My life has always been rather sad when I take a look at it. Well, my family has not been in a bad condition or anything, but I still was in alot of stress. It was for two reasons: the first would be my father's quickly changing personality, and the outlook on the world I took on. My father was an amazing, intelligent and hard-working person, but for this reason he also constantly experienced alot of stress and was at times verbally or physically aggressive. I knew very well that he knows it's bad but his work was so extremely dangerous(veterinarian dealing mostly with large animals) it could be understood. Nevertheless, the stress from such events deeply shaped me and I became reclusive, despite my father actually being one of the few people I could have complex, long discussions with. Indeed, at one time, also influenced by envy at my older sister, I decided to be a "scientist", or an intellectual in general. I desperately wanted to prove my knowledge to everyone and so I constantly aimed at best scores at school, and aside of that I was always ready either to help others or to show them my knowledge. This was my way of life, and also my delusion.
I really admired my father, and I somehow concluded that he wanted me to follow in his steps. To do so, in high school I went for the chemistry-biology profiled group. And this is when it begun. Up until then the only problems in school were my relationships with other people, because I was very shy and cried easily, and also because I was active during lessons, they shunned and terrorised me, while the teachers respected me. However, in high school, in the group that I had chosen, I quickly realised that something was going very wrong, either with me or with the system. Basically, although my interests and hobbies are of broad range, back then I realised that I'm a humanist. I always loved biology and chemistry, but the way they were taught in high school was very unpleasant to me. I always tried to study as much as I could, but I couldn't adjust to chemistry and biology in high school. And I was frustrated. While I was extremely interested and doing very well in such subjects like geography, social studies, history and languages, I was extremely annoyed at myself that I probably wouldn't be able to efficiently learn the material necessary to pass veterinary studies entrance exams.
One day I talked to my father about this, and he very wisely, very kindly said that I should go forward and shape my future as I wish. Then, I decided to go for culture-linguistics studies, choosing Korean as the main subject. And I was very satisfied. This was the universitic field I was destinied for, in a way. I could discuss endlessly with the lecturers, learn new information and vocabulary, and then after returning home I would be discussing this with my father. Of course, my mother was very interested too, but she has always been preoccupied with her own matters. Well, time passed and I decided, with some ideas given by my father, to choose a second field of studies, and it was Law. I thought that knowledge of Asian languages coupled with lawyer qualifications would get me a great job. So, on the third year of Korean studies I chose to start Law. But after one semester, "it" happened.
My father died in a car crash with a train, but actually it wasn't the main cause of death, most likely. I knew he had been a brilliant, professional driver. And my suspicions were right - he had a cardiac arrest while driving - and it can be understood, given his constant stress. Anyway, my life broke down then. My father had always been telling me to keep going forward and do the best I can do, but the different formalities, supporting my mother and sister plus my own frustrations brought me a very bad mental state. I returned to studies after a while, but I couldn't pick up a pace. A person should study for their own satisfaction and for the one of others, but without my father and with my mother frustrated, I couldn't turn to anyone to talk and discuss, especially since I practically have no friends. I started having problems in some subjects, and aside of that my eyes opened and I saw how bad this world is, or more like - how bad can people be. Cruel, pointless formalities, focusing on personal gain at the cost of peace of others, lack of understanding - this made me close, seclude even more than before. And I got tired. Very, very tired.
Yesterday, I failed my Korean exam. Which got a very bad effect on me, for two reasons - I was studying very hard, and the same day I brilliantly passed a law exam. So, my temporary, slight moment of happiness was brutally broken. And, I lost belief in myself. How do I look like now? A miserable person who, in helping others, lost sight of himself and personal matters? A person who disappointed his family and memory of his father? A person bordering complete insanity and mental breakdown? I do not know. One thing I know is that since yesterday I have been crying almost constantly. I kept going forward, trying to be strong, trying to do my best, and what I got was curelty, lack of understanding from others and complete lack of satisfaction. I was supposed to be good at what I am doing, and I got nothing. Nothing good came. So, I don't know what to do. I am sitting in a room in a rented flat in another city and I do not plan to return to my hometown for this weekend. I don't want to burden my mother any more, but at the same time I want to be listened to.
That's why I desperately wrote this text. People who haven't gone through what I lived through won't understand, but still, I want to discuss, maybe some of you will have something to say that will make me think, give me some idea. On the sidenote, I know I should support others, but at the same time I am frequently getting suicidal thoughts, so I'm "torn".
I hate intelligent people like you but from reading your story on what's going on with you, I have changed a little on views of people like you. I hate people, simple as that. I don't like what, who, and how we are. Nothing is very interesting to me unless I find it interesting. Your story is interesting. It tells me that even an intelligent person like you can get down sometimes.
I will tell you this. Leave your damn intellectual mind out of the way and think about yourself, your family, especially your dad. Just because you dad passed away doesn't you go broken down badly. You need to get up, stand up, and resume your walking down your path. If not, then whatever your dad stood for and about you will die. I'm sure he wouldn't like in the state you are in. I think he would be more happy enough to see you do the things you can do for yourself. To be happy. People stress in their lives and some of them can't handle it anymore. However, I get the feeling that this is not your limit. This is not where you should stop and just cry about. I think you need to better yourself than what and who you are now. Continue to support yourself. Continue to support your mother and your sister. They need you and you need them.
I don't have friends either. Even though I called them friends they are only just a mere acquaintance to me. I only knew them in my school days. I was afraid if any of them would still contact me after high school and so it happened anyways. To me they are not my true friends but just friends I just hang out with, do you know what I mean?
I think you need to do some soul searching yourself. Get to know yourself better than anyone else.
The problem is, Ryuuichi, that I thought exactly as you advised me to do so, right after my father died. And I was aiming to do my best constantly, but now that I saw cruelty of people - those who laugh at me, the ones who are overly formal or simply don't understood. Frankly speaking, I would get over this failed exam and do it once more, but the thing that caused me to break down was the fact that I was most likely unfairly judged - because I am more than sure the problems lied in the speaking part, with which I have problems with. No, not because I'm lacking some grammar and vocabulary or something of this sort, but because I have always been shy and had difficulties speaking face to face. On top of that, due to massive amounts of stress nowadays I started to stutter. And I think the examiner, despite knowing my circumstances, didn't understand me. Well, now I know it's pointless to set up high expectations for people, but nonetheless, it's extremely frustrating do do badly in a field of research despite intense studies. All of this, coupled with other factors, made me feel very very sad.
Keep going forward, yes, for the sole purpose of "trying" and keeping on living. That's what my father believed in and what I used to think too. But what can I do now, seeing all of this is pointless? I'll tell you something - my father had two strong beliefs. The first one was that all people are good, and the second that animals can see "aura" of a person, thus understanding his or her emotion better than a human. The second belief I truly understand, and in fact I have always been treating animals with respect, trying to save snails and insects of every kind whenever I saw them in danger. That was what gave me satisfaction, along with helping other people, because not only I helped someone/something but I proved my capability. However, the first belief is still puzzling me. After all, my father himself had constantly been dealing with annoying people and this brought him great stress and maybe even indirectly caused his death. Why are all people good? My father never explained this to me in detail, and while I know he had a good reason to think so(he was very intelligent), I still can't get it, especially since I am experiencing alot of society-connected frustrations.
Nonetheless, thanks for a good reply. I think we are on the same ground when it comes to relationships with other people and "friends".
two thoughts I want to leave you with:
Honestly, all your problems seems to arise from your lack of self-confidence and a desire for acceptance. Develop self-confidence and I guarantee you that alot of your burden will be relieved.
aww.. i wish i could help you.. i think you need a little time off from things to get back n track or just retake the exam and kaboom pass it after all :3
good luck op, im sorry about the loss of father!
I also sometimes have trouble speaking to other people face to face but I got to a point where I just don't give a damn what people think and what I'm going to say to them because to them, they don't matter to me at all. What I say to them it seems they take it for granted. Words people hear are words people will think about you. It stupid, isn't it? So it's either you don't give a damn what you say and what they think or you give a damn and you are careful about what you say and what they are thinking. So which is the best for you?
You know what? I think it's best to say whatever you want to say to them. Be dead frankful to them. Sometimes it even helps to say what you think in your mind out loud. I know action speaks louder than words but words can sometimes reach out to another person's mind. Sometimes action helps, sometimes words helps. You just gotta see the situation and do which best fits for that situation.
I don't like talking to people who don't give a damn what I'm trying to say to them. Basically not paying attention to what I want to say. When you engage in a conversation, it's important that both of you are in the same page and that both of you are understanding each other. Sure you stutter, so what? Take a damn deep breath, say I'm sorry let me take it from the top, and tell the words again to them. Give them a piece of your mind, my friend.
OP, I think your father was a good man, and I am sorry for your loss.
Perhaps he was trying to give you a positive outlook on life when he told you "all people are good". Honest people see honesty in others. If you start to see selfishness and cruelty all around you, you'll just turn yourself into a cynical, bitter person. This kind of unhealthy attitude will reflect on to everything you do. Small failures will become catastrophes, and you will underrate your successes. I think your father wanted you to grow up to be a positive person, because positive people are strong people.
I think >>5 underestimates the stress that you are under, and how debilitating depression can be. Whilst a lot of the threads here are by posters that just need a good kick up the butt, I can sort of relate to how helpless you must feel right now. I didn't realise it at the time, but looking back, I had actually suffered depression. At my lowest point, just the act of going to school was exhausting for me. I would fall asleep in the car on my way to school, in classes, or at lunch. I took a break, sorted out my priorities, and decided to repeat the year. I was given a fresh new start the next year, at a new school, and I had goals in mind. I didn't meet anyone who I felt I could relate to, but met some people, who at the time were acquaintances. I didn't really mind at the time, as long as I was being myself. We later grew to be really good friends right up until this day. But not trying to please everyone, and standing up for yourself was hard. To cut a long story short, I am now in a place that I could've have only dreamt of 3 years ago. I am in my dream course, with great friends and everything. Sure, I have my ups and downs, but I never take my successes for granted, and I learn from my mistakes. Having friends and support makes a whole lot of difference, but I believe that there is only space for them when you sort yourself out first, and pull yourself out of this rut. Take it one step at a time, eventually you'll have taken so many steps that before you know it, you'll have come out of this a much stronger person.
I just re-read that...excuse the horrid grammar and sentence structure..it's late :[