I was on meds for 2 years. Lexapro for Social Anxiety and Depression. Have you guys been on meds? What type, what for, and life story.
OP must give to get, but why not some basics.
I have some adderall, but I don't take it anymore, I currently take a sleep aid (mildly antidepressant?) and two antidepressants, one of which i believe is also a stimulant. Mild stuff, if you want names I can give them, but I don't feel that it's important. On the current set of meds for six months so far, I avoided the idea like the plague because I felt as if my family had motives for putting me on something. To make things worse I started tripping from a reaction to some prescription and that scared me off drugs all too well. Thusly, in the past I've been off and on, considering the chaotic nature of my family.
At some points earlier I had opportunities for friends and marijuana that I passed up for more reasons of fear than morality. If I had taken those chances, MJ is an antidepressant, so even a little time off from being crazy maybe would have saved a couple years of my life (at the point I had it offered the most, I was hearing voices, suicidally depressed, and too creeped out to take it). Now I am out of high school, no success story, looking for a job. There's a lot more, but I wanna hear from op.
Sorry, my computer shut down when I was typing my response.
I started meds because of my problems with people. I don't really trust anyone around me at all, and that causes me to isolate myself completely. Thats why I started meds. At one point I couldn't even look people in the eye. I've recovered somewhat, and I got weeded off of meds, but I feel like my mind is slowly losing control. I have headaches all the time, nightmares about how im not good enough for anything, and fears about my life. I'll become angry for no good reason. Part of that is my self image too, and that I have some sort of unnatural obsession for a girl that doesn't like me in that way. I guess im just plain scared, of life, and of my feelings. The meds helped, because I didn't have to feel this fear, this passion, this rage.
So yeah, kind of crazy, but I can still function in society.
here's the longer version:
>>2
Back in college, I had problems with relating to people at my college and being open. I began to regress into my room for the most part after class, and at some point I completely regressed from classes and failed a few. My parents put me back in school thinking it was just mere incompetence, but it was because I began to have a fear of social situations from the lack of comfort in them, plus my track record socially is horrible. There was a point in my life were I couldn't even keep eye contact with anyone. That semester, I regressed so bad that I began to starve myself out of fear of social situations. Honestly I was a step away from killing myself. I stepped out of my room for something, I don't remember what, and I ran into someone my dad knows and was trying to get in contact with me for a week. They took me over to the counseling center and my parents rushed back in a panic. My Dad yelled, as he used to, and my mom took me to my grandparents to see a shrink. He gave me medication, but he didn't really help me counseling-wise. I couldn't really tell the difference, so I didn't care. It was then when I changed schools, because the one I was going to was my dad's and I hated it. After about 2 years, I loved the school I go to now and was able to get off the meds. Plus I made some friends along the way.
>>3, >>4, I get the depression causing you to lock yourself off. It was different for me. [Long Story, scrollers may wanna skip to the next paragraph.] I went through the motions when people were looking, was a hard worker when people were looking, but a zombie whenever there was no one expecting something of me. I fell into the trap of failing high school, a situation not aided by my reaction of isolating myself or being over-reactive to my chaotic family. I actually got my 'step-father' to hate me through all of this. That's what I'm good at, provoking either apathy or anger. I got a reputation for being an oddity, not really a human. Even now, I'm a fuck-up, just trying for a job at this season and economy is insanity. Especially without references. Even though I'm alone in a city, looking for a job, with only a few distant people who give a damn, I feel better. Both from meds and trying to devote time to constructive projects I can tolerate living in a box with no one else. Pressure from others to get in gear begot more pressure driving me insane.
Now, with occasional trips to a clinical psychiatrist I feel better. Also, the hearing voices was hopefully, probably, not schizophrenia. If it was, and I'm schizophrenic, that's like a doom bell waiting to ring. I somehow don't worry about this state of being able to function (discontent yet able) ending. I will not allow myself to despair, and I will not worry about what others think. I find it difficult to focus and I am moody without the meds, and I simply feel balanced with them. I probably can phase out the meds by the time I'm actually prepared to put my brain to work. Everything will turn out. I gave up on the girls I couldn't get, the life I was living, everything in the past. Fine. But right now I have the time, energy, and inertia to actually make things happen.
Man, I wish sometimes I could just let go. But I can't. Some things leave an imprint on you, ya know? Sorry to hear about your job problems. But I don't think your a fuck up at all. You sound like your trying. Only fuck ups don't try. Hang in there buddy.
What kind of jobs are you looking for?
Anything really. Being a gamer, I have a good shot at hiring to a game store. I'm trying everywhere though. I spend most of my time on projects though, writing, drawing. One of my editors for writing (one of very few true friends) told me to just focus on that, but I don't have that kind of reckless faith in myself. It keeps me sane in an absurd world. If I didn't spend my energy somehow, living here would just be solitary and daydreams.
Still, yes, things will get better, even if I needed meds to start the journey. I'm more than a statistic, and even if it was hopeless I'd be trying anyway. Living is striving, when you stop trying you're dead. We're not on this channel to pity, but to say how far we've gone and how far we can go.
Back on topic, how much of your getting better do you attribute to drugs and how much to other things?
The drugs helped me out of the hole I created for myself, and the changes in my life help me to stay out of it. There was a point where I wanted to off myself every single day. I'd say if something major had happened then, I would have probably gone off the deep end. An hero and such. The meds helped my mood tremendously, though my drive lessened and I kind of skated though those 2 years in a daze. Great friends that I eventually opened up to this year help a shitload. And it doesn't hurt to have a girl in your life, whether she's your girlfriend or not. I think that getting reattached to society and finding that not everyone is judging you and tearing you down all the time really helped with my recovery. Not only that, i'm finally doing something I believe in, even if it isn't a solid income based job.
So you draw? What do you like to draw?
I try to draw, but I need a lot of work, I do absurd landscapes and monsters mainly. Humans too, but It's more difficult. Writing is what I'm spending most of my time on these days. I hear you on the girl in your life bit, I have one friend like that and it's good to get out of the house once in a while and hang out. I've found that focusing on doing real groundwork for my goals helps. I aim to work in video games at some point, so I guess learning programming and working on my art can't hurt.
What are you aiming for in life, now that you have control?
Well, I want to draw for a living. That's why i'm going to art school for a basic drawing education. Right now I just want to master my craft and then work on the business end of it. I found that having something that i'm passionate about makes me want to learn and do way more than I did. Dude, you should totally do programming. Those guys go 60,000 and up in the industry, and everyone needs programmers to do the dirty shit.
I want to learn programming to understand it, but from what I know so far it doesn't feel like something that would be enthralling as a career. Programming is really my "back door option" if I can't get my art up to my standards within a year and attend an art school. There's a lot of good art schools nearby. If you haven't noticed, with art and programming, I'm aiming towards working in the games industry. Past that job, all other dreams are hobbies: serious but not what I'll spend most of the next ten years on barring some sudden success.
The gaming industry eh? character design, level details, storyboards, all that stuff? Here are some GREAT sites to look at:
http://www.sirmikeofmitchell.com/apedogs/index.php?sid=10c268e232f2a2e609826aca381a2fcb
http://satellitesoda.com/phpBB3/index.php
www.conceptart.org
http://www.drawingboard.org/
(site's down at the moment. bookmark it though)
http://comicrazys.com/category/famous-artists-cartoon-course/
http://mohey.abnormisapiens.com/wiki/?n=ArtList001
(has a BUNCH more sites and ref works)
http://www.creativeuncut.com/game-art-galleries.html
(video game art galleries)
These places are a great start into drawing. Also, if you go to art school, work yer ass off with open models and still lifes. And it takes a LONG time to get good. But its the best thing in the world to me man.
I was on lexapro for about a year for social anxiety.
I helped reduce the physical symptoms, such as my heart beating like crazy and loss of breath when I considered going into specific situations.
I was on lexapro and then switched to celexa for anxiety and depression. It helps to make things less miserable, can't fault it there.
Was taking quite a bit of lamictal without much luck. As time went on I was only becoming more upset and frustrated. I shared some of my feelings with someone who flipped out and told on me. Thus, I was handed celexa to add to my train of pills.
i got a host of issues and it's taken years to find the right rx mix but everyone is different. i'm still working on the optimum dsages. i can't survive w/o my meds.
ritalin for ADD
gabapentin for social anxiety and general anxiety
celexa for depression and anxiety
lamictal for bipolar type II
i've come to accept the fact that i'll be on meds for life
I take Zoloft and Ambien. I tried to come of the Zoloft recently, but I had no luck. I tried really hard but I couldn't cope very well without it. I'm in the middle of an important year (with regard to exams) and I don't want to fuck everything up, so although the antidepressants make me feel much more slow, mentally, I'm going to keep them up until after my exams and then try to get off them again. Then again, I'm not sure how much they are helping. Since I have got back on them, they haven't made me feel much better. I'm really glad I read the stories of people getting better in this thread though.
>>I felt as if my family had motives for putting me on something
This is how I feel a lot of the time. My parents won't let me quit (I'm 18 and still live with them), so the last time I tried to come off them I had to do it in secret. Probably one of the reasons I failed.
I've been on Ritalin, Seroquel, Abilify, a handful of benzos and just about every SSRI/SRNI there is.
Life story summarized: Shy, quiet all my life. When I was about 9, 10 I would threaten to kill myself for various reasons. I ended up going to a psychiatrist, and initially was diagnosed with ADHD. Later on, that turned into depression and social anxiety disorder.
Eventually, I recalled repressed memories of sexual abuse, and that triggered a psychotic depressive episode, lasting about a year. I ended up being kicked out of high school for poor attendance as a result of these problems, and I spent the next 6 years - without exaggeration - virtually alone, if you do not include my family. Every day was spent without friends, in my house doing whatever I could pass the time with. By this time I was about 17. This is around when I got into drugs.
From 17 onward, I got heavily into drugs (marijuana, opiates, hallucinogens, stimulants). I ended up suffering from hallucinations and was diagnosed with disorganized schizophrenia, and put on anti-psychotics. I spent some time in and out of psychiatric hospitals, being put through bullshit treatments. Eventually I gave up on all of it, stopped my medication and simply got a job. I saved up a ton of money - since I didn't have many expenses.
After that, I decided on impulse to travel to India and spent 6 months travelling there. That was pretty cool and turned my life right around. When I got back, I enrolled in school and graduated with a Bachelor of Journalism. Now, I wouldn't say I have any problems, since I finally found balance. In the end, I'd have to say after all that, medication did more harm to my conditions than good.
>>18
How did you go from having no friends or social contact to being heavily involved in drugs?
What do you mean? Are you saying you can't use drugs without friends? No social contact does not mean I don't know anybody to buy weed or coke off of. It's easy to get where in my country.
>>20
I'm not doubting you, just interested :)
How did you get along in India? I would really like to do something like that, impluse travelling. But I don't know if I would be able for it.
As of now, I am on Alprazolam, Pramipexole, Paliperidone, and Desvenlafaxine. The last two are Pristiq and Invega. I was just taken off a mix of Zoloft and Risperdal. I have no reason why they took me off of it, I was liking the reaction. It is supposed to treat my Schizoaffective disorder, but this medication is worse than what I had before. Why? Because this one does not work at all, and it just makes my lactate. Pretty gross, but it's completely honest.
I was on some awful so-called anxiety drugs and other crap.They had me on Nurontin ,depakote,trazadone,seraquel,ativan,diazapem,klonopin,chloral hydrate(for sleep),weelbutrin,and some other crap I can't remember but know it's CRAP.I was told by the VA and Solano county that cannabis was not a medicine.They WERE WRONG it is a medicine and I use it for anxiety,pain,and a sleep aid.California leads the way of course when it comea to reform.The liberal cannabis law has made replacing these REAL BAD DRUGS that the drug companies PUSH.They are the REAL DOPE pushers.
I think I need some. But you don't just go to the doctor and tell him you think you're depressed/mentally ill. That just sounds like a bad, dubious attempt at abusing health care (Ontario, Canada here). But a referral is required to see specialists, psychiatrists included.
My doctor's receptionist is good friends with my family. My family thinks this is all bullshit, so I don't want them to know and add it to their arsenal to attack me. The catch is, it's the receptionist's responsibility to make appointments with the specialists, so she would immediately find out and tell. I also don't have the choice of switching family doctors unless I'm lucky enough to find one who accepts new patients within an hour drive./yet another reminder of how lonely a battle life is
Isn't there some sort of confidentially that medical staff are supposed to be beholden to?
>>25
There is, but she would still blabber on. So what if she does breach it? It's very difficult to find another family doctor that accepts new patients, so I'm stuck.
Well, if she broke it the company involved would be liable for damages incurred. In other words sue the bitch. Family members don't really get it unless they really do care about you. If your family doesn't care, then get a job and get the hell out of that place and find people who do care. Life is a lonely battle for everyone, but it doesn't have to be painful. We can work towards making the quality of life better. Besides, people who go through something gain more knowledge and insight than people who don't. Suffer unto truth. You won't appreciate the pain that you are going though now, god knows I don't, but bro, you are still alive, and have food, clothing, and shelter. As long as you have a way to live, there is a way. The only crime is stopping.
>>22
you were on zoloft and risperdal? i was recently prescribed that, but the zoloft was changed to ah.. effexor sr i believe before ive taken it, since it was said to be more effective. ive never had medication before and havent started taking these yet but what was it like for you, the two of them? even some experience on the risperdal would be good, thank you.