I don’t watch TV in Japan often. When I do I’m quickly reminded of one fact. Japanese TV is fucking rubbish.

“Kenmin Show” was on just last night. For those who don’t know, Kenmin Show is a show where mostly talentless celebrities are amazed at footage of regional differences in Japan. Examples include “Did you know that old women in Osaka wear bright colours?” HUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEERRR? Well fuck my cock right down to the balls; no I did not know that.

The particular clip that shat itself into my living room last night was of some little old dear on some little old island off Kagoshima making a local delicacy. They interviewed a few local people.

Do you, sir, eat this local dish?

Well yes I do.

Cue ripples of excitement in the studio.

Do you, madam, eat this local dish?

Well yes I do.

Talento bird with stupid fucking hat tries to look inquisitive.

We re-join the little old dear in her little old kitchen on some little old island off Kagoshima to watch her prepare the mystery dish. First she gets some fish and grills them. The panel in the studio comment on how nice they look. The old dear then pulls out the second ingredient. What could it possibly be? Tits on Christ it’s a secret. We can tell this ingredient is a secret because it has been edited in post-production and obscured with the word “SECRET”.

The panel, visible in little boxes in the corner of the screen, ponder the many wondrous possibilities. Some knob in thick rimmed glasses audibly asks himself, “What is this mystery ingredient?”

One guy on the panel, a Kagoshima native, is looking insufferably smug. He already knows what it is. The cunt.

Kitchen. We see the old dear breaking the fish apart with her fingers and throwing them in a pan. Some twat in the studio says “wild”, other twats giggle. The secret ingredient is introduced to the mix so that now the pan itself has become shrouded in secrecy.

It’s not over. We see a third ingredient, sugar. Not a secret, but no less important. In fact the sugar itself has inspired awe in a number of the studio audience. Not one, not two but THREE spoonfuls are added to the secret brew. The two hosts of the show, wide eyed, silently mouth the word “three?” to each other.

“Ah yes, three”, the smug fucker from Kagoshima nods to himself.

Back to the action. The feast is complete. The little old dear whisks the dish out into the dining area where it is received with rapturous applause from the eagerly waiting friends and family. They eat it. They confirm it is delicious. Talento bird in stupid hat says it sounds delicious. Cunt from Kagoshima already knows how it tastes!

Meanwhile, us poor saps at home still don’t know what it looks like. Not to worry, it’s time for the big reveal. Cue music, camera slowly pans down towards kitchen bench. What is it? Could it be?

CUT TO CLOSE UP OF TALENTO JIZZ FACES. HUUUUEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRR???!!!!

Commercial break. People eating. People gulping. Birds cleaning faces. People eating. Sexy yet compact cars. People eating.