I'm 21 years old.
I lost my virginity around 20 days ago.
I knew things would get steamy, but I didn't think I would go all the way.
More than me losing it, but more of who I lost it to- I never liked that guy that way, he was a Joker but he annoyed me.
I remember in one of our conversations, he once said 'You know how to take a man to heaven'. I just 'lol'd' it off but I thought in my head 'Well, I won't ever be taking you there'.
After that night, I wanted to to it again, I remember.
What the fuck brain, I thought.

I've been crying now and then, right from the bus trip back to this day.
What adds to the guilt was- I wanted it at that point. I wanted it...but didn't want it. I wanted it too much to have fought away. My mind tends to replay the events of that fateful night, and goes off on alternate endings 'If you had just left that room...'
'If you didn't go on that holiday trip and rotted in your Hostel room instead...'

Side note- There is a lad I like, we talked everyday since I knew him in September. Whom I -wanted- to lose it to.
But clearly, shit happened before that. Another guilt fuel.
I told him what happened, and he said nothing was going to change between us. He said I was brave to tell him and he would make me forget. Now, we're more than what we meant to each other before. So one can say this awful incident came with this singular blessing.

Still, how do I get over the guilt? How do I stop these memories from playing in my head? I need to get over it as soon as I possibly can. I have things to do, like my thesis and stuff.
Please help me because I can't talk to anyone else about it.