When I was 14, I molested my sister. She was was almost four the first time and the second time was just after she turned four. The first time, I actually pulled her pants down and touched her bottom, but the second time was just me taking my time helping her in the restroom. Neither time did I ask her to touch me or even show her my penis.
I was recently recovering from a long amount of physical and emotional abuse from my father, and had previously been molested twice in my youth. I was also suffering from some fairly serious mental problems. I say this not to excuse my actions, but to provide more of an explanation of what was going on then.
As time went on and I have returned to a more normal mental state, I look back upon what I have done in horror and guilt. I don't really know what effects this may have had on my sister (she is still fairly young) but I don't really look back on my molestations negatively. I still feel guilty, though.
However, a larger emotion that I am now feeling is fear. What if she remembers? What if she does not? I certainly remember being that age, but I developed rather quickly. Her linguistic skills have always been behind. What if she remembers and eventually tells someone and my life is ruined? What if.... etc?
I one day want to have a family. I want to have a career. I'm not doing this again. Not only am I not attracted to children, but I couldn't stand to inflict this sort of thing upon anyone else, ever again. What I did was wrong. I regret it deeply. But I was an extremely fucked up 14 year old.
Should I admit what I did to my mother, risking fucking things up forever? Should I wait until she's older and then talk to her about it? Should I wait for her to approach me? Because of my father, I do not plan on having my own children, and instead want to adopt. However, what if I don't talk to her about it and when I have to go through the hoops for adoption, she tells someone about it? What if I do talk to her about it and she doesn't remember and I fucked things up for myself royally? What if she remembers and I explain and she doesn't understand? What if?
Please help me, 4-ch. Things are going to be okay for a few years now, I'm sure, but sooner or later, she's going to be old enough to really understand what happened, if she remembers. Most of the time, I'm completely fine, but sometimes when I think about this, I become a nervous wreck. I don't even see myself as the same person anymore. I feel like I just have to live with the consequences of what someone else dressed as me did.