cont.

You think I don't get it but I was in your same situation, basic needs covered, helped a bit with cleaning, and talked politely to my parents even if they were a pain in the ass to deal with, and lying to them about getting better and going to school/getting a job, all of this so I could continue with my depressing lifestyle. You aren't fooling anyone, your parents know, the people who have seen you know, they look at you with pity and without knowing how to help you out simply because you've been scraping by with the minimum and some out of the ordinary interests that they can't even comprehend.

If you want to fix yourself you really need to convince yourself that you are in complete control of your life, you don't need books, you don't need to buy stuff, all you need to do is observe your actions carefully and understand that everything that happens to you is because of your own will.

>"Oh cool, another essay, it's nothing that I haven't read before although it did have some interesting points. I might go out tomorrow. -tomorrow- Meh, I don't think going out will help, I still don't know what to do."

Circular thinking won't get you out of your rut, you need to make drastic changes if you want to see any positive effects. Throw yourself out there, talk to people and don't be afraid of blushing or stuttering, the worst that can happen is that people will look at you in a weird way our laugh at you but it's all up to you how to process the thoughts that emanate from their reaction, you can control these thoughts or let them fuck you over. Be honest to yourself and to others and don't be afraid of failure, the world is vast, teeming with similar people like you and opportunities.