How about a universal remote control, with a built-in taser attachment?
How about a universal remote control, with TWO built-in taser attachments?
How about instead of two taser attachments, a taser attachment and a dart shooter whose darts can be infused with your choice of drugs or poisons?
Why limit to one taser and one dart shooter? Have two interchangeable attachment slots so that you can have two tasers or two darts if you want.
How about using darts that tase upon impact instead?
How about adding LCD display to the RC that shows current state of voltage of the taser, remaining power, and ammount of darts with dosages of drugs, also showing of last 10 actions.
How about adding a camera\\recorder so you can relive the past 10 tazings?
Why the past 10? They need to be uploaded to YouTube live, as they happen!
Let's replace the dart thing with pepper spray dispenser. That way you can also use it to season your foot. Mmmmm, incapacitating...
I still think a system for swappable components is the way to go. Then you're open to all sorts of combinations.
I'd like a pepper spray dart myself. There are so many practical uses for sending pepper spray over a long distance.
It should also contain space for 60BG of music, and should be called iTaze
You could poke out somebody's eye with a dart. Let's put in a blinding laser targeter instead.
You could put somebody's eye out with a blinding laser. Let's add some legal software into the iTaze that assists you with law suits for eye damage.
There should be a button to release the emergency mittens as well.
The button should be pressure sensitive and send a taser dart on firm pushes, and release emergency mittens on ligter ones. Let's keep things simple for the end user.
To make it less error-prone, let's make it accept voice commands instead.
We should add an accelerometer to enable gestures recognition. Not everyone is lucky enough to be physically able to speak, you know.
The pepper in the pepperspray should be edible, so you can use it to spicen your food as well as well as add unexpected eroticism.
Know what pepper spray's good for? Used condoms. Keeps the ladies from stealing your seed and extracting child support payments from you. So let's add a condom pouch.
But what if they protect their faces to do it anyway? I say the apparatus should have a used condom insertion slot that will subject your seed to a temperature extreme enough to completely destroy its viability.
Just add a flamethrower attachment and you've solved that problem -- as well as many other potential problems.
>>20 made me think, we need a fancy name for that thing. Something futuristic. I propose we call it DQN APPARATUS 2000.
>>22
Self-contained, Quantifiably Useful, Extensible Entertainment and Killing System.
[b]DQN Apparatuses PRO series: SQUEEKS2K[/b]
there should be a Blu-Ray projector in the back that projects the screen onto the users shirt - to mesmerize the victim b4 tazing.
I think it should support both Blu-Ray and HD-DVD. We shouldn't take sides.
Discs are dead. Downloadable content is where it's at. Scrap the optical drive and put in an AppleTV or TiVo.
DRM content is dying. We're better off integrating with Miro for youtubes and torrents.
No youtube or torrent is going to save your marriage. You need to talk to your wife and tell her how you feel.
Our device should have a built-in Female Creature Disintegration Ray, so that we can save marriages the Gay Niggers from Outer Space way.
A vibrator would be cheaper. And we could sell rabbit attachment add-ons.
With all of this functionality, it would be plain silly to not have a clock on it.
What good is a clock without a fully functional cock?
If we're going to add a fully functional cock, it may as well have added analog signal reception.
Analog is a dead end, everyone's going digital now. Add a satellite dish.
Instead of a satellite dish, give it the capability to control a nuclear armed satellite.
Nuclear armed satellites are a thing of the past. It should be able to control pieces of cake.
ANY piece of cake you wish.
Cake is well and good, but it's the trendy thing nowadays to make your food healthy, so the cake should be made with a sugar substitute, and be completely fat free.
the cake is a lie. Add a portal gun.
The portal idea is great, but how are you supposed to get in to the portal? Walking is lame, and if we think of an alternative we can market it to the legless demographic. I suggest rocket boosters.
Jetpacks are expensive. Skateboards are closer to our budget.
If we can afford portal guns, we can afford a jetpack. Also, a jetpack could be implemented directly into the RC, a skateboard is better off being an entirely separate entity.
I propose we do some advance marketing targeted at the early-adopter demographic -- we can more than make up the R&D cost in pre-orders that way.
Once this hits the shelves, we can guarantee a market stronghold if we push this as a loss leader and make up the difference with add-ons. I suggest reducing the feature set initially and releasing periodic upgrades to garner additional revenue.
Eh... but why update when we can just say we'll update? All we have to do is make the occasional lie news post and we'll make bucketloads in ad revenue.
The upgrades should only be released as the ad revenue starts to fall off. We also need periodic info releases so we can sue anyone releasing 3rd party add-ons for corporate espionage on our in-progress tech, thus bolstering our income further.
It should be shaped like a cat, everyone loves cats.
Make the cat also a skateboard. That way, everyone wins.
Make the skateboard cat a flamethrower.
Make the flamethrower a penis.
Make the penis an evil penis that shoots seeds.
Make the seeds shoot flames.
Make the seeds instant-grow into Mario's fire flowers so that you can shoot your own flames.
Can it be sparkly pink? Please?
Make it shaped like a HUGE penis
>>56
We already decided it should be shaped like a cat.
Maybe it should be shaped like a cat with a huge penis?
Are we talking huge by cat standards here, or what?
>>60 It also reminds me we have to insert automatic recourse ender, as when you try to stop raping panther with a device with effects of a raping panther stopping a raping panther with effects of a raping panther stopping a raping panther with effects of a raping panther stopping a raping panther with effects of a raping panther stopping a raping panther with effects of a raping panther stopping a raping panther with effects of a raping panther stopping a raping panther with effects of a raping panther stopping a raping panther with effects of a raping panther stopping a raping panther with effects of a raping panther stopping a raping panther.
Or we could just scrap the idea and start from scratch.
Instead of starting from scratch, we should start from Scotch.
Single grain, aged twelve years.
But when mixed with water, the liquid becomes highly explosive. That way it's good for multiple situations.
We need to add a device that propels the explosive liquid up to 100 meters.
And there has to be a drinks holder. I hate when there is no drinks holder.
So, a tazing motion-sensitive universal RC with drinks holder and scotch, as well as music player with builtin wireless browser system for content acquisition. And a digital clock on the front. It should have switchable faceplates, to satisfy both giant penis and pink sparkle cat demographics. The cock one can come whiskey, and optionally set fire to it to produce short-range flamethrowing effects for personal defense, or for a less lethal option you can engage the pepperspray setting.
Gentlemen, I believe our product is coming together...
And of course the mittens button. No DQN APPARATUS 2000 is complete without such a control, in case of emergencies.
How much would you pay? It's clearly a $499.95 value.
There should be a dial on the side that lets you control what color the mittens are.
And it should be David Bowie in disguise.
>>71 But not in his Tin Machine phase. More like Jareth from Labyrinth. Also, the finish should be Silver Mist, so it matches the rest of my appliances.
With lifelike texture ;_;
and fully functional. You know.. down there.
Also, I think we should bundle a free copy of Title with the apparatus, you know, it's just a good cross-promotion opportunity.
A copy of one work? Why not Wi-Fi access to the entire Gutenberg project?
Just how large is the Gutenberg project? I bet it can fit in less than a few dozen GB. It would make sense to add just a small 10000 RPM S-ATA HD of ~1.5TB or so, to cache stuff like that.
Can the S-ATA HD include hair you can brush and nappies that really get wet? Please?
While it brushes the user's hair, at the same fucking time.
Or we could instead make a potato gun.
Too hard, let's just make potatoes.
They had better be mashed potatoes, with garlic and herb for flavor and a big hunk of melting butter on top.
Can you change it's nappies?
I think a good way to improve on 'nappies' would be to never mention it again.
alright then a swing. to go with the mashed potatoes instead of those green specks can you take those out and it tastes funny too
Instead of mashed potatoes it should be testicle butter.
I don't know if it's economically viable, I just want to see if it's possible to make butter from testicles.
with smegma
It's clearly a $1000.00 value. But what do we charge for it in our limited-time TV offer?
Three easy monthly payments of $399.99?
Thirty easy weekly payments of $39.99?
Three thousand easy hourly payments of 3.99 cents?
But wait, that's not all! Order now, and you'll also receive this amazing USB David Bowie Bobblehead!
A $500.00 value, yours free!
Also, we'll sign you up to receive piles and piles of coupons in your mail every day. That's nearly a $2000 value if you add them up, but it's also yours free.
Now how much would you pay? But wait, there's more!
A package full of packaging foam!
With free itching powder!
And a hot plate!
The next caller will recieve a FREE 100GET!
I deny my 100 get inheritance.
I shamelessly inherit your 100 get and add an original feature !
Here's an idea: English instructions.
Sweden can suck my balls.
It should be poorly translated from Mandarin or Cantonese, using English slang inappropriately.
And meaningless diagrams. The instructions will need lots of meaningless diagrams.
Not just any meaningless diagrams, diagrams that are completely irrelevant to the RC. We could even make it impossible to tell what the diagrams are actually of.
The software running on the microcontroller shall be written in LISP.
But the software running the Barbie Doll artificial stupidity module shall be written in Prolog
A cup-holder should come attached to the instructions.
Back to those diagrams, could we use diagrams that are actually optical illusions and maybe even some of that Magic Eye stuff? Maybe even license M. C. Escher prints?
And the captions should be anagrams
We should make it smaller so it can fit in the box with the instructions.
No, we need to make the box bigger.
A box big enough to play in would be perfect!
Eliminating the box entirely so as to maximize microwave psychological brainwashing ray emissions.
「Adding Mark II neural network nodes.」
「Engaging transmission.」
「All systems ready.」
Making the systems solar-powered!
Making the system powered by a tiny sun.
The tiny sun better be covered so the user isn't blinded
But just in case it has braille on the buttons.
Buttons are obsolete! Let's replace them with multi-touch screens.
Touch screens will soon go the way of tactile response. Let's think ahead of the curve, and ensure the user can only input data by controlled blinking and/or clenching of the anus.
Also, an adaptive mode for those who are incontinent or shove huge things up their asshole.
and COOL FREE MITTENS
I think we should hire a better marketing team
>>125 Fuck that, let's hire TWO. They can compete and the loser gets laid off.
>>126
Marketing Team Chainsaw Deathmatch! TWO MEN ENTER, ONE MAN LEAVES
I'd pay to see that, wouldn't you?
>>124
Good first prototype, but I think you're missing the multi-touch capacitive LCD screen, hot plate, and emergency mitten storage hatch. It's supposed to be shaped like a cat penis skateboard, too.
I'd like to see the microcontroller programmed by Monday, if that's possible.
>>128 A ROCK HARD CAT PENIS skateboard. Don't forget the finger-swiping module and dryer lint compression chamber that makes emergency mittens.
>>130 You forgot sharks, fire, bears, and rocket launchers that shoot chest hair.
instead of chest hair they shoot out giant squid monsters with giant tentacles.
It needs an alternate fire mode so that pubic hairs can be shot when chest hairs are no longer availible
Lots of alternate fire modes! Single, Burst, Auto, Stun, Torch, Chaff, Shuffle, Repeat modes!
Also needs nekomimi mode
Why stop at nekomimi, give it a bunny girl mode as well. Hell, make a mode for every type of animal girl, gotta think big.
There must be a background check for people to buy this product. Easy mode needs to be reserved for elementary school children only.
More butts.
Softer, smoother skin. And fur as an option. Let's go full animal mode together with >>137!
Scales, too. And feathers. Really cash in on the furry demographic.
So where's the button that shoots out the magical loli oni piss?
>>142 The button next to the one that shoots frozen ice fairy pee.
We should offer a whizzard package with expanded piss options.
Well, it's okay that we cash in on various fetishes. Porn, as we know, sells [citation: your mom's credit card statement]. But we should also try to make it more aesthetically pleasing by adding polished metal bands. We could target higher classes by offering a variety of metals used—all the way to californium.
Again he uses fascist when he means authoritarian or totalitarian, which is a big lefty tell.
Calling any non-far-left regime fascist is pure virtue signalling with no other semantic content. What he really means is that the only effective curative would be worse (in his eyes) than the problem. He just knows he will instantly lose his audience if he says it that plainly.
We can add a fascist/anarchist switch for people that like to talk politics on the internet.
