Guys
My sister and I- we grew from siblings who used to thrash each other to death to being pretty tight now- like sticking up for each other and such.
I am fond of her. I am proud of her. She is the 'bestest' younger sister one can have.
But when someone calls my sister hot, I feel some sort of complex. I dont' know why.
I mean, I know that we're hot/cute in our own ways but when I hear people say it about her, I just feel a strange crumbling feeling inside.
I know we aren't the same person, and we both have our respective talents. I dont' want to feel this way, But inevitably I do.
I feel like I'm no good, when people call her pretty and stuff.
It's guess you can say it's more of hating myself, than hating her.
Please help me.
In essence, you envy your sister. Envy is a powerful poison. It corrodes our inner self, and causes us to spill unhappiness onto those around us. But envy is also a good thing: it's a rare opportunity that you should exploit to the fullest.
Envy points towards something deep in us: a need, a desire, sometimes an ambition. Envy is very impolite in pointing fingers at our inner workings, regardless of whether we like it or not. Your envy is a tool that you should use to learn more about yourself: for instance: are you envious of your sister's beauty, or the praises that she gets, or the kind of people from which she gets that praise? These are all subtly different, and it would be good to know which of those are concerned. Either way, it seems that it's very important for you to have beauty, or to be praised for your attractiveness, or to elicit attraction from a certain group of people. Perhaps you thought you were above that, or perhaps you did not realize the strength of your need/desire for those things. Now - thanks to envy - you know it.
The big mistake would be to self-hate yourself for that need. That want, or need, is just part of what you are. It does not mean that you will always be so, but at the moment, it really is a chunk of you, and you should respect it. Think about it: do you cook meat for a vegetarian? Do you insult religion in front of your very pious grand-mother? Not if you respect and care for those persons. You should be equally respectful about yourself. You should accept certain aspects of yourself (no denial), and actually cater for them, out of care and generosity for whom you presently are. By this I do not mean that you should undergo plastic surgery, but that you should take stock of the fact that your aspect or the appraisal from others is important for you, and so devote some effort into developing your own style and appearance. Angrily reacting against that would just be a form of self-mutilation that will do you no good, and create some real self-hate.
The crumbling that you feel are the cracks in your self-image, threatened by the presence of your sister. But think again about this: why does your sister cause this? I'm sure you'll agree that there are plenty of women more beautiful or that get more praise than your sister, and it does not bother you at all. Why? Because of a form of self-delusion that continuously affects your thinking. You probably dismiss those women by some sort of rationalization. You're so used to it that you don't even notice it. But your sister is too close to you, and that self-deception crumbles. This is a great opportunity to notice the veil of self-delusion, understand how it works, and rip it apart. Don't waste it.
Nevertheless, despite all the good points of envy, in the end it's a negative force in your live that you need to neutralize. Envy is often the original cause of family break ups, don't let that happen to you. The best way to control envy is first to realize it (done), accept it (nearly there), and move full on against it. Praise your sister even if it bothers you. However it pains you, accept that she is pretty , and that people will say she is pretty. Accept that it bothers you that you are envious. By facing head on these realities, you will get used to them. In time they will affect you less and less. Actually, there will be a time when you will see this with detachment, because you have accepted it from your inner self, you do not need to force it down on yourself. By then you will have actually matured. Being able to realize and neutralize your envy before it controls you is a precious skill, it will give your character a lot of depth, because it requires acceptance of your weaknesses, but also the fortitude to deal with the fallout.
> envy
I was afraid of that. Are you sure?
Because I am not envious of her beauty as such. (because I am aware of what makes me beautiful) Nor the kind of people she gets it from.
It's just what I hear that kinda bites- when people say I am 'cute' and hear from them she is 'hot'.
(In case you were wondering, it isn't that I wish to be 'hot' or anything)
It's just that people say she looks mature than me. And people also say we look alike. I don't know. When they say all that,it just bites.
> devote some effort into developing your own style and appearance.
I do have my own style and appearance. Picture Dark haired gypsy or something. I do stand out because I create art, write poetry and I got a rock n roll guitar-chick thing going on.
Maybe 'hate myself' was too strong a phrase but honestly, what I meant was I was 'pretty bummed out'.
I am happy with who I am. I've never wanted to be anyone else. Not even in my teen years when one wished they were the popular one.
Envy traditionally works with hate, I don't hate her.
And I don't keep my friends away from her- most people I know do that out of this 'Envy' with their siblings.
No.2, I just need to know what to tell myself to feel alright.
>I was afraid of that. Are you sure?
Yep, you're having a textbook case of envy. You are annoyed because your sister is receiving something (or more of something) that you would like to receive also/instead.
>Envy traditionally works with hate, I don't hate her.
You are badly mistaken. Envy does not exist only between enemies, it exists between parents and their children, within a couple, etc. And you've got it backwards: it's not hate which produces envy, but envy that can corrupt love into hatred.
>I just need to know what to tell myself to feel alright.
It won't work to tell yourself something. That's the usual self-delusion strategy that is precisely failing here, because of your sister's proximity. You need to do things: you need to realize that you're feeling envy. You need to understand why you are feeling envy (and not enumerate what is not causing envy). You say that you are happy with who you are, but your envy shows that there is something amiss. It's your homework to find with an open mind exactly what it is. Finally, you need to face your envy (not deny it), and cope with it. Just what I wrote in >>2.