For as long as I can remember from my middle school life- I have lived a complete wholesome lie. It's not one huge lie such as "I have cancer" or something- but tiny snippets of lies that just manifest and have the same affect as a big lie. I recently lost a best friend of 6 years to communication failure, my insecurity and my passionate love and affection for that best friend. After graduating from high school. I began to look at my life. That it wasn't bad.. but the things was. I didn't live it honestly.
Living a lie of:
being a non-virgin.
being arrested by the cops.
being drunk on multiple occasions when I wasn't.
being a smoker.
and acting like a know-it-all
and being an attention whore.
Just the general crap used to impress friends or groups of acquaintances...
Since the shock of losing my best friend helped me see things through her point of view and realizing that all the friends I have not only fear me- also dislike me as well. The many followers I still have that cling to me. Only disgust and repulse me. I'm becoming sicker and sicker of human contact, and I'm beginning to not care for a lot of things. Indifference? or carefree?
Other way- I can't help but sometimes feel that I am a completely ungrateful person.. and that I shouldn't have screwed up my friendship with that friend. and I shouldn't have stretched the truth about so many white lies, and own self-gain lies.
I regret everything... but regrets don't help anymore- and I've manage to move on.
I'm starting college in the spring.. and I hope to erase all the stupidity and start new.
I don't want to seem like I'm closing off my high school friends... but I need to let them realize- I need this new chance to feel better... and stop being so full of myself.
I just thought writing this out will clarify somethings... and it has. I can't really trust anyone... since all of them will turn a cheek just to gossip to others. This is my heaven from society.