Start grieving a relationship that will never improve, or keep trying to fix it? (6)

1 Name: Kaleidoscope : 2008-11-07 03:19 ID:+JVLOukj

I'm so close with my family. I've always felt so luck to have such a close-knit household to come home to. But my mom and I do tend to fight a lot, even though we're affectionate when we're not fighting.
I know every disillusioned teenager has said this, but she just does not understand me. She yells at me for being manipulative or purposefully trying to piss her off, even though I would never do something so idiotic. I am not manipulative and I sure as hell don't want her to be angry, since she yells at me and occasionally physically hurts me when she's angry. I would never bring that on myself. She says I'm being disrespectful all the time when all I'm doing is talking. I never know when I'm going to offend her. It's all based on her mood, really. I'm pretty sure she's undiagnosed bipolar or something.
Anyway, when we fight, she yells at me and I tend to get defensive, since she's calling me all these awful things and I have to tell her that I didn't mean to come off that way at all. It's hard because I'm quick to tears, and if I start crying she calls me a drama queen and insists that I stop being ridiculous.
The thing is, when I actually try to talk it out, she just leaves the room. So nothing ever gets done. She refuses to talk to me.
I'm just afraid that there's no way we're ever going to work things out. And I'm leaving for college next year, so time's running out.
I'm just so scared and frustrated. I don't want her to think of me as such an awful person.
But if I were really the kind of person she thinks I am, she'd have every right to hate me.
I just don't know what to do at this point.

2 Name: Anonymous : 2008-11-07 04:47 ID:wXuqPLvv

OP, I'm in a very similar situation as you. I'm heading off to college in the fall myself, and I intend to just get the hell away from my mom, because she seems to have no interest in being a real mother to me.

You, however, do have a family that you are close with. If you're close with any of your aunts or uncles on her side, maybe they could help you. I'd figure that she'd be more likely to listen to her siblings then either you or some random psychologist. Also, the next time she physically hurts you, call the cops. I know that it'll be immensely difficult for you, but it may be the only way to get her any help if she is indeed undiagnosed bipolar or somesuch. She doesn't sound like the kind of person that would either get help on her own or would be persuaded to get help.

But something strikes me as odd, OP. You said that "we're affectionate when we're not fighting," but how often is that and how sincere is the affection? Just trying to figure out the situation.

Anyhow, I think that going off to college will be a good thing for both of you, since you'll have some distance between you and won't have to see each other everyday.

Let us know how it goes, OP.

3 Name: Anonymous : 2008-11-07 07:41 ID:WSQHnpSw

Often the best that can happen in these situations is exactly a separation. It allows people to have less friction, and have a bit more perspective in their relationship.

So basically I would advise you to be patient until you leave for college. Also, once you leave for college, do not ever accept again her to molest you again. Perhaps this will happen naturally, but if not, do not tolerate it. Otherwise you will prolong a deleterious pattern.

My wife also had a very bad relationship with her mother, which also improved with separation, although it took years to normalize.

4 Name: Anonymous : 2008-11-07 09:08 ID:j5kjH37/

I don't know how to put it here, but maybe its better for OP to hear my story.
I've never been close to my dad, we're and have always been fighting and i don't even want to or care enough to show off any respect towards him. Makes no sense. If he doesn't know how to treat people with respect, why the hell should i do that to him?

With my mum its little different, I love her, but i don't know how to show it to her. It feels better not to show anything. I mean some emotions now and then, but not really go crazy about her. Like, sometimes i sound too brutal and too "not caring". I guess it hurts more on my mothers side to see such a cold behaviour from her children, but what can i do when i simply don't know/want to show her more caring?

So basically, OP, i want to tell you that i don't understand your problem with your mother. Right now I'm not regretting the way i have been behaving, and im 24; maybe it will change in the future, but not likely.

I guess its all about how parents raise their kids or how the environment they are living in changes them. Anyways, good luck and I sincerely hope it will work out the best for you!

5 Name: Anonymous : 2008-11-10 06:37 ID:Heaven

Separation really is the best. I was in a similar situation to you when I was younger, OP, and I ended up getting my custody switched. That also sucked. Now I live alone, but across the street from my mother and step-father and sisters, and next door to my father. Though my father is still tolerable only in low doses, I have a great relationship with everyone now.

One point I disagree with >>2 on is calling the police. It's one thing if it's real pain, as in, full beatings, but by now, you're what, 17, 18? There's doubtfully a real threat... If you think there is one, or if you have younger siblings that she's being abusive to, though, call the cops, or go stay with a friend or something.

Most teenagers go through this. It's not too late for anything, just go with it, finish off the bullshit that is highschool, and get out of there. By your early to mid 20's, you'll either have realized that some of your actions were wrong, or some of your mother's actions were wrong, or probably a little of both. Don't worry about anything, answers and improvement will come, and very soon for that matter.

6 Name: 2 : 2008-11-12 04:29 ID:JVrMhXsY

>>5

I only recommended that OP call the cops because I'm not sure how bad OP's mom's mood swings are and how violent she gets. From what OP has told us, we know that his/her mom has some pretty crazy mood swings and probably needs to be on meds, so I was recommending the cops as a last resort if his/her mom refused to see a doctor or family therapist, or if OP just didn't want to wait it out until college. Sorry if that wasn't too clear.

This thread has been closed. You cannot post in this thread any longer.