I'm 22, I study mathematics. I used to skateboard and drink lots of alcohol in my 13-18s. My parents would always give me money and I would leave the house for 8-10 hours, skateboarding and drinking. I do not remember much from that age. I do remember myself being an exceptional kid earlier than that. Others would always tell me how smart and kind I am. I was also a brat sometimes, bragging about the expensive stuff that I would get from my parents (but I do remember that I did this without malice). I also remember myself having philosophical thoughts. A particular one was that I was wondering about infinite universes hiding inside the atoms. I remember having problems in school (being called hyperactive).
Later, in high school, things would get much worse, and most teachers would consider me the worst of the worst. I would often be a human shield for other students. When something in class went wrong and some student was blamed, if I judged that the teacher was incorrectly blaming him/her, I would do something even more stupid, so that the attention would drift to my case. This naturally caused me to have many enemies in the teachers' circle. My life would be wasted if I hadn't gotten a computer. I started learning programming on my own and I pretty much mastered it. I did this because I wanted to be a hacker. I had deep political convictions back then, and I wanted to push my own agenda by hacking important servers and putting up messages. I did not succeed, but I later lost interest in that. This interest in programming, however, saved me: I learned to study on my own, and when the time came, I managed to get into university and study maths. I was always very good at maths.
I am proud of my story. Now I am a very successful student. I'm on my way to USA for my PhD. All things gone right, except that I feel extremely lonely. I don't know what to do about this loneliness. I don't know what else to write here. Please talk with me.
I am glad that you did not become a hacker. Prison is not really a nice place for smart guys. Find a job and make some friends.
You are getting PHD great!! But what is more important is getting proper good paying job! Good luck
I think your story is great, sorry you feel so lonely.
I also think getting a computer saved my life. A lot of my middle school and high school friends drank and did drugs, but early on I was never really tempted to join them because there were so many incredible things I could do with my computer. If I spent my time on the internet, I could make new friends, build websites and learn new things. It always seemed like a much better time investment.
I went through a brief period in high school where I did drugs. My main motivation was loneliness and curiosity. It didn't last long, but around that period I made lot of bad decisions and felt horrible about myself. I even contemplated suicide around that time.
Eventually, I realized I was just in a vicious cycle of bad behavior and knew I wanted to change. Once again, I went back to my computer and started to teach myself things. I learned how to be less shy. I joined some forums dedicated to self-improvement. I changed how I acted in school and started to make more friends IRL. Not long after, I started programming again and started my own business while still in school.
Thanks for sharing your story OP. I'll keep this thread open in a tab and check back periodically if you ever come back and want to chat.
Same goes to anyone else who wants to share a story or talk. Let's fight our loneliness together.
Our stories have similarities. I hope you get to read this message.
It's been many months since I posted >>1. Let's see what changed and what stayed the same:
I am still kinda lonely but not as much as before. I have finally found out the source of my problems: It was alcohol all along. I went to a psychologist for the first time in my life. I guess I was lucky because in just 2 dates I already had figured out what was wrong. After I told him my story he told me I'm an alcoholic (before the first date with him I had a couple of binge drink episodes that brought me to my knees, even though I was sober from 01-01-14, which was the reason I went to him). I also discussed anger issues and loneliness.
He wanted me to focus on figuring out who I am and what I want from others and then to search for it. He also wanted me to sign up for some group therapy for alcoholics. I didn't want to do any of that so I stopped going to him. I believe that after realizing that I am an alcoholic, I can finally face it properly by never drinking again and always denying a drink no matter what others say to persuade me (you wouldn't believe how persistent some people are! especially those that don't know me).
Turns out this was the real source of my problems: loneliness emerged as a side-effect because I considered myself different from others; I didn't know I was craving alcohol. Anger also disappeared for the most part and I managed to fix my relationship with my parents, or at least improve it by a lot. I used to think anger was a part of my personality (and that's why I used to let myself get carried by it), but after realizing I'm an alcoholic I realized it's just another side-effect of addiction.
It's crazy how alcohol changes a person. It turns you into a monster, a pathetic person, a sad being. Your real self asphixiates while addiction controls your every thought. I'm glad I got off that track.
I'm still alone, but I see life through a different lens. I am much happier. For example, a girls rejection is much easier to accept. I no longer think "something is wrong with me". I know what's wrong with me. :)
I don't know if I am going to be accepted for the PhD in US. I have applied though. I'm waiting for their reply. My only addiction right now is computers. I need to get off of them. I need to exercise more and I need to study more. I believe I can do it.
I hope you find this message uplifting, because that's what I want it to be. If my story can inspire others, all the better.