriend in my life, due to they seem never think of me other than asexual, when I take myself as a fairly nice looking guy. I have no charisma aswell.
If you understand me, feel free to share your thoughts.
Anyone with similar problems? What can a man do?
Thanks.
I have similar problem with you.. Which is i don't hve any girl fren althou' i hve girl fren(nt special one)and lack of social skill. But i hve tried very of my best to speak with other people. My major problem is when i talk with other people i always run out idea/topic to speak..
I can never keep a conversation too. Even online, it's sometimes difficult. I'm very lonely too, although I'm younger than you. I like being asexual.
What language do you speak? Just curious.
>I have geek humour
Perhaps you should go to some geeky places (comic book stores, computer stores) and talk to the people there. They may understand you better! Another thing to do is to tell the people you talk to that you often have trouble speaking and thinking of things to say.
My language is malay(Brunei). Which country are you from?
Btw i'm at same age as you. I'm 19 years old too.. I dunno which nick name i use, so i pick one of english song called 'mr.lonely' by akon.
Ah, I wasn't asking you, Mr. Lonely. I was asking >>1
People love to talk about themselves. Try and get them started, then all you have to do is listen. "What do you do?" "Where are you from?" Something simple that you can't muck up. Speak slowly and think about what you're going to say.
best way to solve the problem dude is to be put in a situation where you absolutely must change; change your environment,
put yourself in situation where it demands that you need to change.
for example getting a job, and speaking to the people there; simple questions like >>7 said;
"what do you enjoy"
if they say something you dont know nothing about, for example fencing, you may probably just think "oh no i know nothing about fencing so can't continue the conversation ><"
but no, see that as a good thing that you dont know!
cus you can say "oh cool, i dont know much about fencing, whats it like?"
and most importantly: consider yourself normal, consider yourself a good social person.
the second you get into this geek frame of mind, the fact that you are this anti social geek, is the second you start to believe your own mind; and so you become who you think you are.
change your way of thinking, this in turn will help you change who you are for the better.
keep trying new ways, don't give up.
if something doesnt work, dont sulk and say oh well i think im autistic. if something doesnt work; try something else. if that doesnt work, what will you do? thats right; try something else.
einstein said the definition of insanity is expecting a different result by doing the same thing over and over.
change your pattern man.
i have belief in the human spirit, you can do it! enjoy life, have fun! go for it!
Haha.. Sori bout' dat. You have same nick name which confuse me alot.
>>8 is right! I also have the same problem. I can't talk to people much and I dont know what to talk about but it's worth trying to ask people what they're interested in right?
Don't worry about it! Soon, you'll get over your dilemma.
OP here.
Just stopping by with no positive changes since the first post despite the fact that I went out a lot. :( I think im cutting down my dick.
Man I really wish I had a solution to that, I have a girlfriend who has the same problem, she's much worse than me and we were both bad enough to reach mid twenties without any love affair..
Man I really wish I had a solution to that, I have a girlfriend who has the same problem, she's much worse than me and we were both bad enough to reach mid twenties without any love affair..
i hav the same problem. i can't talk to people. they think i hav ADHD or I'm a schizo, but i'm not. im single. junk. trying to volunteer at a library, maybe it could work for you?at least you won't have to worry about someone firing you if you get a job and you could spend as much time as you want with volunteers. of course, it's depending on what you volunteer for. just try to volunteer on something you enjoy.
i hav the same problem. i can't talk to people. they think i hav ADHD or I'm a schizo, but i'm not. im single. junk. trying to volunteer at a library, maybe it could work for you?at least you won't have to worry about someone firing you if you get a job and you could spend as much time as you want with volunteers. of course, it's depending on what you volunteer for. just try to volunteer on something you enjoy.
Most of the people here atleast go out, the only place I go is work and nowhere else. I don't have friends. I want to have friends, generally people don't treat me the same as anyone else. I live in Melbourne, Australia. I have no contact with people, I don't count my work mates as ones, they don't look at me as potential friend, and they don't treat me like everyone else. I tried looking up on the net for friends, and there are alot of online relationship sites around, I had a look around at match.com, ezi friend, and many others, but people I can't find people who are like me. All of them, claims they are outgoing, fun and loving, etc. I don't know if there are irc channels where many Australians go to. I personally haven't tried to find these services until recently, if this goes on longer, I think I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. If you don't know already, 1'm 26, no friends, girlfriends, etc. I can't find people who are like me.
So you see, I'm much worser than most of you.
i mean friend
>>17
I have no real friends. Please be my friend too!
In my life there is no one who has said that to me. You are surprisingly the first person to have said that to me. I'm not including the internet, I'm talking about the whole time since I've been alive, not to mention that you're a girl. If you live in Australia, there'e even better, there aren't many Aussies, generally people are from US and I don't feel close with them.
I can imagine that you are creeped out already. Why would you say that to a lonely 26 year old man?
Aren't you scared? I bet you are already, no sane person would try to befriend a stranger without knowing them. I know you aren't serious. I assume you are curious as what responses I would give to you?
I know you aren't serious but at the same time, you risk and hope someone can understand and relate to you, in addition to the fact that I have written about myself in the past, on the basis of this, you form some kind of image about me, in some ways you can relate to me, and in others you pity me?
By risk I mean, you have a desire to meet in real life yet you fear. You fear for your own security and fear your disappointment if I don't turn out the way you expect of me from your image of me?
Have you seen or read NHK ni Youkoso?
There are many truths in it. Do you understand it?
2 years ago, in 2004, I attended an anime club a few times and also a con held in University of Melbourne. I went to the anime club alone, I was a loner who sat in the corner of the theatre watching animes projected on to a big screen. More or less I'm alone, I never approach anyone, I don't know how to start conversation, generally I don't know how to socialise. I never did, I avoid them. The people in anime club remain as normal people who would react more or less similar to normal people and didn't talk to me. The anime club members generally look at me as a nobody, the impression I get from them is "who the heck are you and where and how did you creep in here", that feeling I get. The con was more or less the same, those people are just simple normal people with normal judgement. Before I went to the clubs and cons, I have the impression that they were like me, I thought I would belong there, and believe that I have finally found my place where I belong. But I guess I didn', they were more or less similar to normal people. My experience with the con is more or less the same, people look at me with a certain judgement. Plus the fact that i can't generally converse, I don't know how to deal with them. So I always avoid, which in turn make them avoid me. Not that I want avoid them, it's because I don't know socialise with them without them thinking I'm different and odd. I've lost all my social and conversation skills, not that I have alot of them since I was born. I don't really know what to say to them other than saying things I believe and generally being myself, and my ideals. Plus I fear that they think of me lowly, I feel shame talking about myself. I don't have anything proud to say about myself and the fact that I'm a loner with no friends who don't have a social life and mostly stay at home. Thats why now I'm beginning to start to learn to draw, I have a knack for it since I was very young, but unfortunately I stopped and not until now I've decided to become an artist of some sort in the future, I want to have some skills that I'm proud of. I'm trying to seek my value in artistic pursuit, but thats another story.
.... continue
There was a time not too long ago, I want to change myself and seek social friends, which was a few months ago, I decided once I finally have all the neccessary parts and to complete and assemble my doll, Shinku. Once I'm with her, I would promise myself to change myself, physically and mentally, that was what I planned some time ago during a time of deep depression. But this plan falls short because I just have found a goal I need to achieve, to be an artist, so i need to learn to draw after I come back from work. Work is very tiring for me, after I get back home I'm very tired, I barely have energy to draw. Drawing is very hard. It takes all your concentration and energy to focus on your drawing. I hardly can find time to do other things, I could but that would require to not draw. It's constantly a dilemma in my life, deciding. I think Shinku would understand if I didn't change in an instant when she is completed, I think she would respect my decision, even if I can't be a sociable person.
It's very hard if not impossible to find friends for me. I doubt I could find real friends, even come and go friends and acquaintances in real life. And people on the net arent serious about it, and fact that it takes alot of risk and trust issues.
If you want to know where I practice drawing, I'm practising it on Gaia Online art forum, where I can post my own pictures.
please dude dont be that unconfident guy in yourself... please just tell yourself that you can be a friend of all... think positively in yourself... and you should say in your mind that may be you are the best friend that someone could have.. unless if you are not sure of that... try to mix up with any one you find.... even if he was not your style or age... at least to break that wall then you can choose....
beleive me i have afriend of mine that was just like you... he was totally isolated from all... but circumstances obliged him to work with me in the same lab in my Ph.D study, so we were talking to each other every day and when we got finished that lab work, he kept contacting me because he broke that wall in between me and him... and now he got high selfconfidence and lots of friend....
Asperger's generally is characterized simply by lacking recognition of social cues; you mentioned unusual speech patterns. IANAP (I am not a psychiatrist), I'm a nuclear physicist in training, but that's a rather odd symptom for Asperger's.
I have Asperger's Syndrome myself and I know a lot of people with it that I've met through group therapy, etc.;
Are you talking about "word salads"? If so perhaps it's schizoidal disorder. On the other hand, if you're talking about, say, ordering problems (eg speaking in SOV, VOS, etc when the langauge you are using is SVO), then it could be a different autism spectrum disorder; perhaps high-functioning true autism?
>the second you get into this geek frame of mind, the fact that
>you are this anti social geek, is the second you start to
>believe your own mind; and so you become who you think you are.
>change your way of thinking, this in turn will help you change
>who you are for the better.
I've came to think that if one is on a level enough for this kind of philosophy to ACTUALLY work and turn something in his life to the better, then obviously this person has had no such problems at all to start with.
get yourself a job as a salesman or a promoter in a shopping complex, it will helps
II recently feel that I am, and generally people who come to this board are always conscious of their existence, like part of my self is always watching me from inside saying: yea yea yea, then what?
Maybe it all comes from thinking too much about myself and my impact on others. not a lack of confidence, but being self centered without a false self confidence.
How should I begin? Lets see, living in a small town with very few or nobody with similar interest I can relate. However, the friends I do have, I greatly enjoy and I also try to embrace the alone time that I do have.
For a geek, a pub is not the ideal place to meet other geeks, find
anime clubs, social events, or any gaming nights that get posted in comic book stores or arcades and have fun! You don't have to know how to play it, just go and they will more than likely teach you.
English is not my first language either and occassionaly I do mess up and my wording come out awkward. My friends find that hilarious and I laugh with them. It gives me a simple uniquness that they cannot have. So, don't feel bad about messing up on words, just apologize and smile or laugh even.
Every anime club I joined, every social event I attended, and every game nights I've been to. I always stand out to be the only asian in the group. But, I never feel different or isolated, I feel connected with my friends.
Yeah. Totally nice social life >>35
I do go to an anime club at my school. Me and my friends started it, and it's a time that I actually do feel very comfortable and connected. ...Despite the fact that last time everyone in the club voted me to shut up. My gosh, what a diss. >_<
>>34
I kinda get what you mean. I really do think I can be a bit too concious of my existance. Sometimes I actually won't do certain simple things in public (like change my seat on a bus because someone's disturbing me) just because I think people will think it weird or rude or some stupid thing like that. XD;
I think it's odd I even bother to care about what strangers think since I'm constantly wearing rabbits (specially the ones from Pita Ten) in my hair and fake glasses..so people wind up giving me their attention anyway. I guess when you're nervous you just can't help but think of how people are percieving you, huh?
>>37
...I'm here. =D
well , i'm still here if it counts, but got nothing to say. but hell, nothing can be something
I've never really gotten a chance to read this thread while school was in, so I just now read most of it.
>>1, you sound exactly like me, sans the negative attitude. I don't think I'm a loser, I don't really care about getting laid (okay, maybe a bit. I worry a bit more about marriage, though), I'm probably not as lonely as you, and I'm only very rarely depressed, and when I am it's usually for short periods of time. Also, I think I have some mild charisma, but I forget to use it when I can.
Everything else is dead on. Everything. I was the one who started the "Think you have Asperger's?" thread because I have a lot of the symptoms of it. I've never really considered myself a part of any groups, really. I suck at starting and keeping conversation. I compose my sentences weirdly as well, although, I've gotten compliments on how professional my writing sounds because of it.
I think there's only three possible positive ways we can go about changing.
One, we can try to become more public people by forcing ourselves into situations, like >>8 said. I've tried this, and I guess I am still trying it, and it does help a bit. However, I think it's a lot of work, and depending on the person, it may not help much.
Two, we can just accept it. I think I've been doing a lot more of this than one, and it's really benefitive. (Is that a word?)
Rather than stressing out over why I'm this way, I just accept it, and decide that being any other way isn't that important.
Which brings me to three, both one and two. Not worrying about changing and still putting yourself in do or die positions every now and then. I think that's the best way to non-stressfully change little by little, if you feel like it.
>>3
[you should go to some geeky places (comic bookstores,computer stores) and talk to the people there]
u cant want to have geeky friendslol
well i can imagine how u feel. no one can live without interaction with other pple.
but i believe that u can be a very sociable and u can make friends with a lot of pple one day. i promise.
"It's not because of the people, it's me." is what u shouldnt forget. in other words, always be humble. a lot of pple who do not have any friends tend to think this way,"i dont have any friends, because they never understand me. and thats their fault"
u never ever think this way. always be humble and try to keep making effort. and one day, im sure that pple will like u as much as u like them.