Our stories have similarities. I hope you get to read this message.
It's been many months since I posted >>1. Let's see what changed and what stayed the same:
I am still kinda lonely but not as much as before. I have finally found out the source of my problems: It was alcohol all along. I went to a psychologist for the first time in my life. I guess I was lucky because in just 2 dates I already had figured out what was wrong. After I told him my story he told me I'm an alcoholic (before the first date with him I had a couple of binge drink episodes that brought me to my knees, even though I was sober from 01-01-14, which was the reason I went to him). I also discussed anger issues and loneliness.
He wanted me to focus on figuring out who I am and what I want from others and then to search for it. He also wanted me to sign up for some group therapy for alcoholics. I didn't want to do any of that so I stopped going to him. I believe that after realizing that I am an alcoholic, I can finally face it properly by never drinking again and always denying a drink no matter what others say to persuade me (you wouldn't believe how persistent some people are! especially those that don't know me).
Turns out this was the real source of my problems: loneliness emerged as a side-effect because I considered myself different from others; I didn't know I was craving alcohol. Anger also disappeared for the most part and I managed to fix my relationship with my parents, or at least improve it by a lot. I used to think anger was a part of my personality (and that's why I used to let myself get carried by it), but after realizing I'm an alcoholic I realized it's just another side-effect of addiction.
It's crazy how alcohol changes a person. It turns you into a monster, a pathetic person, a sad being. Your real self asphixiates while addiction controls your every thought. I'm glad I got off that track.
I'm still alone, but I see life through a different lens. I am much happier. For example, a girls rejection is much easier to accept. I no longer think "something is wrong with me". I know what's wrong with me. :)
I don't know if I am going to be accepted for the PhD in US. I have applied though. I'm waiting for their reply. My only addiction right now is computers. I need to get off of them. I need to exercise more and I need to study more. I believe I can do it.
I hope you find this message uplifting, because that's what I want it to be. If my story can inspire others, all the better.