Hopefully this isn't too deep for this board.
Lately the only emotion I have been experiencing is hatred. No one is good enough. No one is acceptable. When talking to people I get an overwhelming urge to push them on the ground and kick their head again and again until I feel their skull give and their brains slobber out.
The thought is satisfying but actually committing violence is antithetical to being true to myself. I'm repulsed by these violent thoughts but I have no outlet, no friends, very little to no comfort in my life.
I've considered killing myself but I just can't do it. Even worse I can't bring up these thoughts and feelings because two past attempts have been interpreted as drama rather than true attempts so if I actually do it then I'm going to surprise my small social circle.
Right now the only thing I want out of life is to smile as easily as other people. To have one or two good friends. To feel love and feel capable of giving love in kind rather than desperation borne of loneliness.