lost fain in humans (11)

1 Name: Anonymous : 2015-01-23 15:01 ID:nuYSVlxP

I'm 25 years old living in taiwan at the moment, Over the years i've experienced shitloads of things. When i was 16 i went through major depression till i was 18, people at school often mocked me either for my fat (i was pretty chubby back then) or just cos i was too nice, during those two years i've attempted suicide twice but failed. A Old close/best friend of mine saved me back then and inspired me to keep living and work hard. I've met girls who tried to take advantage of me because i was being too nice, i end up getting hurt my self many times in the past. I lost one of my really important/close/best friends in the past during the same time my parents got divorced also during the time my first girlfriend cheated on me. after my parents divorce and gf cheating i fell back into a deep anxiety that whenever im sleeping i feel like im getting chocked. There was one night that the anxiety was so bad i had to go to hospital at 2AM cos i was unable to breathe. The chocking lasted for about 6 months till i started to get better. Music has always been my passion, I've managed to release my own EP on iTUNES and MV in the last 4 years but my father has always been trying to get me to stop and never really supported me in my music. During my 4 years doing music i've met many people who pretended they wanted to help me out, but end up just using me. People who knew i was doing music always wanted to know if i know any celebrity (i've met some during my music years) and wanted me to introduce to them. I also met girls who pretended to be nice to me so that i would like them and be their bitch and do whatever they wanted me to do. I've even met a girl who wanted to be famous that she got close to me and when she started to get popular, she threw me out as if i was a battery that ran out of electricity.

basically i feel like going through all these shit experience, i've lost faith in humans, i cant trust humans and i seem to hate them sometimes. even though I my self am a human but i just feel that humans in nature are just selfish, judgemental and destructive creatures. I've closed my personal facebook for almost a year and been socialy outcasted this whole year, i only have 3-4 close friends i occasionally meet up otherwise i dont really meet up with people. the reason i closed my facebook was that i felt people knew i was in trouble last year when i went through depression again but everyone acted if i was just a ghost, even when they saw me in person NO ONE asked me if i was ok or how i was doing. i use to say that im thankful for these shit experience i went through because i learned how to protect my self, but i guess i was just lying to my self, in all honesty i really hated these people that made me go through hell like that. i cant control my emotions and i get angry easily now, I'm normally a calm person who really tries to avoid trouble if i can, but sometimes i just explode and would try to imagine destroying everything i see. I really dont know what to do anymore.

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