I've had my dog for eleven and a half years. Not once have I ever regretted having him be a part of my life. As with all pets though, the inevitable death is upon us. He contracted cancer six years ago but fought it off well. Six months ago he had tumors which we had removed, then three weeks ago we got the bad news. Lymphatic cancer, no chance of recovery... etc, etc. Unlike the first time I could tell he wasn't doing good. All he does is drink, and he barely eats. He's lost eight pounds in two weeks. We suspect he also has some fluid in his lungs... I wouldn't doubt it, as his breathing has started to become a chore. He pants as if he were constantly fatigued. His lethargy is the real killer... all save for when people come to visit him. He still manages to put on a show, albeit a short one. Those moments aside, seeing him lie motionless just brings me down so much.
It's strange, because I am an extremely jaded person. Even so, this dog helped me see that there are things in this world that aren't corrupt... but he'll be leaving me tomorrow. He isn't in obvious pain yet, but it's only a matter of time before he goes...
I made the decision to have him put down earlier this week. It was agonizing, but as I type this I wonder where the time went. I still have until 5 PM, but no amount of time is ever going to be enough.
Am I really doing the right thing? Last time I could tell he wanted to live. The vigor in his eyes is gone now, he just seems tired. I can't blame him.
It's just unbearable knowing he'll be gone. I've lost plenty of extended family during his time with me, but I've never felt this grief before. The last time I shed tears was as a child, but now they've come back to me, albeit silently.
I just wish there was something I could do, but there isn't. Even so, I feel so guilty about what I am going to do. Looking into his eyes is almost painful... it's almost as if he knows. Undoubtedly he can pick up on my sadness... perhaps he's reflecting it. Keeping him like this would be selfish though... and waiting until he cannot even bear to walk is cruel.
The least I can do is be with him as he takes his last breath. Even though he'll be sleeping I want him to know that I'm there with him, and that I'm so sorry that it had to come to this. If a dog is capable of forgiveness... then I hope he'll grant me it. This was the hardest decision I've ever made in my life.
I don't think I can ever bring this upon myself again. These past three weeks have been horrible, but I would give anything to just be with him longer. I just don't know what to feel right now. The grief will subside with time, but the memory of my companion will never leave me.
I just wish I had known. Every moment I had with him was a treasure.
I'm not really sure why I wrote this here. While I have other blogs, I don't think I can let the world know this weakness of mine. At the same time, I feel I am doing the greatest injustice possible to one of my greatest friends, especially if I can't even bring myself to acknowledge what it is doing to me.
So it is here, under the guise of anonymity, that I share my thoughts. Even if he forgave me I don't think I could ever forgive myself for what is to come. All I can do is be there with him as he exhales his final breath... but that will never be enough in my mind.